My throat closes. My pulse races. My shame is a bottomless well that I throw myself into headfirst.
He’s flat-out telling me that this is it. Random hook-ups at his convenience.
No commitments, no questions, just sex.
I shouldn’t be so hurt. It’s not like he hasn’t been saying this since the beginning. I just haven’t been listening.
“I understand. I think I’d like to go home now.”
“Shay, please listen—”
“No, you listen, Cole. I hear you. I get it. And how you want to live your life is totally up to you. But you know what? I deserve better than late night bootie calls and an uncommitted heart. So yes, this has been amazing, and yes, I’m completely gaga over you, but you need to let me up now because I’m going home.”
He closes his eyes and mutters, “Fuck.”
Then he exhales heavily and rolls off me.
I stand, grab my heels, and walk across the grass-lined pavers to the terrace, where I grab my dress off the chair and step into it. As I’m zipping it up, he approaches, naked and stupidly beautiful, his face pained.
He watches me slip into my heels, then suddenly pulls me into his arms.
In a raw voice, he begs, “Stay. Please.”
When I don’t answer, he squeezes me tighter. “I’ll take you home in the morning. Just stay with me tonight, baby. Please stay with me.”
The vulnerability in his voice melts my fragile resolve. I rest my cheek against his chest and close my eyes, trying to keep the pain from my voice when I speak.
“Okay. Just for tonight. You’ve got me until the sun comes up, handsome, then I turn into a pumpkin.”
He kisses my neck. Without another word, he picks me up and carries me inside.
Cole
She’s silent as I carry her through the house and up the stairs to the master, but every so often, she releases a soft, sad sigh.
I know she’s not aware she’s doing it, but it kills me all the same.
I should’ve stayed away. I should’ve been stronger. I should’ve known that whatever forces that led to her standing in my office doorway on her first day as my new assistant were dark and twisted because whatever Fate has in store for me, I’ve always known it’s bad.
There are no such thing as coincidences.
Shay was put in my path to remind me of everything I can never have. To remind me there’s a reason I stay away from people. A reason I don’t get close. A reason that’s bigger than my own selfish desires, no matter how strong those desires might be.
I made a vow that my life would be spent in service to something bigger than me. A vow I’ve kept for a long time. But she sat down at my table at the hotel bar weeks ago and smiled at me, and I’ve thought of nothing else since.
I want so badly to be the man she needs. But the only thing I can give her is uncertainty.
Like she said, she deserves better.
I carry her inside the master bathroom and set her down. I strip off her dress. As she uses the toilet, I turn on the shower and get the water to a nice temperature, then take her in my arms when she steps in.
We stand in silence together letting the warm water flow over our skin. Our heads bowed, our arms around each other, steam rising in billowing clouds that gently caress us…the moment feels holy.
That is, if I knew what holiness is.
Then she takes a breath and grabs a bar of soap from the niche in the wall. Holding it out to me, she smiles.
“Okay, cowboy. You got me pretty dirty. Better clean me up.”
And my heart breaks. It just fucking breaks. For her, for how brave and sweet and wonderful she is, and for me too, because no man should be given everything he’s ever wanted when what he wants is exactly what he can’t have.
I take the bar of soap from her hand, force a smile, and resolve that I won’t ruin our last hours together by being maudlin. “Yes, ma’am. Tell me where you want me to start.”
She goes up on her toes and kisses me.
I kiss her back, trying to pretend the mist in my eyes is from the shower.
After the shower, I dry her off and carry her into bed. She laughs at me, protesting that she knows how to walk, but I know this will be the last time I can do this, so I do.
I make love to her again. It’s different than before, softer, sweeter, and devastatingly powerful.
Probably because we both know it’s goodbye.
She falls asleep in my arms. I lie awake, watching the play of shadows on the ceiling, aching for all the moments we won’t get to share. I finally drift off to sleep, only to awaken with a jolt sometime later.