Silverware clattered.
Vegar sputtered water and choked while Zenith slapped his back.
Instead of defusing the tension like I’d planned, my joke had caused Scorpius to still like he was frozen.
Hurt flashed across his face.
Wait. Does he think he’s ugly?
He had to know he was disturbingly handsome. Right?
I slumped in my seat.
“I was joking,” I said with a sigh. It was hard work being such a good person. “I’m fully aware that it’s no one’s fault but my own. I took too long during the competition, and then I didn’t refuse the punishment like I should have.” My voice cracked. “I never should have…with John.”
I trailed off, unable to say it.
Any softness on Scorpius’s face melted away, and I was left with the cruel, blind king who bullied me.
His fingernails pressed harshly against my skin.
Malum burst into flames beside him.
Orion scowled.
John sat up straighter beside me.
Malum pointed over at the sacred tree. “You’re telling me you wish you were also strung up on the tree right now?”
I spoke without hesitation. “Absolutely. That would have been the right thing to do.”
Jinx’s statements about righteousness flashed through my mind.
She’d said I had to try to be a better person, then I’d gone and done the worst thing of my life.
Ever been the problem?
Same.
Malum growled like a feral animal, and Orion slammed his cup onto the table.
Scorpius squeezed my hands until my bones cracked. “You’re an idiot,” he sneered.
I couldn’t believe I’d wasted a second of my life feeling bad for him.
Struggling against his painful grip, I shook my head and said, “You couldn’t even pretend to be a decent person for five seconds without showing your true colors.”
His eye tattoo blinked lazily like it was seeing through me.
The jerk still hadn’t let me go.
“You think you’re so high and mighty because you’re a queen?” Scorpius tugged me forward across the table, and plates clattered. “You don’t get to judge me. You’re an indolent despot. A product of nepotism. Meanwhile I earned my title with nothing but pure power.”
I scoffed.
“You forget that my title was also earned,” I said haughtily. “I’ve suffered more to be queen than you can even imagine.” I trembled with rage.
Scorpius narrowed his eyes.
Blood dripped across my hand and down my forearm from where he was stabbing me with his nails.
“If that were true, then you wouldn’t act so fucking pathetic. Saying you’d rather be nailed to the tree and blaming me for your shortcomings. Weak. How can someone be so brave one moment and so uncaring about their own life the next?”
I saw red.
I was. Not. Weak.
A monster roared in my head and banged against its cage.
No. There was no monster.
It was just my anger.
Compartmentalizing and removing myself from my emotions was a crutch I’d promised myself I would stop using. It was a sign of insanity.
Was I perfect? No. Sometimes I dissociated for days and murdered people.
But did that make me a bad person? Yes. It definitely did.
But at least I wasn’t insane. Not yet.
It was all I had left.
I squeezed my hands as hard as I could and curled my fingernails so I gouged Scorpius back. “You don’t get to speak to me like you know me.”
“We’ve trained and lived together for months,” he snarled back. “We do know each other.”
Zenith banged his fist on the table. “Stop making a scene. The other legions are staring at us.”
Malum’s flames shot higher into the air. “Since Arabella wishes she’d chosen to be tortured, I think a scene is necessary.”
“Oh, please,” I spat, vision getting darker every second Scorpius didn’t release me. “Don’t act like you care.”
Malum leaned forward.
Flames trailed up the side of his neck as he said, “You don’t get to tell me what I feel. I’ve decided that someone needs to care about you, because you clearly aren’t doing it. I agree the whole slave thing has been a little harsh. I’m sorry if I got carried away with it. Even if my anger gets the best of me, I don’t want to see you suffer.”
I gaped at him. Unable to form a single coherent word.
Did he just talk about his feelings? Did he just apologize?
I knew Malum was not lecturing me about emotional maturity, because that would be ridiculous.
There were rocks that were more emotionally aware than him.
“I’m your captain,” Malum finished awkwardly as scarlet stained the tops of his cheeks, like somehow that explained everything. The blush seemed out of place amongst the harsh angles of his face.
The other men shifted at the table and gave him strange looks.
“Slave,” John mouthed as his eyes clouded. He always bristled when the kings called me that.
“You’re not going to call me ‘slave’ anymore?” I asked slowly.
A muscle in Malum’s jaw jumped. “No.” He grunted, and his bronze cheeks flushed redder. “I never meant it like that.”
My jaw hit the floor.
How many connotations of “slave” were there? One.
Was this man for real right now?
I blinked slowly.
He was really trying to gaslight me into thinking he hadn’t treated me like scum since I’d met him. Good thing I’d never lacked confidence in myself.
I knew I was right.
Was I depressed? Yes. Was I never wrong? Also yes. The two were not mutually exclusive.
“That’s exactly how you meant it,” I snarled at Malum. Annoyed that we were even having this stupid conversation.
Flames jumped off Malum’s skull. “Well, I don’t mean it like that anymore.”
“Good for you.” I laughed sarcastically.
I shoved myself backward with so much force that Scorpius had no choice but to release my hands or break my wrists. Cups clattered, and food spilled.
Now that my hands were free, I used them to clap at Malum mockingly.
“We’re trying to help after…” Scorpius hissed and tilted his head in John’s direction.
His insinuation was clear.
It hit me like a physical blow.
I stopped clapping.
Fingers shook.
I pulled out my pipe and shoved it between my lips, and it clattered against my teeth.
“What’s wrong with you? Why would you bring that up?” Orion whispered as he shoved at Scorpius.
At least Orion cared.
Just not enough.
“I’m trying to help!” Scorpius threw his hands in the air.
Malum looked at me with pity and said something, but the whooshing sensation had returned to my ears, and everything became garbled.
I didn’t want his remorse.
I wanted his blood.
A crushing sensation expanded from my chest into my stomach. Digging my fingernails into my palm, I tried to stay present. Tried to fight off the fugue.
Oblivion swallowed me whole.
The haze returned.
I was barely aware of the meal ending, of moving down the hall and going outside to run.
A student jostled against me in the hall, and he said something. I stared back blankly. He recoiled. Tripped in his haste to get away.