The steady connection of her green eyes was suddenly broken as she dropped her gaze to the plates of stuffed mushrooms and crab cakes. The hard, heavy swallows, shifting the muscles in her throat, told me I had made a mistake by asking. She clearly didn’t want to talk about it, and I made the safe assumption that it had something to do with Seth and his pals over in our old stomping grounds.
“The same reason as you,” she finally replied after a few long moments of silence, bringing her gaze, now shrouded in pain and sadness, back to mine. “A fresh start.”
***
Dinner was filled with food I wished I’d never tasted, only for the fact that I knew I would miss it every other night I couldn’t have it. The conversation between us flowed freely and easily, pieced together by lingering looks and flighty, sometimes-nervous laughter. It felt good to see that our connection surpassed the physical and wasn’t just through Noah, his infectious personality, and a brief but impactful meeting in our past.
Somewhere around the time dessert was brought to the table, I realized that, wow, this was real. Like, this—me, in a nice restaurant, with a pretty woman who genuinely liked me—was happening. And I would go home afterward to my own place—one I was growing prouder of by the day—to hopefully dream of this night and pray that it would happen again.
Ray extended her foot, resting it beside mine beneath the table, as she dived into the fudge brownie sundae we’d decided to share, and out of nowhere, a wave of bittersweet sorrow came over me, joining the awe I couldn’t shake, as I hoped Gramma and Grampa could see me now. I hoped they were proud that, despite it all, I’d still managed to find myself here, knowing the goodness in me had come from them and them alone.
“So, I have another question,” Ray said before bringing the loaded spoon to her mouth.
My eyes focused on her lips wrapping around the metal utensil, pursing and pulling. A drop of hot fudge remained in the corner of her mouth, and I salivated at the thought of licking it away. To taste the chocolate mingling with the taste of her.
I swallowed repeatedly at the lust bubbling deep in my gut and lower, cleared my throat, and grabbed my own spoon. “Yeah?”
Her cheeks reddened as she hesitated. “Okay, I …” She laughed and shook her head, laying a hand against her face. “God, I don’t even know how to ask this …”
As my spoon dug into the mountain of ice cream and brownie, I shrugged. “Come on. I’m an open book. Ask me anything.”
She blew out a breath. “Okay, okay, okay, um …” She inhaled, closing her eyes, then opened them to pierce me with an apologetic gaze. “Have you ever … been with anyone before?”
Fucking hell. I didn’t mean to laugh at the question, but with my mouth wrapped around the spoon, I snorted through my nose and chuckled from deep in my chest. Ray was instantly embarrassed, groaning and covering her eyes as she tried to suppress her grin and shook her head.
“I’m sorry. It was dumb.”
“No”—I laid my spoon on the plate and quelled my laughter—“it’s not dumb. I just … I wasn’t expecting it.”
Then, I folded my hands and emptied my lungs. “Yes,” I replied simply.
Still embarrassed, she cleared her throat and gave her head a rapid shake before grabbing her spoon hastily. “I mean, obviously. God, I don’t know why I even asked. I don’t know why I even thought—”
“I mean, I was pretty young when I was arrested, so I could see why you’d think I hadn’t,” I offered weakly, trying to make her feel less silly. “Not a kid, but …” I shrugged half-heartedly. “The thing is, if I’m being honest … I don’t feel like anything counted then. Like, before.”
She dipped her spoon into the sundae as her eyes once again met mine. “No?”
I shook my head. “That’s what I was saying to you earlier, about girlfriends and whatever. None of it actually meant something to them or … to me.” Shit. Being honest was hard, and that was evident in the tightness in my chest and the rapid thrum of my heart. “I mean”—I cleared my throat, trying to relieve my discomfort in the conversation—“I lost my virginity to a girl who didn’t have the cash for pills, and being an idiot, I said okay. Because, in my head, it was better to get rid of them than to have them lying around for Diane to take. And I never, um …” My gaze dropped from hers—so sad and pitying—to stare at the melting ice cream. “I never did that again. I mean, had sex in exchange for pills. It felt … wrong and dirty and …”
I stopped myself then. Because hadn’t it all felt dirty? Whether it was that one time in exchange for two pills or in a dirty fast-food restaurant restroom with a very high Tammi for the sake of simply having sex, wasn’t it all self-deprecating and disgusting? I wasn’t proud of any of it. None of it was the behavior of a good person—a good man—and maybe that was why I felt that none of it had counted. Not now. Not for the person I was today.
“I’ve only ever been with Seth.”
A pang of hurt and sympathy struck my heart like a lightning bolt at Ray’s own admission. I brought my eyes back to hers, and she offered a weak smile.
“When was the last time?” I asked, not sure why I even cared to know while dying to know more than just that.
Had I known her already? Had it happened right next door from me, when I was only thirteen steps away and capable of stopping him?
My stomach churned with a warning.
“Um …”
She pulled her lips between her teeth, and I realized abruptly that maybe she didn’t want to talk about this at all. God, what kind of asshole asked a woman to relive those memories? Why hadn’t I thought of that from the start?
“I’m sorry,” I said, feeling it was my turn to apologize, but she shook her head.
“No, it’s okay. It’s just that I don’t honestly remember. It’s been a while, I think, and anytime it happened, I dunno. I usually just … blocked it out.”
I had told her I’d gladly carry her pain. I hadn’t been lying about that. But, man, it was a heavy load, and I hung my head under its weight. Wishing I could do something to erase it all and start fresh.
“It hasn’t always been completely terrible. We actually sorta dated for a while after I found out I was pregnant. He had apologized and said he’d try to be better,” she added, as if that made it all okay. “But … it’s never been particularly good either.”
Rage could be powerful. It could be enough to make a man kill, and for the right reasons, I thought it could be justified. I could kill Seth, and I knew it would be justified. Maybe not in the eyes of the law, but I didn’t need it to be. Not when, in my heart and mind, I knew it would be right to rid the world of another vile man.
But I also knew I wouldn’t do it, as nice as it was to think about bashing his head against a brick wall. No, I wouldn’t do it because, for once, I felt I had too much to lose.
I reached out with a hand—so much bigger than hers—and laid it over her arm.
“Then, anything with him doesn’t count either,” I said in nearly a whisper.