I felt strangely vulnerable, as if she held all the power. I wasn’t sure what to do with these new feelings. Sex had always made me feel like the one in control. And now…
“How do you feel?” she whispered.
“Like your husband,” I said instantly, a smile pulling at my lips. “How do you feel?”
She tilted her head up to look at me, the expression on her face happy and satisfied. “Like your wife,” she whispered.
I smiled again and pulled her closer.
Kira circled one fingertip around my nipple and I shivered, drawing her closer. She tipped her head back and looked up at me. “Is it always like that?” she asked, a teasing note in her voice.
“No,” I answered immediately. I gazed down at her, letting her see the sincerity in my eyes. “I’ve never experienced anything as wonderful as that. I’ve never experienced anything as wonderful as you.”
Happiness flashed in her expression, and she smiled gently. “Will it always be like that with us?”
I studied her vulnerable expression. Yes, I thought, it will always be like that for us, because Kira was part of it—her joy, her passion, her beautiful spirit. But I thought I knew what she was really asking. She had once been shamed for something that came naturally to her. An uncomfortable feeling of jealousy threatened, and I was unwilling to bring her ex into the room, so I moved my mind away from him and back to her. I smiled and kissed her forehead. “We’ll have to find out, won’t we?” I turned suddenly and hovered over her, kissing her once, hard, on her mouth as I brought her arms up and pinned her hands above her head. She laughed and then writhed beneath me, the moment turning light and flirtatious.
I kissed her again and then let her go. “We didn’t use a condom,” I said, my eyes moving over her features to gauge her reaction. I’d only realized afterward that, for the first time ever, I hadn’t even thought about it. Somehow, though, I wasn’t very concerned. I was worried she might be, although she hadn’t mentioned it either.
She hesitated, obviously just considering it now for the first time too. “One time is probably okay. I’ll get on birth control so we don’t have to think about it.”
“Okay,” I said, nodding and wondering at my lack of worry. We’d be safe from now on, but we were married. We had a home. I didn’t think I was ready for kids, had never even thought about it. But it wouldn’t be a tragedy either. I wanted my new wife to myself for a while, but if it did happen, we’d figure it out.
“Need some water?” I asked, rubbing my nose along hers and then kissing the corner of her mouth.
“Yes, please,” she said.
I stood and Kira sat up, moving back against the pillows at the headboard. I took a moment to drink her in: her mahogany hair splayed out all around her, her green eyes lazy and half-closed, the expression on her face one of pure satisfaction, her naked beauty fully on display—that beautiful body I’d just been inside. Before I forgot the water and returned to bed to enjoy her again, I turned and headed for the bathroom. When I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I was surprised to see the smile I hadn’t even realized I was wearing.
* * *
“Will you tell me about it?” she asked softly, leaning up and kissing my neck. We’d just made love for the second time and were lying against the pillows, Kira’s head resting on my chest.
I paused, confused for a second about what she might be talking about. “You mean going to prison?”
She nodded, her lips still on my skin, the scent of her hair drifting up to me and making me feel peaceful and content.
I sighed. I wanted her to know everything about me. I wanted to share things with her I had never shared with anyone, but forcing the words out was difficult and not something I had any practice with.
I smoothed my hand down her silken hair, grasping a handful of it. “I had just gotten back from New York, where I had gone to see my mother.”
“You went to see your mother?” she asked, surprised.
I nodded. “The trip virtually ended before it had even begun. I’ve tried to forget about it. I should never have gone. But back then, I…well, I had graduated college, and I thought if she saw me, saw the man I’d become, that she’d, I don’t know, fall to her knees and beg me for forgiveness?” I let out a soft chuckle holding little amusement. “I envisioned that very thing, as ridiculous as it sounds.” I sighed and she nestled closer. “I flew to New York and looked her up, went to her door with no invitation.” I was silent for a moment remembering the hope I’d carried so close to the surface as I’d stood in front of her apartment. “She was married, had a family—two young sons.”
“Please tell me she was glad you came to see her,” she said softly.
“No. She was so bitter—she told me she had been on the verge of a huge career when I put an end to that. She said it was better that she didn’t have to look at me every day and be reminded of all she could have had. Then she asked me to leave. The worst part, though, was the way she looked at her two other boys while I was there. And I realized that it wasn’t that she was incapable of love—it was just she was incapable of loving me.” I delivered the words as casually as I could, but I felt the slight flush on my own cheekbones. The memory of that moment still burned.
“Gray,” she said, a whole world of compassion in her eyes as she reached up and stroked my cheek. I leaned into it. Her touch was a cool balm and it gave me the courage to continue with the story about that awful night.
“Anyway,” I went on. “I flew into San Francisco and decided to go to a bar. I needed a drink, or ten.”
“You were hurting,” she said.
“I…yeah. God, I wish I had just gotten on the road and come home,” I said. My voice cracked on the final word. I still carried so much regret. It hurt. Part of me wanted to let it go, but another part thought I deserved to keep it. Because of my choices, a man had lost his life. Kira wrapped her arms around my body and hugged me to her.
“I had been at the bar for about an hour when I ran into Brent Riley, a rich kid I’d known through acquaintances and had gone to some parties with over the years. His family lives in a town about half an hour from here. He was in San Francisco for his bachelor party—there was a whole group of them there. I hung with them for a while. Brent and I had never gotten along though. He was this perfect, upstanding golden boy on the outside, but behind the scenes he was mean and self-serving. I don’t want that to sound unfair or like I’m justifying what happened, but that was just truthfully what I knew of him.”
“I’m somewhat acquainted with the type,” she said.
Right, Cooper. Yeah, her ex fiancé sounded a lot like Brent.
“We were walking outside to the parking lot and he laughs and starts telling me how he had roofied some girl, and that he and the other guys were going to take her back to their hotel and have some fun.” Kira grimaced. “He asked if I wanted in on the action and pointed over to a car where a girl was slumped in the back seat.” I paused. “I was looking for a fight, Kira. I welcomed a reason to fight with him. To fight with anyone, truth be told.”