Had she watched me like this?
Had her heart been full?
Did it ache like mine did right then?
God, I missed her so fucking much.
So much that sometimes it was overwhelming. A pain so profound I felt it like a black hole inside me.
An abyss.
Bottomless.
No end.
There were times when I thought I might succumb to it, but I guessed on some part I had.
Shame billowed through me as I thought about the way I’d given up and given in.
What I’d caused.
Kayden suddenly threw himself at me, giggling as he went to wrestling around, and I rolled onto my back and tossed him high.
I stared up at his sweet face as his adorable laughter rolled, dimples deep, his arms and legs flailing as I zoomed him all over, making him fly and soar.
I pulled him down and squeezed him tight, and he rested his cheek on my chest. “Love is on house,” he mumbled.
My spirit thrashed, pulsing so hard with that kind of love that I was feeling like I might succumb again, but in a wholly different way.
His mother’s goodness rushed out of him on waves. This sweet, sweet thing who filled me up in a way I never should have let him.
But I accepted it then, my arms around him as I murmured, “Love you with everything I’ve got, K-Bear.”
Wiggling all over, he snuggled deeper, and I felt his little yawn. “I get mewlk now.”
I didn’t let him go as I climbed to standing, and I carried him into the kitchen where I grabbed his sippy cup from the fridge, then carried him back out to his favorite chair in my living room where I sat him on my lap and grabbed one of his books.
He guzzled down the milk while I read him The Very Hungry Caterpillar, the kid counting along, though his words had gotten groggy and even more slurred with each minute that passed.
By the time I carried him upstairs and brushed his teeth, he was already close to sleep. I laid him down in his crib, tucked the glowing bear I’d gotten him for his birthday under his arm, and murmured, “Goodnight, sweet boy.”
“I sweet boy,” he agreed, nodding his cheek against the sheet.
Devotion pulsed, and I stood there staring at him for the longest time before I eased out, leaving his door open as I headed back downstairs.
I made myself a ham and cheese sandwich because I was fancy like that and grabbed a beer, sat down at the table, and ate by myself, watching the goddamn clock like it was a ticking timebomb. Like the later she was out, the closer we came to destruction.
To everything getting blown to shit.
She’d only been gone for two and a half hours when I heard the purr of the car pull up in front of my house, but it felt like a lifetime had passed.
Like the years had blurred, and I’d been looking back at them and knew they’d been a complete fucking waste.
That I’d squandered everything.
Anxiety curdled my blood as minutes dragged on and she didn’t come inside, and I had to restrain myself from storming outside and stopping whatever might have been going down.
It wasn’t my fucking business.
I needed to let Dakota do her thing.
Enjoy her life.
But this was the first time in all these years that she’d been out with another guy, that I knew of at least, except for whoever the asshole was who’d fathered Kayden, his identity something that she kept tight-lipped.
Just thinking about that prick sent me jolting to my feet, hands curling into fists as I paced, taking the kitchen floor like I could outrun the disorder that had taken me over.
My heart jackhammered.
Thoughts a goddamn stampede.
What the fuck would I do if she brought him in here? Took him up to her room?
I ripped at my hair knowing there wasn’t a chance in hell I could handle that.
And I was sure I was going to go out of my mind when the front door quietly snapped open, and I stilled in the wake of it.
Her presence hit me like a balm, but it wasn’t close to calming.
The door shut and I heard her turning the lock, felt her hesitation as she stood just inside my house, her sweet spirit clattering out for me.
I gathered myself enough to ease up to the kitchen entryway, refusing the urge to go flying out into the room to demand every answer that had been bouncing around in my head since she’d left.
Only she stole the breath from my lungs when I caught sight of her.
Left me staggered.
No way to even speak.
The woman in this pink, frilly dress that made her look like some kind of ballerina, pink pumps to match.
Had nearly died when she’d come downstairs earlier dressed that way.
“Hey.” I managed to keep it cool like I hadn’t been crawling the fucking walls waiting for her to get back.