“Wait…it has? Uh…um…okay. Okay, you can put me down. Grayson, put me down, please,” Ada said as calmly as she could. Once her bare feet were in the cool grass, she felt hot panic rising again.
2019
25
Kasey
On Wednesday after visiting Caroline again, Rosemarie, Ada, and Kasey went out to the hospital parking lot to talk in Ada’s minivan.
“You heard her when she woke up yesterday, Ada. He beat her; he raped her. He said he’d kill her, and he will. He will kill her, and we will cry at the fucking funeral and act like we’re so sorry it happened. We’ll wish we could’ve done something about it, but we can! We can do something about it, and we will do something about it. Men kill women all the time, and no one does anything about it. Last month in New York, a woman was murdered on her way home from work, and the week after, some motherfucker killed his entire family before killing himself. His wife was pregnant. It happens all the time! We need to take care of this ourselves. We can kill an Earl and make the world a better place, period. That’s what we’re supposed to do. That’s what—” Kasey stopped because she had to. She was hot, breathing hard. Ada had the engine on; the AC vents above her were blasting ice-cold air on Kasey in the backseat, but there wasn’t enough AC in the world to cool her down.
She saw her mom’s before face clearly in her mind. The after too.
Both visages so vivid Kasey’s mouth crumpled. She sobbed and hid her face.
“Kasey,” Ada cooed, putting her arms around her.
“Fritz, we love you so much, girl. Shit, I wish we could relax for, like, a minute and be together. Why do we have to be forever under the weight of…everything?” Rosemarie said. Kasey felt Rosemarie’s arms around her too. Both Rosemarie and Ada had gotten into the backseat with her, and she laughed a little at the smooshiness of it.
Finally.
Finally, she confessed the heavy-hollow dark of what she’d avoided telling them for the past fifteen years.
2004
26
Kasey didn’t know what time it was, and she didn’t care. She was underneath Silas, kissing him like the world was ending. The frogs were singing so loud it felt like the sound would pull her and Silas under; the crickety heartbeat of the grass droned thick enough to spirit her away. They’d taken the flannel blanket out of his truck and laid it down on a patch of darkness far from potential prying eyes—a clandestine spot green-deep between the trees near the Castelow lake house that Silas knew well and had shown her that first night they kissed.
When she told him she was ready forreal this time, he wasn’t slow about getting the condoms from the box in the glove compartment that she’d put in there a week ago, just in case.
She’d probably failed at planning a murder, but she succeeded in holding her breath so it wouldn’t hurt so much when Silas moved inside of her at first. It got better very quickly. So good, in fact, that it didn’t take long for Silas to finish, breathing hard in her ear. Fuck, Kasey, I love you. He pulled her on top of him and she moved her hips until it was her turn. I love you.
The heat was comforting, a Goldie constant in the spring and summer. Kasey would think of it often, no matter where she ended up in the world. It would feel good to know that no matter what, the Goldie wind would blow like honeyed breath. No matter what, the lake mist would always smell blue, and white clover would always play hide-and-seek in the green. Kasey lay in the afterglow on Silas’s chest, wishing she could stay there forever. Her mind was whirring again. She considered a Try to Kill Roy Part II plan that she and the girls could throw together. Could they make it happen tomorrow? No. It would be bad luck to try the same thing twice.
But.
The food was still in the fridge and Roy could eat it at any time. Or maybe he was dead and her mom didn’t want her to know yet. Maybe that was why she was being so weird. Maybe Kasey would look at her phone and see that her mom had texted Roy is dead. Come home. The darkness inside of her lit up thinking about it, listening to Silas’s heartbeat as he played with her hair.
“I love you and I love this, and I know you’re leaving soon, but I don’t want to break up. Ever. Have I made that clear enough? Want to make sure there’s no wondering on your part. You’re stuck with me because I’m planning on loving you forever, without exception,” Silas said against her ear.
Kasey locked the smell in her memory—eurythmic. A new sex-and-resin musk their bodies made together on that flannel under the trees. She moved her head to look at him. The moonlight rang slow through the leaves, giving him the dreamy look of being underwater.
“I don’t want to break up either. Let’s stay like this. I’m gonna love you forever too, so no takebacks. I promise. You’re stuck with me now,” she said, kissing him.
“I’ll be miserable. I’ll miss you so much. You promise you’ll come home enough? I’ll come up there too. We can make a schedule, and I know we won’t always be able to stick to it, but people make stuff like this work all the time,” Silas said.
He’d been accepted to Berry Bryn College an hour east in Berry County and would be living in a dorm, majoring in business. That hour got him one hour closer to where Kasey would be, and neither of them would let the other forget it.
“I’m not worried about us,” Kasey said, kissing him. Kissing him and kissing him and sliding down.
She told the girls she’d be back at Ada’s in an hour, but all Kasey cared about now was putting Silas Castelow in her mouth and spreading her legs and getting him inside of her again, thick and wet. Swallowed up and lost to forest-fecund lust, her body glory-blooming like a flower amidst those trunks and branches going up forever. It was slower this time, and she gave herself over to him completely. Let her thoughts empty out, refilling her brain with only the good, desperate sounds Silas was making in the dark and her own, rising to meet his.
After, they both fell into light, easy sleeps.
*
When they woke up, Kasey checked her phone, praying that her mom had left a message with some good news about something bad happening to Roy.
Five missed calls from her mom.
One voicemail.
Grayson had called Silas, and Silas was down by the water, folding the blanket and talking to his brother. Kasey was up by the truck now, trying to stop her finger from shaking so she could tap the voicemail button.
Kasey Jo…it’s your mama. I’m home now. I love you…so much. Your daddy used to sing the chorus of “Moonshadow” by Cat Stevens to you when you were a baby. Remember I told you that? He’d press his nose against your little nose…moonshadow…it doesn’t sound as good when I sing it. Remember how I used to try to sing it to you when you were little? Remember we’d sing it whenever we got MoonPies, and it made us happy and sad at the same time? I’m so glad you’re getting away from here. Run, baby girl. You can do anything, be anything; you’re going to do amazing things, and don’t let anyone ever, ever make you feel any differently. You’ll never be totally alone, because mamas should always look after their babies, even when they’re gone. Your daddy loved you so much, and the way we love you is a special love that nothing and no one can ever take away—do you hear me, Moonshadow? I mean it. It’s different than anything else in this whole wide world, and don’t you ever forget it. I’m so sorry I—