His eyes dart around the space, taking it all in. All the changes. The little signs that I’ve been here, in his space, with his things. The panic builds in him like steam pressure. The speed of his eye twitches increases, his chin wobbles, the fingers of one hand tap against the inside of his other wrist again and again…
“Lev, listen to me, it’s all gonna be okay. Just breathe, okay? Just breathe.”
He takes three big breaths but his eyes never stop their erratic veering. “I… I… I…”
“Lev, sweetheart, listen to me. Nothing has changed here. Your books are still your books. Your chairs are still your chairs. Your beanbags are still your beanbags. It’s just a different set up… and it works a little better. See? You can reach the shelves from here.” I’m dancing around like an idiot trying to distract him from his too-big feelings. “We can put everything back if you really don’t like it. I promise.”
His hands have stopped shaking but he is rocking back and forth on his heels now. He looks at me and opens his mouth. I brace for the worst. Then he says…
“Why do you look like that?”
I blink. “Um, how do I look?”
His brow furrows. “Like a… crazy person.”
I stare at his deadpan expression for a moment. Then I burst out laughing. I laugh so hard that Lev actually takes a step back. “Oh, God—you know what, Lev? I feel like a crazy person.”
I comb through the knots in my hair with my fingers but I give up after I get stuck a couple of times. I probably should change out of these PJs, too. I’ve been living in them the last two days. They probably reek right now, both of B.O. and desperation.
“I’m sorry, Lev,” I say with a sigh as I run my hands over my face. “I don’t mean to freak you out.”
The rocking continues. “People say I’m crazy.”
I stop short and take a step towards him. He flinches so I hold my ground. “Who says that to you?”
“Just… people.” He shrugs. “When I go out, they stare. When I talk, they laugh. Sometimes, they just say it to my face.”
I grit my teeth, anger flooding through me so fast that I’m pretty sure my face turns red. “You’re not crazy, Lev,” I tell him softly. “Don’t let anyone make you believe that.”
“You’re not crazy, either,” he says. “Even though you look like it.”
I snort with laughter. “Thanks. I appreciate it.”
He nods solemnly. “Do you wanna sit with me? I’ll take the blue beanbag and you can take the green.”
He ambles over and sits down. I’m gonna count this as a victory. I haul my beanbag a little closer and plop down next to him. “I’m glad you’re here, Lev. I’ve missed you.”
“Me?”
“Are you kidding? Of course. You’re my only friend here.”
He blinks slowly, staring at me with those huge eyes of his. “I don’t have any friends.”
“Well, now, you do. I’m your friend.”
“I have a friend…” he whispers softly to himself as he wraps his long arms around his body. “I have a friend… I have a friend… I can tell Polly…”
“Polly? Who’s that?”
His head jerks up and his eyes bulge. “I-I-I… wasn’t supposed to say her name.”
My body goes cold. Does Uri have another woman up there? Has he already replaced me? Is that why I’m relegated to the basement for good now?
He did tell me the truth—he doesn’t care about me. He was using me. It was just sex for him. Oh, God. How could I be so damn blind? So damn stupid? So damn naïve?
“Uri’s gonna be mad at me…”
The rocking is back with a vengeance. All the tics are. Fingers, chin, muttering. I push down my own impending freakout in favor of taming his. “Lev,” I whisper calmly, pushing myself off the beanbag so that I can kneel down in front of him. “Lev, take a deep breath and look at me. It’s alright—Uri won’t be mad at you because I would never tell him what you told me.”
I keep repeating that until he starts to listen. He even lets me rest my hand on his knee. Little by little, the tremors ease.
When the rocking stops, I give him a smile. “You trust me, right?”
He offers me a tiny half-nod.
“I’ll take it.” I rub his calf gently. “Uri’s not gonna know a thing. This is our little secret.”