Tears shine in her eyes. Each and every one of them makes me want to bite my tongue right off. “Y-you’re lying…” She backs away, pale and trembling.
It’s better this way, urges the sickeningly cruel voice in my head. Keep going. Push past the point of no return.
“Why would I lie? You saw the women that came before you. What makes you think you’re any different? I just had to pretend in the beginning, to give you a reason to stay. It was easier than I thought—”
“Don’t.”
“—but like all new things, the shine wears off. The novelty wears off. You’re no different.”
A lone, fat tear slides down her cheek. She turns and runs into the bathroom. But even after she’s slammed the door on me, I can hear her crying. Loud, hurt sobs that echo inside the walls of my head.
What have I done? What the fuck have I done?
I push down the panic and try to think rationally. I did what I had to do.
So why does it feel so fucking bad?
48
ALYSSA
It’s been days since our blowout.
The tape I pasted over the cameras has been removed. Svetlana brings me trays of food three times a day, but most of the time, the trays go back up untouched. I’m sure she’s informing Uri of that fact, not that it changes anything. He still doesn’t come back down here.
Which checks out, really. He told me that he didn’t give a shit about me. I was the fool who was holding out hope that he was lying. And I wouldn’t be doing that if I didn’t have feelings for him.
Stockholm Syndrome is a motherfucker, as it turns out. I’m a therapist’s wet dream at this point. If I didn’t laugh about it, I’d have to cry about it, and Lord only knows when that would end.
I’ve indulged in tears often enough these last few days. It always begins the same way. I start reliving every moment that Uri and I have shared together. Not just the intimate stuff, but everything else. The conversations. The picnics. The side glances that felt like more than just a little peek when I thought he wasn’t looking.
Despite the awful things that he said to me, I can’t bring myself to believe that everything we shared before then was a lie.
I keep going around in circles until my head hurts and my stomach aches and I can’t think straight anymore. I’ve contemplated asking Elle for help, even if it means involving the police, but I still can’t bring myself to pull the trigger.
Why, though?
Why am I still protecting him?
I’ve asked that question to the empty room more times than I can count. I have yet to receive an answer.
I spring to my feet when the bolt unlatches. Svetlana appears like clockwork for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. This is not one of her standard times. Which means it might just be—
“Lev.”
He pushes his head in uneasily, his eyes flitting around the room like he’s scared of something jumping out at him.
I haven’t seen him for days, so I assumed that Uri had ordered him to stay away from me. But I’m so relieved to see him. I’m so desperate for human contact. For any kind of contact.
He slips into the basement and closes the door but he stays pasted to the wall. His eyes never stop moving.
“Lev,” I say gently as I approach him, “are you okay?”
“I… need something.”
I smile reassuringly. “Okay. What do you need? If you want, I can help you look.”
“I need… something… I can’t remember.”
“That’s okay. How about you just hang out down here with me and I’m sure you’ll remember at some point?”
He nods like he’s agreeing, but he still doesn’t move from where he’s plastered against the wall. He lifts his eyes to me and then drops them again. As he does, he mumbles something so fast that I have no idea what he said.
“I’m sorry, Lev. I didn’t catch that.”
“You look sad.”
Oh. I keep my cringe on the inside so he doesn’t see it. “I suppose I was a little sad. But I’m not anymore.”
“Why?”
“Because you’re here, duh.”
That gets him to lift his head again at least. There’s a tiny, shy smile playing at the corners of his mouth. I gesture for him to join me in the reading nook that I’ve turned upside down in the last twenty-four hours.
“W-what did you do?” Lev asks, stopping short.
Oh, shit.
“Sorry, Lev. I was bored and I just started moving things around. If you don’t like it, we can change it back.”