He takes the bowl and shovels more cornflakes into his mouth. Every time I see some splatter, I feel the need to reach over and clean his face for him.
“You’re a really good cook,” he says between chews.
I suppress a laugh. “Thanks, Lev. I appreciate that.”
We spend the next few minutes talking about books. Well, I spend the next few minutes talking about books. Lev mostly just listens and eats, though he doesn’t seem to mind me rambling. When he’s done, his gaze starts flitting around the kitchen as though he’s looking for something.
“You okay, Lev?”
“Do you think Uri will be mad at me?”
I frown. “Why would he be mad at you?”
“Because I came down here. He told me not to come down here.”
“He probably just didn’t want you to be upset. He was protecting you. And me.”
“Because he’s my big brother,” Lev agrees. “That’s his job. He says so all the time.”
Oh, God. Another punch to the ovaries.
I’m having all the feels right now and that is not a good thing. “Well, he’s right. It’s important for siblings to look out for each other.”
Lev frowns. “I don’t look after him.”
“You may not think so but I bet there’s something you’re doing for him, even if you don’t know it.” His frown gets even deeper and I can see on his face that I’m not making any sense to him. “I remember my sister used to get really stressed out before exams. So I used to give her a big hug right before she sat for the tests. Later, when we were older, she told me that those hugs helped her. I didn’t know it at the time, but I did make a difference, no matter how small.”
Lev shakes his head. “How can a hug help?”
I smile. “It’s a physical gesture of love. It’s a way of showing someone you care without actually saying it.”
He starts oscillating on his stool. “I don’t like hugs.”
Of course he doesn’t, you idiot. You couldn’t have come up with another example?
“A hug isn’t the only way to show someone you care. There are tons of other ways. Like… sharing your video games, for example.”
Lev thinks about that. His spinning slows, then stops. “Oh.” His eyes go blank for a moment before they focus on me again. “I still don’t want Uri to be mad at me.”
“I’m sure he won’t—”
“I have to go.”
He jerks away from the island and leaves the kitchen so fast that I have to jog to keep up with him. He pulls the door open with ease but he pauses at the threshold.
“How long are you staying?” he asks without any eye contact.
“I’m not sure, Lev. But I promise to leave as soon as I can.”
He’s looking directly at the door frame, running his finger down the cool steel strip. “It’s okay. You can use my basement.”
I have to bite on my bottom lip to keep it from wobbling. “See? Now, I know you care about me.” He blushes. “Will you come and see me again, Lev?”
He nods silently and then bolts out the door.
It’s still early, so I get back in bed and go back to my usual pastime of staring at the ceiling. But this time, I’m smiling.
24
URI
It’s four in the morning when I turn on the feed that links to the basement. I can’t sleep and I figured I’d check to see if she could.
She isn’t sleeping. No. She’s standing behind the bed, clearly rattled by the presence of my younger brother who I had expressly told to stay out of the fucking basement.
My first thought is, What the fuck?
My second thought is, I’m gonna go down right now and yank him outta there.
My third thought is… Let’s see how this plays out.
That’s before Lev ends up on his ass on the floor, rocking back and forth as though he’s going to explode out of his skin. I’ve seen this happen enough times to know that he’s close to a full-blown breakdown. And if that happens, calming him down is a huge process. Hours of incessant murmuring and comforting and pleading.
Then comes the recovery period. Sometimes, it takes a day or two. Other times, much, much longer. That’s the last thing I need right now. I can’t afford to let things spiral out of—
I freeze when Alyssa drops onto the floor in front of Lev and covers her face just like he’s doing. She mirrors his every movement until it becomes a game. Until he drops his hands and stops looking so terrified.