She jumps off the chair and opens a drawer with place mats and cloth napkins, taking a moment to mull over the color she wants for today. I love that she chooses a cheery sunflower pattern, one of my designs, and lays out the flatware.
I bring the tray of fish sticks and Tater Tots over, serving us both before taking the pan back to the counter. She’s poured herself a glass of milk and me a glass of bubbly water over ice. We have our rituals, especially after she stayed with me for over a year during the pandemic.
We sit down. She squirts ketchup on her plate and dips a fish stick in. Without speaking, she eats three fish sticks and a half dozen Tater Tots and then washes it down with milk. “How can we be safe, Nana? That’s what I want to know.”
“Well,” I say, and call up my own grandmother. What would Amma have said under these circumstances? It wasn’t as dangerous for kids when I was a child, honestly. Or maybe it was. Either way, I know what she would say. “The truth is, baby, that you can’t stop bad things from happening. All these things you’ve been worrying about—tsunamis and pandemics—those are not predictable.”
“My friend Bennie’s grandma died from COVID and so did Uncle Dmitri. I couldn’t stand it if that happened to you.”
“It didn’t,” I say, and pick up a fish stick. “And most people didn’t die. Almost no people will ever see a tsunami in their lifetimes. Epidemics happen, but only once in a while, and we have all kinds of tools now. Getting bombed, here or in England, is probably something you don’t have to worry about. You can take that off your worry list.”
“What about school shootings? We have drills all the time. You can’t say that won’t happen because it does.”
One of my most painful fears, a thing I’m not sure I could survive. Looking at her serious gray eyes, I see both her resignation and disbelief, and I can’t say it won’t, and it kills me. I hate it that I can’t stand guard over her twenty-four hours a day with a sword drawn. “I can’t. But guess where they don’t have them? London.”
“What? Why not?”
“That is a very complicated question, my dear, but I can tell you that I’ve never heard of one.”
She leans her head on her hand, musing. “That’s good, I guess.”
I wonder if I’ve taken the wrong tack. Will she be more worried than ever? I take a breath and reach for her hand. “You know, Jasmine, good things happen all the time, too. You just have to focus as much as you can on the good things.”
“But I worry!”
I grin. “That’s because you have an amazing imagination. Maybe try to direct it toward good things more.”
“Maybe,” she says with a shrug.
“You could also stay off the internet and stop looking for disasters.”
“But Suze said today you were all into Pompeii. I’m going to look that up.”
“Try looking up good things instead.”
“Like what?”
“Varieties of cats? What kind of flowers to grow?” I raise a finger. “How about, ‘What are the best ten things about living in London?’”
“That’s a good idea, actually.” She pops another Tater Tot in her mouth, glugs the rest of the milk. “Can I be excused?”
“Sure.”
Ben texts me in the middle of the night. You awake?
Am I ever asleep?
Want some company?
This has been our pattern for quite some time, months. We text back and forth, and then he comes over for tea and company. We play poker or rummy or some other card game, and then he goes home and we go to sleep. Now, an anticipatory shiver runs through me. Now, things are different.
I think of Jasmine asleep in the other room. Jasmine is sleeping.
We can be quiet.
It’s not that. It feels weird.
Ah. We don’t have to do anything. Just hang out.
I’m not sure I can now, though. I’ll want my hands on him. I’ll want to bring him to my bedroom and have sex. The craving for it scares me a little. It’s not particularly controlled and I like being in control.
I think it’s better if we just text this time.
The dots appear. Disappear. Appear. Disappear. Finally: Okay. I’ll see you in the morning, then.
We can text if you want
That’s okay. I’ll just read. Xox
A hollow ache settles right below my breastbone. Maybe I should tell him to come over anyway. We had such a great time the other night, and I think I really like him, and I know he really likes me.