“But you didn’t give it to her,” I croon.
I squeeze his length, just this side of painful. Lucien moans, then grits his teeth against the sound, clearly trying to control himself. Blue eyes flash defiantly at me. “Her mouth was incredible, she let me use it twice.”
Of course she did. Lucien has a beautiful cock; she should worship it.
But only when I say she can.
My grip tightens, and he whimpers, tensing, but I see the submission sliding over him. The fight leaves his body, and he pumps into my punishing touch. Adrenaline thrums through me, pressure building in my balls. My heart stutters and twists.
What am I doing?
I release Lucien as quickly as I grabbed him, ignoring the way my chest throbs, avoiding the devastation and humiliation crossing his face. I’m shaky, unsettled. Damn it, I know better than this. I decided against this. What happened to my control?
Kimchi and dimples. A toxic combination.
Forcing myself to relax—or at least seem to—I look up at the screens again, realizing with irritation that I’ve somehow skipped the camera ahead to present time, losing my place on yesterday’s feed.
“Really, Jasper?” Lucien’s voice trembles with hurt. “What the hell are you doing with me? Will you make up your damn mind? Can’t you see that I want you?”
Shame has sharp teeth, it seems, and it minces my insides as I bring up yesterday’s feed from that camera on another screen.
“Damn it, look at me. I deserve an explanation. What is it? First I thought you wanted Eden, but then you broke things off with her, and I thought maybe . . . But then, with Jayk, you pushed me away again, and I just—” Lucky lets out a hard, frustrated breath. “What is it? Is it that I’m a man? Because I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you’re indifferent to me. I—”
My fingers halt on the keys, and I can’t help but turn to stare at him, flummoxed.
“What does you being a man have to do with anything?”
“I—” His mouth opens, then clicks shut as he frowns at me. “Doesn’t it?”
I quirk a brow at him, utterly at a loss to this turn in the conversation. “Was it me jerking off that gorgeous cock of yours that made you think I wasn’t interested in men? Or me oiling you up and having you parade around as my most exquisite furniture?” That was a particularly weak day for me. “Or was it the way I bent you over to see how you would take that hook up that pretty ass of yours?” I shake my head, disbelieving. “No. I wouldn’t change a thing about you, Lucien.”
Color floods his cheeks again, but his pulse is hammering, and he has the look of a sub pushed almost to his limits. That look wrecks me, floods me with the need to protect him. The pain is only fun when I can make it better.
“Then why?” He thrusts his hand into his hair and grips it. “Jasper, what is the damn problem?”
“Why can’t you just leave it be?” I hiss. I rub my forehead, trying to fight against the urge to pull him into my arms.
“Why?” He laughs, and there’s a hysterical edge to it. “God damn it, Jasper, can’t you see that I’m in love with you? I’d give you anything, everything you ask for. You want me too. I know you do. You have to.”
“And what about Eden? You want her, don’t you?” I snap, pushing out of the chair.
“So? I want you both. We could all have each other. I’m sure, if you apologize, she’ll—”
The single tear that slid off her cheek as I rejected her still scalds my skin.
I shake my head once, cutting him off. “Just be with Eden, Lucien. She’s lovely—she’ll make you happy.”
“No, Jasper.” His voice drops low. “It’s not enough.”
I grit my teeth, hating the ring of truth I hear in that statement.
“You’re attracted to her,” I say mildly, turning back to him when I’ve managed to gain control of my expression again. My heart gnashes against the cage I press it into.
“She’s not a dominant, and neither am I. We can’t be that for each other.” Lucien glares at me. “Not without you. We both need more.”
Panic makes my head light. “You’re a switch, Lucien. I’ve seen you do it.”
“Dominating isn’t the same. It doesn’t fill me,” he says, unrelenting. “And I don’t think I can do it with her. Maybe it’s just been too long, or maybe I just realized I prefer being the submissive, I don’t know, but I couldn’t.”
No.
A mismatch in kink, especially one as fundamental as this, is devastating. It’s the reason my marriage failed. It’s the reason I gave Eden for turning her down—one that wasn’t the whole truth, but still a valid one. I sensed no deep desire for pain from her.
If Lucien can’t switch . . . if he doesn’t want to dominate . . .
His eyes find mine again, brimming with pain and confusion. “I couldn’t, Jasper. She’s gorgeous and funny and smart and she tastes like a dream. With her, I can finally breathe again in a way I never could before, not even with you. She could be my best friend, I could love her completely, easily, but that edge . . . that thing, that takes me somewhere else, that thing that calms me, and makes me feel safe, and broken . . . it just wasn’t there without you. I couldn’t help it. I didn’t want to, but I just kept thinking how much I wanted you there with us, taking both of us for yourself. I want her. I might even need her in a way you can never give me, but I need you too. I need you to take control. I need to see her make you come. She should be there next to me, both of us kneeling for you, and—”
“Just shut up, Lucien,” I snap, cutting off that drugging, impossible picture. Because it is far, far too easy to see. My Eden, crawling on her knees to me. Rewarding her with Lucien’s cock. Both of them, mine, to pet and hold and shatter as I like. “It will never happen.”
There’s a long, terrible silence.
“Why? Just answer that, Jasper. I deserve to know why.”
The pain in his voice paralyzes me, and I loathe myself for putting it there.
Why? The why would lay me naked before him. It would flay the flesh from my bones and leave me no place to hide. It might kill me to tell him why.
But I’ve tried everything else.
He’s right.
It’s time for Lucien to know it all.
Chapter 32
Jasper
SURVIVAL TIP #32
Your fight will give out at some point.
Prepare for the consequences.
I breathe in through my nose, calling on every meditative technique I ever learned to pull myself back into some shaky semblance of control. Two, three more breaths later and I’m able to stare at the screens, at that bird flying in and settling on that tree branch.
Why. Where to begin?
“My wife—” I start, then try again. “My relationship with Soomin . . . it was so straightforward, at first. She was a darling.
Sweet, intelligent, and a wonderful, trained submissive. You met her. You know.”
Lucien leans against the desk, watching without speaking, and I’m grateful. This is a difficult thing to articulate. It’s hard to talk about her; harder still to talk about her with him.