That’s my second reason to leave. Actually, who am I kidding? I have thousands of those.
But I allow myself just one moment of weakness. I stroke her perfect, blush pink cheek with the back of my fingers.
Then I get the fuck up and I get the fuck out.
Because, despite what I know I want, I also know that I can’t have it. We come from two infinitely different universes. We’re two completely different people. We can’t exist together in either sphere.
All we have are these stolen moments in the silence between our worlds.
I meet her eyes for a fleeting second. Then I rip myself away from her and practically run to the door. I don’t turn back before I leave.
If I do…
I may not leave at all.
43
ALYSSA
The hot shower does a good job of wiping my body clean.
But as for my head? Yeah—not so much.
By the time I force myself out from under the rainfall showerhead, my fingers are badly pruned and I’m no closer to figuring out what to do than I was before.
One thing I can be sure of: Uri sought me out. He was going through something and he came to me. I may be struggling to control my feelings for him—but now, I’m sure that, in his own way, he’s going through the exact same struggle.
We’re like magnets with opposite poles. No matter how hard we try to fight it, we keep being pulled back together by forces beyond our control.
My core has been throbbing since he left. My jaw is a little sore and my tongue is still salty with his taste—but I don’t regret any of it.
And that, in and of itself, freaks me out.
Shouldn’t I regret it? Wouldn’t a normal, self-respecting woman be appalled at the way Uri is treating me? Like I’m expendable to him? A sex toy that he can use and discard whenever he pleases?
He may very well be using me. Hell, he’s practically said those exact words. But there are moments in between the wild sex and the passionate fighting when he does something that makes me think I’m more to him than just a convenient fuck.
Something as simple as a slice of cake or as intense as brushing my face with the softest of touches just a few minutes ago, right before he left. As insignificant as those gestures seem on the face of it… they feel important to me.
They mean something.
I can’t bring myself to get back in bed. So instead, I pace. I meander back and forth between the bed and the gaming area again and again, carving foot trails in the carpet.
The longer I stay here, the harder it becomes to have perspective. The harder it becomes to extricate myself from the emotional cesspit I’m falling into. Every day, I get a little bit more attached to Lev. I fall a little bit harder for Uri. I convince myself that whatever the two of us have is normal.
It’s not.
Fucking my face and then walking away is not normal!
Confining me to a basement during weekends for some unknown reason is not normal!
Seeking me out for sex whenever he’s upset and then disappearing on me when I need him the most is definitely not fucking normal!
I just have to act while I still believe that. Before I’m in so deep that I just accept that this is my new life and Uri gets to dictate how it goes.
Buoyed by my newfound determination, I rush to the gaming area and turn on the screen on the off chance that Liam has seen my friend request and accepted me. I’m not really expecting it to work out. The wedding’s right around the corner. Pretty sure the groom won’t have time to—
Friend request accepted.
I want to cry. Today, I’m extremely grateful for Liam’s obsessive love for all things video games. If I ever get out of this basement, I’m gonna buy him a new Xbox with all the trimmings.
I gasp when I see Liam’s little avatar icon turn green. He’s online! I grab the remote control and start typing fast into our private conversation box.
ALYSSA: Liam. It’s Alyssa. I know it’s late but if you’re there can you get Elle on here pronto? It’s urgent.
LIAM: Hold up. I’ll get her.
I’m freaking out. My heart is pumping fast, my legs feel like jelly and I’m almost positive I’m thiiis close to peeing my pants.
I jump again when I see the three little dots appear on the screen that means someone—hopefully Elle—is typing.
LIAM: Alyssa! What. The. Fuck??? Where the hell are you?
ALYSSA: First off, I’m so fucking sorry I missed your bridal shower.
LIAM: You think I care about that shit? Where the hell are you? Should I be calling the police? Just give me the word and I’m dialing 911 right fucking now.