Guttural.
Languished in its affliction.
He took her hand that was on his cheek, and he held it between both of his. He brought her knuckles to his lips, his voice so strained that she struggled to understand what he said. “I love you, Dakota. So fucking much.”
He looked away, to the wall, away from her face. “But not like that.”
The last of his admission cracked, so jagged it cut into her soul. Her knees went weak as his rejection cut her in two.
She couldn’t stand beneath his pity. The way he hadn’t even been able to look her in the eye when he said it.
But not like that.
She choked and tried to suppress a sob.
To hold her heartbreak back. It busted out, anyway, a cry of misery that she couldn’t contain. She squeezed her eyes closed and tried to reel it in.
To stand as his friend.
Because what kind of monster was she if she made this about her?
But she couldn’t help but feel a part of it was.
It was about her.
About him.
About them.
Who they were supposed to be together.
“Please don’t cry, Dakota.” Every sharp angle of Ryder’s face pinched in misery as he whispered the words against her knuckles. “Don’t cry. I’m not worth it. You’re so much better than giving that love to me. You deserve the world. Everything in it. Everything it has to offer. I want you to chase it. Every good thing. Please.”
She wanted to curl her fingers into his shirt.
Tell him he was wrong.
That what she wanted was him.
Beg him to love her back.
But he didn’t.
He didn’t love her.
Not like that.
Dizziness spun as her chest cracked wide open.
Stricken.
Grieved.
Oh, God, Dakota thought she was going to puke. Because she’d just confessed it all and the man she loved was devastated by the loss of someone else.
Amelia.
How hadn’t she known?
Why didn’t she see it?
She was a fool. Such a fool.
“I…I’m sorry for your loss.” She forced it out, the words riding out on a shattered sob.
Before she could make it any worse, she turned and ran down his walkway.
She needed to get away before she completely broke apart.
By the time she got into her car, she couldn’t breathe, and her chest was squeezing so badly that the little air she could get wheezed up her raw throat.
She started it, her tires squealing as she sped from the curb.
Tears blurred her sight as she drove.
She had to get away.
She choked out an aggrieved sob when she realized she really had nowhere to go.
No one to rely on.
No one who would understand.
Paisley had moved a month ago, and Ryder had been the one person she could always go to. The one who would hold her secrets.
Her truths and her fears.
A cry ripped from her soul.
She drove out of Time River like it could leave the heartbreak behind.
Like she might be able to pretend she hadn’t been shattered.
That she hadn’t been such a fool to put herself on the line.
She ended up at a bar in Poplar.
It was loud and packed with people.
She didn’t know any of them, but she didn’t want to be alone.
She couldn’t bear going back to her empty room.
Couldn’t bear to think of the vacant branch that would sway beneath the moon.
Her mother had always warned them about the risks of drowning their miseries in alcohol, but it was the only solution she could find right then.
Just for one night.
For one night she had to numb this pain because it was too great.
And maybe it was stupid and desperate when the guy took the stool beside her. Pathetic that the way he looked at her felt nice.
And when he set his hand on her knee, she didn’t flinch.
She didn’t want to be herself.
Just for one night, she didn’t want to be the girl who would love Ryder Nash for the rest of her life.
For one night, she wanted to forget about him.
Because she knew tomorrow, it would be Ryder she remembered.
FORTY-SIX
DAKOTA
Tears streamed down my cheeks, and I sniffled, wiping them away as I stared out the rambling wall of windows that overlooked the back of Caleb and Paisley’s property from where I sat curled in the banquette table.
A sprawling lawn rolled out from the back of the house, running all the way to the river and woods in the distance. Beyond the copse of towering trees, the stunning mountains that hedged Time River touched the endless blue sky.
I couldn’t imagine a more breathtaking view.
But I was having a really hard time recognizing the beauty right then. Not when everything had soured.