His voice comes out in muffled interludes, but his concern is as clear as day. “H, what’s going on?”
“I…don’t…know,” I gasp.
“Fuck, okay.” Bristol slings one arm over my shoulder and helps me to my feet, shouldering his way past the exit of the rink, leading me down a secluded hallway.
Dizziness expands like an atomic blast in my head.
He steadies me with his hands, inhaling and exhaling deeply, trying to get me to follow his instruction. “Take a breath.”
I silence the thoughts whizzing through my mind long enough for my breath to fall back into a regular cadence. Then I paste my back against the wall and slide down, bringing my knees into my chest. I let the sound of my own heart tranquilize me, and I count each beat until I can focus my gaze on the ground in front of me.
The body-gripping panic has successfully washed the sting out from my eyes. “What just happened?”
“I think you had a panic attack,” Bristol answers.
I’ve never had a panic attack before. Not even after my mother died.
“How did you know what to do?”
He rubs the back of his neck. “I, uh, I used to get them when I was younger. Usually before hockey games or tests—high-stress situations.”
How did I not know? Bristol and I have been friends since third grade. I’m such a shitty friend. I didn’t take his advice when he gave it to me, and now, everything’s blown up in my face. If I’d only just listened to him.
“Look, I know things seem hopeless right now, but you two can come back from this. It can be fixed. It can always be fixed,” Bristol insists, though his efforts fail to abate the pain rioting inside me.
When Aeris walked away from me, she unknowingly put a crack in me. A crack that’ll continue to grow with time. A crack that, left untreated, will make me break because I’ll be unable to withstand the weight of the world bearing down on my shoulders.
“Maybe it’s not supposed to be fixed,” I admit, visceral guilt jamming the lining of my throat.
“What do you mean?” he asks.
Grief flourishes through my body. “Think about it, Bri. We didn’t get together under the right terms. She was never mine to lose to begin with.”
I feel like I’m watching my whole world crumble before my very eyes. I’m on the other side of the looking glass, unable to speak or move, standing by as the best thing that’s ever happened to me slowly evaporates out of my life.
“You have the chance to do the right thing, H.”
I struggle to find my voice. “What are you talking about?”
Aeris doesn’t want to see me, and I want to respect her wishes. She made it clear that we were done. But I didn’t even try to fight for her…for us. I just let her walk away.
“If you really regret everything—which I know you do—you need to show her. You can’t just tell her. You need to show her how much she means to you, and you need to make her believe it. You need to win her back.”
39
THE WAKEUP CALL OF THE CENTURY
AERIS
It’s been two days. And they’ve been the worst forty-eight hours of my life.
No contact with the outside world, no contact with the guys, no contact with Hayes. I lied to my boss about getting the flu so I wouldn’t have to focus on work—and she thankfully believed me. I don’t remember the last time I saw the sun or breathed fresh air. I also don’t remember the last time I didn’t smell like two skunks fornicated in a sewer drain.
I’ve been sleeping fourteen hours because it’s easier for me to be unconscious than to have to think about everything Hayes put me through. But this is the day that sleeping cycle apparently ends.
Lila yanks back the curtains on my window, showering me in harsh sunlight.
I groan, pulling the covers up over my head, wishing she would just leave me to rot in my bed.
“Aer-Bear, you need to get up. And eat. And shower,” she says, gently pulling back my comforter. The pity in her voice extends to burdened eyes, and she sits down next to me, brushing my hair out of my face.
“Leave me alone, Lila.”
A frown catches the corner of her lips. “As your designated best friend, I can’t leave you alone. Not when you’re this miserable.”
A slew of tears begins to mutilate my vision, and I’m too late to stop the water from dancing down my cheeks. “I can’t do this. It hurts so much. Everything hurts. I—I feel like I can’t breathe. I can’t think about anything other than him. And the worst part of it all is that I still love him. I love him so much.”
“Oh, love,” Lila murmurs, making me look up at her. “That kind of love doesn’t just disappear overnight. It’s okay that you still feel that way about him. Your love is your strength.”
I want to pull away from her, but I don’t. “But it’s not. It’s what got me into this mess in the first place.”
“Do you know how lucky Hayes is to have someone like you who loves him?”
“I—” My heart splinters as my retort dies in my mouth.
Arguing with Lila is an inevitable loss, and I don’t have the strength to argue right now. The damage has already been done.
I don’t know how Hayes is doing. Does a twisted part of me hope that he’s just as miserable? Yes. But does the part of me that still loves him hope he’s moving on with his life? Yes.
“Come on,” Lila coos, taking my hand in hers and helping me to my feet.
I have a wicked cramp from lying down all day, and I move so slowly that it feels like my legs are stuck in molasses. My mind’s reached the summit of the anxiety rollercoaster, and now the fifty-foot drop is making my head ache and my eyes strain.
I let Lila drag me into the kitchen as she heats up some leftover Chinese takeout. The mouthwatering smell awakens the beast in my stomach, reminding me just how long it’s been since I’ve eaten.
She’s watching me with those eagle eyes of hers, her arms pinned over her chest.
“Do you think I’m being too harsh on him?” I ask, swallowing a cumbersome noodle lump.
“Frankly, I don’t think you were harsh enough. I mean, if you weren’t still madly in love with him, I’d pop all the segments of his spine out like pieces of Pez.”
“That’s…disturbingly specific.”
Lila laughs, and it’s the first great sound I’ve heard in a while. “You know how protective I am over you,” she replies, bending over to give me a much-needed hug. She smells like fresh jasmine, and her hands are soft as they rove my back. But as much as I love Lila’s hugs, I can’t stop thinking about being in Hayes’ arms instead.
Come on, Aeris. Have some respect for yourself. He lied to you. He played you.
But he also loved you when you couldn’t love yourself.
I push my food away. “Do you think I should forgive him?”
His phantom presence continues to be a thorn in my side, one that I don’t want to remove despite the pain.
“I think you need to worry about your own heart for once. I think you’ll know when you’ve had some time to heal. You’ve always ever worried about others. Now it’s time to put yourself first.”