“How…else does it make you feel?” he asks.
With each word spoken in his gravelly voice, he’s drawn just a little closer. He isn’t in touching distance yet, but I can make out the individual water beads on his strong neck. The droplets in his hair. The gold ring around those green eyes.
Vulnerable. That’s the answer to his question. I think about lying again. But Nanna’s advice echoes in me. Each time I take a risk, I break a little more of the hold fear has on me, and I’m led further into this adventure. There are no guarantees, no safety net.
And isn’t that the greatest risk?
The risk of being seen.
The risk of showing someone who I am and having them reject me anyway.
But what’s the other option?
To always stay hidden. In stories. In letters and texts. With the subterfuge of trying to be someone I’m not, to deny the things I feel.
I’ve been too afraid that my crush on Chase will show even more than it already has. I’ve been pretending everything is fine. That I’m the type of cool, casual girl who can hook up with a boy one weekend and then just be friends the next. No biggie, no aching heart. I’ve been lying to myself, and to Chase, too afraid to reveal the truth.
I’m not sure how I find my bravery, but I’m so done with hiding. With resolve that has me shaking, I slowly swim away from the shadows.
Toward Chase.
He’s close enough that I can hear his gasp of indrawn breath.
“How does it make me feel? Scared. Excited. Seen,” I whisper.
A few small movements, and I’m there before him. I’m still beneath the water, but in the silvery moonlight I wonder how much of me he can see now, if anything.
Only his gaze strays, flashing down my body briefly before shifting back up to meet my eyes. He swallows audibly.
We stay like that for I don’t know how long, both floating in the light, facing each other, only our eyes connecting. The world narrows to just the beat of my heart, the sound of our breaths. I don’t touch him; he doesn’t touch me.
“You can touch, you know.” His voice is a caress in all my most intimate places.
“What?” My heart stutters.
“Your feet can touch the bottom now. We’re at the shallow end,” he elaborates.
“Oh,” I say, feeling stupid, my mind on a different kind of touching.
I stop treading water and realize he’s right. It’s still deep, but my tiptoes can touch the pool floor.
A breeze chills my skin.
I think he might bridge the distance and touch me, kiss me. I hold my breath, waiting, wanting, but instead he steps back into the shadows and the moment is gone.
Feeling exposed and foolish now for everything I was thinking, everything I was hoping, I look away and spot my wrap near me at the side of the pool. I grab it and cover myself. The mesh-like fabric doesn’t hide everything, but it helps, giving me a layer of protection. We’re just friends, I tell myself. Friends swim together. Not usually naked, but still.
“I can get used to this,” I say, pretending a casualness I don’t feel, pretending I hadn’t just been wishing he would take me in his arms and kiss me.
“Used to what?” His voice sounds rough in the night.
My mouth tips into a wistful smile. If he had reached out to me, I would have said “you.” Instead, I settle for another version of the truth. “This weather, this pool, this view, this estate. It’s magical.”
He turns away from me slowly, and looks around, taking in the place he calls home. His expression is tight, but when he speaks, his words are light. “I love this estate. It’s another reason I’ve stayed here so long. Sebastian and Ryder are great, but living with them can get a little insane between Sebastian’s parties and Ryder’s late-night jam sessions, even if I have my own space.”
“I heard that Gretta Blake built this house?” Sebastian’s grandmother was a Hollywood icon and a pioneering feminist.
He nods. “Did you know she built my cottage for her hookups?”
I laugh, letting the tips of my fingers play with the water, creating wave patterns. “Go, Gretta.”
“I read her biography when I first moved in. This estate was rocking back then.”
“It’s rocking now, I imagine.”
“Sebastian helps keep up the rep,” Chase says with a slow smile that sends a shiver down my spine. “So, how are you doing with your risks?”
“They’re uncomfortable. But I’ve also gained some experiences I wouldn’t have wanted to miss out on,” I answer honestly. Tonight is one of them, even if I feel too exposed, like a live wire.