God, how is it that in one week among people, all my insecurities have returned so viciously? I hate this. Hate the unsteady ground I’m walking on here. At least with Henry I knew the rules.
Why do I always seem to be living by someone else’s?
I work to keep my face smooth as I stare at my feet, but tension knots my shoulders.
“Jesus, Jasper,” Lucky mutters, “the lot of you need to back the hell off her so she can get her shit together. Between Jaykob hulking out and throwing her against walls and you going full sadist, she’ll be completely warped. Let me show her how to have a bit of fun before you start stripping her raw. Please? Just back off of us for a while?”
Full sadist? Stripping me raw?
Despite myself, my gaze once again lifts and slides between the two men. The little comments over the last few days start to make sense. I turn the label over in my mind. Sadist.
Jasper doesn’t respond right away. That chilling, deadly stance returns as he faces Lucky; it would look almost lazy, if not for the treacherous tilt to his mouth.
Lucky gives an uncomfortable roll of his shoulders under that stare, grimacing. The flush deepens over his cheeks.
He spares a blue-eyed glance at me, then sighs, setting his feet reluctantly, as though it physically hurts to set himself against his friend.
“You owe me,” Lucky finally says in a low, serious voice.
Something silently passes between the two men. After a long, tense moment, Jasper inclines his head. “Very well.” Then his eyes narrow and his voice becomes granite. “Though don’t presume, Lucien, that there is any debt between us. We both know better than that. I have never taken more than was offered.”
I am most certainly not being told everything.
As Lucky’s face turns scarlet, Jasper looks at me, and the bright, proud insolence from moments before dims back to his usual detached elegance.
“I apologize, Eden. That was impolite of me. Would you please join me for chess tomorrow? To be clear, you are under no obligation to do so. I would simply enjoy the pleasure of your company.”
Frustration and embarrassment make me want to flee to my room. Maybe even from the house. I don’t know why I thought I could do this.
“Eden?” he prompts, and this time his voice is soft, gentle as the brush of a feather.
When I look up, his face is lined with deep remorse. It soothes some of the sting, but none of my confusion.
I manage a nod. “Yes. Of course. Thank you.”
“I had better get back to work. Have a good afternoon.”
With a nod to each of us, he stalks back to his not-so-secret secret study. Lucky and I both stare after him, red-cheeked, as he leaves.
Chapter 16
Lucky
SURVIVAL TIP #212
Laugh when it hurts.
Tears will only dehydrate you.
I turn to see Eden’s bewildered expression just as the books start slipping from her arms. I catch them, helping to steady her, then snicker, trying to put Jasper’s last comment to me from my mind.
“Weight of the world, huh?” I tease.
Her brow wrinkles. Then she looks at the atlases atop the towering pile and rolls her eyes. We set them on a table, and she worries her lip over the disorder. She’s every inch the librarian today, and damn if it doesn’t leave me hard as a rock.
“What—？” she begins and then stops, flustered.
“Ah.” I rub a hand over the back of my head, wondering how much she picked up on, how much to explain. My T-shirt lifts with the motion, and I pretend not to notice when her eyes light on my bared skin. Smugness makes me want to grin, settling some of my stomach-aching jealousy, though I wish to hell I didn’t have to be the one to try and explain Jasper to her.
It seems kind of like adding insult to injury at this point.
After I finally escaped from the group meeting earlier, I’d needed to shower and change before I started feeling anything like myself again. “Jasper is kinda . . . Well. I mean, he’s a—”
“A sadist,” Eden whispers. Her blue-gray eyes are adorably wide behind her glasses.
I shrug and quirk a smile. “Yeah, I guess. And a dominant. You remember we were in a kink club when it all got real? Well, that’s kinda why you got stuck with the more colorful personalities in the troop.”
She blinks at me, then leans against the table, seeming to take that in. “So he wants to hurt me?”
Her voice sounds small, and I just barely stop myself from wrapping her in a hug. Damn it. Jasper should be explaining this. I try to think of a way to put it that won’t freak her the hell out.
“Only if you want him to. It’s only fun for him if you’re into it too. I guess— I mean, part of the appeal for him is pushing you to your limits, and making you want to be pushed there. Pain can heighten the pleasure of sex for some people.”
Eden turns the shade of sun-curdled cauliflower.
Oo-kay. Screwed that one up.
“Not for me,” she insists. One delicate hand flutters to her throat where her pulse pounds. “I wouldn’t like that.”
I must have hesitated a moment too long because her chin lifts in defiance. “I wouldn’t!”
I give her my best grin, lifting my palms in surrender. Then, once her chin starts to lower to a normal level, I add quickly, “But just hear me out.”
She huffs in exasperation, but a hint of amusement eases into her features.
Good. I want her to relax around me. Lord-our-deeply-ashamed-father knows she won’t get much chance around the rest of these idiots.
“You said you had fun with Jaykob, right?”
Her cheeks pinken.
“Um . . . fun might not be exactly the right word,” she says, “but yes, I— I did enjoy myself.”
“There’s nothing wrong with enjoying pain, beautiful. Or putting yourself in someone else’s control, so long as you trust them not to abuse it,” I tell her gently, earnestly. “You were covered in bruises, and knowing Jayk, he probably threw you around a bit, huh? I’m guessing he was a little rough?”
I don’t need her tentative nod to know I’m right; I saw her this morning, and I saw the way the big bastard fucked often enough back in the day. Of the five of us, only Jasper was ever worried about privacy. I’ve never been able to decide if it was a blessing or a curse that I never saw Jasper dominating anyone else.
The way Eden’s eyes cloud with lust does nothing to help my hard-on.
I clear my throat and continue, “But you still had a good time. For some people, that kind of treatment during sex just makes them feel more desired. Like they can’t get enough of you. The pain and the pleasure kind of blend together, right?”
Her embarrassment seems to have faded slightly and her look of thoughtful concentration has me biting back a smile. Fuck she’s cute. Her lower lip is caught between her teeth and small frown lines appear between her brows. Apparently considering the theory, rather than how it applies to her, is more acceptable.
“So you know that having both pain and pleasure isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Now, Jasper, he just kind of takes that to the next level. He likes delivering pain in a controlled way, doling it out like a treat or a punishment until your body wants the pain. It brings your pleasure to a different level. It’s full-on. Exhausting, both physically and mentally. But it can feel fucki— I mean, it can feel good. Really good.”