“Okay,” I say, meeting Ian’s very annoyed eyes. “Let’s go to the Wilds. And while we’re out there, I’ll see just what this hunk of metal and I can do together.”
Beckett looks impressed. “You’re getting more diabolical in your old age, Kali. I think I like it.”
Now I know the universe has turned upside down. My mother is a stone-cold killer. A rebel says she likes something about me. And I’ve just turned my back on everything I’ve ever known to hop on a sentient ship headed straight for the Wilds.
There’s no turning back now.
Chapter 84
Beckett
I feel like shit, but I drag myself back to the bridge anyway. The only other option is going to bed, and the last thing I want to do is pretend everything’s okay when Rain comes to check on me.
With me. With her. With us.
I want to help her, but she’s still too hurt by everything Merrick said to be able to accept that help. Even if I knew how to offer it. Which I don’t.
She wants to help me just as much, but the truth is, I’m beyond help. I’m nothing but darkness, and I just can’t ruin her light any more.
Rain thinks time will cure everything, but that’s a pipe dream. Time isn’t curing me. It’s making me worse. Yes, the blankness and missing pieces have gotten a little better since I’ve been on the Starlight, but the pain has gotten so much worse. It feels like a drill digging into my brain all the time, a chisel chipping away at everything that is me until all that’s left is a mound of screaming, desperate rage.
I don’t want that for her, and I definitely don’t want that for us.
I reach under my chair and pull out the bottle of painkillers I nabbed from the sick bay. I dry swallow a handful, then look up to find Ian watching me.
When our eyes meet, he raises a brow. I shrug in return. Then I lean back against the pilot’s chair and wait for the pain to get better. It never goes away, but the painkillers make it so I can at least think. For a while, anyway.
I wonder for the millionth time what they did to my head on the Caelestis. Whatever it is, it’s broken something inside of me. I can feel myself changing, becoming…something. I don’t know what it is, and I don’t know that I want to know. But something tells me that the end is going to be a race between insanity and death, and I have to get away from here before either happens. Rain doesn’t deserve to see that. Better she thinks I’m just gone because I want to go.
I don’t want to go, but I can’t stay here.
I’ve never really felt like I belonged anywhere before. Even with the Rebellion, I was on the outside looking in. Trying to get my mother’s approval. Trying to be what she and the rebels needed me to be. Sometimes, late at night—like now—I acknowledge that our relationship isn’t all that different from Kali’s and her mom’s. Before the Starlight, I never would have seen it or believed it, but now…it’s hard to miss the parallels in our lives.
Both our fathers died in tragic circumstances.
We both have controlling mothers—though I don’t think it’s a stretch to say hers is worse than mine.
We both think our way is the right way.
And, most pathetic of all, we both had the lack of foresight to join a ship full of misfits. Even worse, we both fell in love with one of them.
Oh, Kali will deny it. But then, so will I, if anyone asks. It doesn’t make it any less true.
That’s the other reason I know it’s time to go. Because lately, I’ve been getting these ridiculous feelings of belonging.
I love this ship. The Starlight feels like the home I haven’t had since my father died. But it’s not just the ship. It’s the people—not only Rain, but all of them. I’ve never had friends before, so I could be totally off base. But I think they might actually care about me. I know that I care about them. Even Kali, with her purple dresses and privileged attitude. She’s a pain, but she’s our pain.
And a tiny, optimistic part of me thinks that might be all that matters.
And that’s why I have to leave. Because it’s that kind of thinking that gets people hurt. I don’t care about me so much, but I can’t stand the idea of something happening to one of them. Especially Rain.
But before I go, I have to find out about my brother. I have to know if he went the same route as Milla. If he did, is there some way to find him, too?
It’s a lot to ask of one sentient ship and seven people who are just beginning to learn how to trust one another. But I’ve been playing with an idea of how to manage it. It’s not a good one, but it won’t leave me alone.
I look around. Everyone is a little subdued right now, but I think that’s to be expected. Ian is sitting, brooding, in his captain’s chair. I would have thought he’d be happier now that we’ve got the princess back. But obviously not. It’s been maybe two hours since she went to bed, and he keeps looking at the door like some lovesick prupple.
I check the screens. There’s no one following, just that giant creepy orb keeping pace behind us.
Should I broach my idea? Or should I just forget about it? I mean, there’s a good chance they won’t agree to it anyway, since there are several risks involved. But at the same time, it might be the best chance that we’ve got, and shouldn’t we take it? Don’t Milla and Jarved deserve it?
Before I can decide, the comms unit buzzes with an incoming call. Ian jumps to his feet and heads over. “Who is it?” he asks.
Gage taps a few keys. “That merc you asked me to contact in the Wilds. Looks like he got the information.”
“Great. Can you put it up on the other screens?” Ian asks.
A stream of data flashes across the screen. I start reading. It’s a map of the building where Milla is hopefully being kept, considering it’s the largest structure on Delta V47, where the Reformer was headed. The exact location of the asteroid itself. And numbers of guards and their shifts and changeover times. It’s a lot of great information, but it’s also really bad news.
At least there’s no long-range surveillance system, but there are between fifty and a hundred guards on duty at any time, plus we have to presume the off-duty guards will join in if there’s an attack. We’ll never be able to take that many. Not with just the seven of us, only four of whom are fighters.
Judging by the expression on Ian’s face, he’s thinking the same thing. “Fuck,” he mutters. “How the hell are we going to do this?”
“We’re not,” I answer. “Not alone.”
Kali chooses that moment to appear. She doesn’t look much better than when she went to sleep.
“What’s going on?” she asks.
Ian takes a step toward her and then stops himself. Probably put off by her closed expression and general air of leave-me-alone-ness. “We just got the intel from the Wilds. It’s not good.”
“Too many guards,” Max puts in. “We’re going to need help.”
“And where are we supposed to get that kind of help? It’s not like there are so many people we can trust. And it’s not like that many people are jumping at the idea of flying straight into the Wilds. Not with the shit that goes on down there.” Ian is pacing the bridge now, freaking out. The man can’t stay still when he’s tense. I’m pretty sure he wore a new groove in the days before we liberated Kali from the palace.