“Don’t lie,” I interrupt.
“Look, we have important things to figure out right now, and none of this is making it any easier,” Ian says through gritted teeth. “Beckett, get back to your chair and get us to Glacea.”
I touch a finger to my forehead in a mock salute. “Your wish is my command, Captain.”
“If only,” he growls.
The bridge is quiet for several minutes, which might be a record. Eventually, though, Rain sits on the floor next to my chair.
“You okay?” she whispers.
“I’m fine,” I answer in a normal tone, because I’m not ashamed of anything I said or did.
She smiles gently. “I’m glad.” Her hand rests on my knee for just a few seconds.
I wish she had left it longer, but I get why she didn’t. Merrick still doesn’t look happy, and there’ve been enough fights on this bridge today.
Several more minutes pass before Ian starts, “Maybe the rebels—”
I shake my head, because I already know where he’s going. “I don’t think so. We just don’t have the resources to attack the Caelestis like that.”
“Maybe one of the other Ruling Families, then?” Merrick suggests, looking to Kali for confirmation. “We’ve all heard rumors of unrest.”
“And it’s a known fact that none of them have any real loyalty to the Empress,” Max adds.
“That’s because she’s a crap leader who’s in bed with the Corporation. And no one wants to go against them and be cut off.”
“Enough, Beckett.” Ian runs a hand over his tired eyes, then looks at Kali. “Do you agree? Could this be some sort of power play?”
She considers for a second, then shrugs slightly. “Maybe. There’s always some unrest among the families, someone who wants more power. But it doesn’t make sense—they would never willingly destroy the Caelestis. She was our one hope of saving the system. Without her, we’re all likely to burn.”
“But again, maybe whoever blew up the Caelestis is different from whoever is trying to kill us now,” Merrick points out. “Maybe whoever that is is taking advantage of the fact that Kali is vulnerable away from home.”
“So, maybe we really do need to take you home?” Gage asks Kali. “It’s what you want, right, and it’ll also get rid of the threat.”
“Or we could just shove her out of the airlock,” I suggest helpfully. “Take a picture of her floating in space as evidence. We’d lose the dead weight, and hey, maybe they’d even send us the reward. Win-win.”
Ian looks like he’s about to explode all over me, but it’s Kali herself who looks like she’s been punched. For the first time, I actually do feel a little guilty at the look on her face.
“Is that how you all still see me?” she asks quietly. “Dead weight?”
“Kali—” Ian starts, but before he can figure out what to say next, she’s gone.
Chapter 34
Kali
I don’t know what to do or what to think.
I’ve spent years hating the rebels because of what they did to my father. And even now, after everything Beckett said, I still hate them. Or at least, I want to hate them. How can I not? My father was a good man. He didn’t deserve to die.
But how can I hate Beckett when her father is dead, too? And her brother, if she was telling me the truth. And I think she was—her pain seemed too real.
She said their deaths are my mother’s fault. The Empire’s fault. If that’s true, I can understand why she became a rebel. The amount of hate I had for the people who killed my father has made me think terrible things through the years. If I’d had the chance, I might have done terrible things to get revenge if I could.
But is she right? Is my mother somehow responsible for what happened to her father? Even worse, is she responsible for what’s happened to everyone on the Starlight? I keep seeing Ian’s face when Beckett said that everyone on board had suffered because of my mother.
His eyes went blank, and his whole face closed down. Not in his typical “I’m in charge and not in the mood to explain myself to you” way, but in a way that all but screamed that she was right. That something really terrible happened to him to make him the way he is.
I’ve always known my mother was ruthless, always knew she would do anything in the name of the Empire. And she’s only gotten harder since my father left her—then was murdered before he could come back.
At the same time, we’re facing an existential threat right now. I don’t agree that there’s ever a reason to hurt people, even in the name of progress. But maybe she doesn’t see it that way. Maybe she and Dr. Veragelen believe they have to take harsh steps to make sure everyone in Senestris doesn’t die.
But at what point does sacrificing your humanity become acceptable? At what point does the sacrifice exceed the goal?
Not to mention…the words “dead weight” are still ringing in my ears. I knew I was useless when I first boarded the Starlight, but I’ve been working so hard, learning so much. I thought the others were starting to see it, but clearly not.
My mind is spinning as I’m trying to think through all these questions, all this pain, when there is a knock on my door.
“Come in,” I call, and my heart is suddenly in my throat. Because if it’s Ian, I don’t know what I’m going to say to him. I don’t even know if I’ll be able to face him after what Beckett said. Shame burns in my belly.
But when the door slides open, it’s not Ian standing there. It’s Max, two glasses of gerjgin in his hands. “I thought you could use a drink,” he tells me, extending one of the glasses out to me.
I hadn’t planned on drinking any gerjgin for a while—I’m still feeling the aftereffects from last night—but I’m shaking from the confrontation with Beckett, not to mention everything I’ve been thinking about my mother.
“How’d you know?” I ask as I take the drink.
He gives a rueful laugh. “Because I need one, too.”
“Fair enough.” I lift the glass in a silent toast and then take a sip, relishing the way the sharp burn of it cuts through the chill deep inside me.
He settles down on the bed next to me. “You okay?”
I don’t even know how to answer that. So I take another sip. “Is it true?”
“Is what true?” His gaze turns wary.
Even the Council would be proud of the imperial blankness of my face as I raise an eyebrow at him. “Don’t be like that.”
“Everyone’s got a story, Kali.”
“I know.” I take another sip of gerjgin. Fake courage and all that. “What’s your and Ian’s story?”
“I—umm—”
“Never mind. That’s all the answer I need.”
He shrugs, and it’s his turn to take another sip. “It’s complicated.”
“As complicated as turning into collateral damage in someone’s assassination plot?”
“Don’t count me out yet—I’m not that easy to kill. And don’t jump too fast into putting all the blame on yourself. Each of us has enemies out there, and Ian is particularly good at pissing people off.” He grins. “I’ve thought about offing him myself once or twice.”