I cut off the thought as a stab of pain pierces my skull. This needs to be sooner rather than later. “So, are we doing this?” I ask.
“Hell, why not,” Ian says, throwing up his hands. “It can’t be worse than any of the other decisions we’ve made lately. Go ahead. Call Mommy.”
I get up. I should feel happier about this. It will get me what I need.
I glance at Rain, and she gives me a smile.
If not what I want.
Chapter 85
Kali
I can’t sleep. I’ve been back on board the Starlight for three days, and I haven’t been able to sleep at all. Every time I close my eyes, all I can see is Arik collapsing right in front of me—alive one moment and dead the next. And Lara’s face as she falls off the parapet, her mouth wide open as she screams.
They died for me. Because of me. If I’d stayed put and just did what I was told, they would be alive. And millions of other people would be dead.
If this is what it means to be a princess, I’m ready to give the job back. Right now, I’d rather be anything but.
“Hey,” Ian says as he walks into the galley, where I’m making yet another cup of tea. The crew grabbed some on a supply trip on their way to save me, and I couldn’t be gladder for it. My churning stomach makes it impossible for me to keep anything else down right now, so I’ve been carrying a cup around with me wherever I go.
“Want one?” I ask, holding up my mug.
“Coffee?” he asks hopefully.
“Tea.”
“Pass, thanks.” He wrinkles his nose and pours himself a water instead. “You got a few minutes to talk?”
Considering we’re just sitting around waiting to get to the Wilds—and waiting for Beckett’s mother to call back—it seems like a ridiculous question. It’s not like there are so many other things to be doing right now. But all I say is, “Sure,” even though my stomach leaps at the thought.
We haven’t been alone together since I first got back on the Starlight and we talked about why I left. I thought I’d convinced him that I didn’t leave because of Milla and Max, but now I’m not so sure. Especially since he hasn’t tried to kiss me even once.
I finish steeping my tea and sit down at the table. I expect Ian to sit across from me, but instead he settles into the chair next to mine. “You okay?” he asks.
“Fine,” I tell him. As long as I don’t close my eyes. “Why?”
“Because you’ve been through a lot?”
I shrug. “We’ve all been through a lot. You’re fine, aren’t you?”
“Not even close.” He laughs.
I roll my eyes and take a sip of tea. “You know what I mean.”
He doesn’t answer right away, and I don’t have anything to say, so we sit in silence for a little while. Eventually, though, Ian asks, “So you’re solid? Even with everything that happened with your friend and your bodyguard?”
I jerk in surprise. Hearing it come out of his mouth makes it real in a way I’m not ready to hear. “How did you know about that? I thought you hadn’t arrived yet.”
Ian’s face is soft, and it’s more than I can bear. “We were close enough that the Starlight gave us a view of what was happening on the roof. I’m sorry. I would’ve done more if I could, but we were too far away and it happened too fast.”
I look away. There’s no point wishing he arrived sooner. It’s done. “Did Max put you up to this?” He’s been checking on me regularly, waiting for me to break down, I think. But even crying seems like too much effort right now.
“He didn’t. But I know he’s worried, too. We all are.”
I change the subject. “Why did you come back for me?” I ask, because I’ve been wondering ever since my first night back on the Starlight.
“Did you not want us to?” he asks, watching me closely. I don’t know if it’s because he has something to hide or if he’s still feeling insecure about the way I left.
“Of course I did. I’d be dead or imprisoned now, if you hadn’t.” I don’t flinch from saying the words. I’ve spent the last few days trying to come to grips with who my mother really is. “But that still doesn’t tell me what made you decide to come find me.”
“That’s actually one of the things I wanted to discuss with you. I thought maybe it’d be better coming from Rain, but she thinks I should be the one to talk to you.”
I don’t like the sound of that. What could he possibly have to tell me that is so bad they had to debate who was going to break the news to me? “Is my mother dead?” It’s the only thing I can think of.
“What? No!” He sounds so genuinely shocked that I believe him.
“So what do you want to talk about, then?” I ask, getting a little annoyed with the prevaricating. “Just spit it out.”
“It’s not a spit-it-out kind of thing.” He blows out a long breath. “You know how Rain is the High Priestess of the Sisterhood of the Light?”
I give him a what-the-fuck look. “Obviously, I do.”
“Well, something came out after you left.”
“Came out?” My stomach starts to jump, though I don’t know why. Maybe because he’s so hesitant to talk about this, and Ian is never hesitant. “What do you mean?”
“It turns out that you and Merrick are related. Your fathers were brothers.”
Shock holds me immobile for several seconds. “That’s not possible,” I tell him.
“Why not? I thought your father was from Serati.” He’s watching me closely now, and that just freaks me out more.
“He was. But he didn’t have any family; he never talked about them—”
“Because he cut himself off from them when he married your mother. I get the impression they didn’t approve.”
I want to argue with that, but after what I just went through at her hands, it’s not that hard to believe. “And Merrick told you this?”
“He told us a lot of things. Including the fact that your fathers made up not long before your dad died. And that your father told his father something that…might be difficult for you to hear.”
The nerves twisting in my stomach turn to something darker, uglier. Fear crawls up my throat, and there’s a part of me that wants to scream at him to stop. Not to tell me any more. That I can’t take it—not with everything else I’m trying to deal with right now.
But it’s only been a few days since I promised myself that I would never choose ignorance again, so I don’t say any of the things running through my head. Instead, I whisper, “Just tell me. Whatever it is, just get it over with fast.”
“Your father told Merrick’s father that when you were born, all the signs pointed to you being the high priestess. But your mother refused to give her daughter—the heir to the Empire—to the Sisterhood. So she burned off your birthmark and paid another couple—and the Sisterhood—to pretend that their child was the high priestess instead.”
His words are so unexpected that for a second I don’t even comprehend them. But when I do, I start to laugh. Because: “There’s no way I’m a high priestess. That’s absurd, Ian.”