I walked into the village. There was noise and people and Christmas lights twinkling everywhere. I put in my earplugs and went to buy flowers in the Texaco. I got out of there as soon as I could and walked down to Angela’s house. I pushed the card through the door and put the flowers on the doormat and left in a hurry. I understood what shame meant. It was one of the emotions I was in touch with.
20
Peter, 1974
‘Stupid woman’ were the words Dad often said when we were watching television. The mums on television were nice-looking, clean and well dressed mostly, baking apple pies for their children and tending to the cuts on their knees. This ghost was useless. She was a terrible mother, so bad that she had to be chained up like a wild dog.
We didn’t speak for a long time, but there were things I wanted to know. She popped her head out bit by bit but didn’t look at me. She wiped the blood from her eye with the blanket. It didn’t bleed much after that.
‘How will the baby get out of your tummy?’
‘The last time, you came out through here.’ She pointed to the area between her legs. ‘It was quick and painful. There was a kind of rope around your neck, but he pulled it away.’
‘Dad?’
‘Yes. He was pleased about you. He was good to me for a while after that. But I didn’t know then he was going to steal you from me. I was twelve years old then, I think, but I don’t know how old I am now. I’ve lost track.’
‘You don’t know how old you are? You’re stupid.’
‘I suppose you’re in school now. I’d say you’re clever.’
‘I’m not in school. Dad teaches me here.’
‘Oh, I bet your friends miss you.’
‘I don’t have any friends. Dad is my best friend.’
‘Don’t you miss having other children your own age to play with?’
I remembered the day at the zoo. Lots of groups of children chattering excitedly to each other.
‘You are not to ask questions. Stupid woman.’
I took out my bottle of milk and poured it into a glass on the tray Dad had prepared. The way she stared at the bottle was so strange.
‘Haven’t you seen milk before?’
‘Not since you were a baby. He gave me milk then so that I could breastfeed you, but when he took you, I didn’t get milk again.’
I refilled the glass with milk and handed it carefully to her. Her hands were shaking so much that I was afraid she’d spill it, but she clamped her mouth down on to the glass and drank it down in one go, like a greedy pig.
She started to cry. ‘Thank you. Thank you so much. I know you’re a good boy. Half of you is me. The good half.’
I snatched the glass back from her. ‘You have no manners,’ I said. ‘It’s rude to drink like that.’
She looked down at the floor. ‘I’m sorry, it’s been … so long.’
I walked over to the fridge and put the bacon in there along with the rest of the milk and some butter and cheese. I left the potato, bread, banana, cornflakes and tin of peas on the top with the chocolate and crisps which were my Saturday-night treat.
There were four bottles of clear liquid in the fridge already.
‘What’s that?’
‘My water.’
‘Where’s your food?’ I asked her.
She ruffled under her blanket and brought out half a packet of custard cream biscuits.
‘That’s all he gives me. May I … may I have your apple core?’
‘I put it in the bin.’
‘I don’t mind.’
She went to the bin and took out the apple core.
‘That’s disgusting, eating out of a bin.’
‘I’m hungry. That food you have. Is there enough for us to share?’
‘He said that food was for me.’
‘But if there was too much for you, can I have the leftovers? Please?’ Her eyes were filling with tears again and I didn’t know what I should feel.
‘No,’ I said, ‘it’s against the rules.’
I tried to ignore her by reading my books, but she wanted to see them. I wouldn’t let her, so she asked me to read out loud to her. I read five pages of Gulliver’s Travels and she said I was an excellent reader and that she was proud of me and that it was a brilliant story. I was wary. I started to cry. ‘I want my dad.’
‘Oh, my lovely boy. He is a bad man. Do you think it’s right that he keeps me locked up out here with barely any food, in the dark, with no books?’
‘There’s no television here either.’
‘Our neighbours had a television. Do you have one here? In this house?’
I nodded. It wasn’t answering questions if I didn’t say anything.
‘Wow. Is the house big?’
I wondered about that. I suppose it was. There were lots of rooms. That day we went to the zoo, we passed lots of houses but most of them were all crammed together. On television, I saw big houses and small ones. I decided our house was big, but I wasn’t going to tell her that.
I went to the pile of clothes that Dad had laid out on the single chair beside my bed and found my pyjamas.
‘Do you need any help getting undressed?’ she asked.
I ignored her and took off my clothes. I looked at my watch. The small hand was between seven and eight. I was late for bed.
‘Oh, you have a watch! What time is it?’
‘Bedtime.’ It was twenty-five past seven. I had just learned to tell the time and I wanted to show off, but there was no point in showing off to somebody as stupid as her. Dad was a bit fed up of me showing off. He said I didn’t have to tell him the time every five minutes.
‘Okay.’
‘I need to brush my teeth.’ I passed her to get to the toilet and, this time, I closed the door.
I did another wee and brushed my teeth. There was no mirror here and one thin towel. When I opened the door, she was kneeling in front of it. She had her arms stretched out wide. I tried to jump past her, but she quickly wrapped her arms around me, pushing her face down on to my head and kissing it. I struggled violently.
‘Let me go, let go of me!’
‘I love you so much, I can’t help it. I thought I heard you through the door sometimes, but he’s put up all this insulation on the walls and I didn’t know if it was my imagination. He never told me anything about you. He said if I tried to talk to you through the wall, he would punish you. I’m so glad you’re here.’ Her arms tightened and I screamed into her armpit.
She released me then and I ran to my corner.
‘I’m sorry, Peter, I’m so sorry. I just wanted to hold you for a moment.’
‘I’m telling Dad. He’s going to punish you so badly.’
‘I need –’
‘I don’t care. Shut up. Don’t say anything else. You’re bad and you’re mean.’
I got into the camp bed and turned the lamp off.
I was afraid to go to sleep, but I must have been tired, because I woke to see faint shafts of light coming through the boarded windows. I didn’t know where I was for a moment, but then the horror of it all came back to me. I switched on the bedside lamp and saw that she was as close to me as she could get, staring at me again.