There was one occasion when I joined her in the evening and she was particularly subdued. I laid the bag of groceries within her reach, and then backed into the corner and began to chat about the day. There was blood on the front of her T-shirt. As she silently put her things away, I noticed that one of her front teeth was missing.
Lindy had to spell it out for me, and the words rang bells that echoed right back to my early childhood. It was March 1985. I didn’t comment on her tooth, or the blood. I tried to pretend I hadn’t noticed. She waited until I was sitting in the only chair and sat down on the floor, right in front of me, and looked up into my face. ‘Steve, he said he’d kill me if I told you, but your dad isn’t keeping me here so that I can be your friend. You’re seventeen years old and you can’t be that bloody innocent. Your dad is a rapist shit. He’s been raping me twice a week since I arrived here. And if I resist, he punishes me.’ She pulled up her sleeves so that I could see bruises on her wrists.
I told her to shut up.
‘You think my tooth fell out?’ she said, and I remembered my mother’s gums. Lindy was only voicing what I had long suspected. I had worked it all out and she could tell.
‘You know, Steve, you’ve known all along. If it wasn’t for your disease, you’d be raping me too.’
I was horrified by this. ‘I swear, I’d never hurt you, I didn’t know anything.’
‘I don’t believe you. You definitely know now. What are you going to do about it?’
I couldn’t look at her, couldn’t think of what to say. I locked the door behind me as usual, and ignored her tears and frustration.
My mother was another Lindy. I remembered all the things she had said to me. She was eleven when he had kidnapped her. I remembered my little sister, Mary. What had happened to them? I had kicked my mother when she was pregnant. My own mother. Lindy was telling the truth.
I had watched enough TV shows, real-life shows and not just dramas, to see that women could be smart and funny, sweet and kind. I had met them in town occasionally, Kai’s wife and sister. They were Polynesian. Dad had made derogatory comments about them.
I had never confronted my dad before. I had never needed to. I had lived in denial. He had always been gentle and kind and protective of me. But there were times when we had arguments. For example, I had begged him to get a telephone installed, but he’d refused, claiming it was a waste of money. I’d told him he was stubborn.
Lindy’s situation was something I could not ignore any longer. I had a sleepless night, my mind in turmoil. I didn’t join Dad for breakfast the next morning. I stayed out in the vegetable garden. That evening, it was my turn to cook dinner. When I heard his car come down the road, the knot in my stomach tightened. I had burned our pork chops and overboiled the potatoes. I put the plate down in front of him and sat at the other end of the table. I watched him pour water from the jug into his glass. I was too nervous and stomach-sick to eat.
‘Are you feeling all right? You look a little off-colour,’ he said, concern in his voice.
‘I was thinking about my mother and how you raped her.’ I choked on the words.
His knife clattered on to the table.
‘I’m seventeen years old, Dad. How old was she when you got her pregnant? Was she older or younger than Lindy?’
He slammed his fist down on to the table so hard that everything jumped. His glass of water fell over. ‘I will not have this –’
‘You kidnapped her. You took her from her family and imprisoned her in that room next door to mine. You starved her and beat her and punished her, and you raped her. You’re beating and raping Lindy, knocking her teeth out. Do you do it with extraction forceps or pliers?’
The water glass rolled sideways on the table.
‘That lying little bitch! You can’t believe a word –’
‘She didn’t tell me anything. I worked it out. I think I always knew, but I didn’t want it to be true. I can’t believe a word you say, Dad. You ran away from Ireland and you dragged me with you and now I’m complicit in kidnapping Lindy.’ The water from the glass was dripping on to the floor.
He snarled at me, ‘And what do you want me to do about it? Let her go? What do you think would happen to you? Who will protect you like I have? Like you say, you’re an accomplice.’ He pushed his chair back from the table and stood up, facing me. The toppled glass rolled sideways off the table and smashed on the wooden floor beneath us. I was terrified at the thought of being imprisoned, I was terrified at the thought of being left alone, I was terrified of dying an agonizing death. But I thought I knew right from wrong.
‘Dad, you have to leave her alone. You’re a paedophile and that’s the truth.’
‘And what do you get up to with her every evening, ha? Talking, reading?’
‘Yes! What are you suggesting? You know I can’t touch her.’
The high colour drained from his face. He held on to the table with both hands. He shook his head as if he had water in his ears.
‘If I go to prison, you go too. You’re not too young to go to an adult prison. Do you know what they’d do to you there?’
I’d read many prison books over the years. Papillon was vivid in my mind.
I ran from the kitchen and grabbed the car keys off the hook. Dad came after me, shouting. ‘You can’t do anything without killing yourself, you stupid boy!’
I took the car that night and drove for hours, but where could I go, and who could I tell?
39
Sally
As soon as I heard the whistle I felt like I was going to be sick. He was here. I had asked Udo and Nadine to run to the aid of Lina, the security guard, if the whistle blew, and they both sprinted around the side of the house. Everyone paused, wondering what was going on, except for the children, oblivious on the bouncy castle. I immediately did a head count of all the children attending. They were all there. I exhaled, but there was a lull in the chatter. I asked everyone to stay where they were. I went through the house and collected a poker from the fireplace on my way. A rage boiled up inside me. Finally.
As I opened the front door, I heard a woman’s voice screeching. ‘That freak murdered her father and you don’t even care!’ Lina had her in a headlock, but I couldn’t see her face. Udo called over to me. ‘It’s fine, it’s only that racist nutter who used to work in the Texaco. She’s refusing to leave.’ Caroline.
‘You don’t belong here. Why don’t you go back to your own country?’ she screeched at Udo.
Lina was hustling her backwards down the lane. ‘My wife is a doctor,’ said Nadine, ‘we should have you sectioned.’
‘Lezzer! –’
Lina clamped her hand over Caroline’s mouth.
‘Shall I call the guards, Miss Diamond?’
The poker in my hand seemed to take on a life of its own. I was so wound up and enraged by the thought that it might be Conor Geary, I didn’t know what to do with my anger. I ran towards Caroline with the poker raised. Nadine grabbed me around the waist. ‘Sally! What the fuck?’
Udo wrestled the poker from my grip.
Lina pulled Caroline out of my reach. She dropped her hand from Caroline’s mouth but kept a firm grip on her neck and shoulder.