I stare at her as it feels like my world is crashing all around me at once. I had no idea she’d felt this way. I truly thought before Jason ruined the night that she was enjoying herself. Was it all pretend? Or was I just too blind to see that she wasn’t comfortable?
“What are you saying?” The feeling in my chest is the reason people never fall in love. It’s the reason I’ve never allowed myself to care about another human this way because it hurts too fucking much to put your heart in someone else’s hands and have them hand it back to you.
“I think reality finally caught up to us. Our lives are too different to make this work.”
My jaw clenches as I try to think about what to say to her. I’m angry. Angry at Jason. Angry at our circumstances. And angry at her for wanting to give up so easily.
“I love you.” My voice trembles, doing nothing to hide the vulnerability in it.
She sobs, streaks of black running down her face with tears. She’s silent. I’m used to her speaking her mind. Her silence is unnerving. Or maybe it’s the defeated look on her face. I’ve never told a woman I was in love with them. I’ve never been in love, but I didn’t imagine saying the words and having the woman who owns my heart look at me like she wished I’d never said them at all.
I take a deep breath, collecting my thoughts before speaking up. “I didn’t know love until I knew you. And I’m trying to figure it out because I want to do better—be better—for you. But I can’t do that if you won’t let me. There’s nothing I can say if you want to give up the second things get hard. But I do love you. I love you in a way that consumes me. You’re my every thought, every dream, my entire being. I love you so much that it fucking hurts you think I wouldn’t do anything, give up anything, to make us work.”
Her bottom lip trembles. I hate seeing it. I hate all of this. I want to go back to this morning when we woke up and were happy. When things didn’t feel like they were falling apart.
“I love you.” Her three words do something to calm my racing heart. I can figure anything out from here as long as I know she loves me. “And I’m scared.”
I nod, pulling her body into mine. She melts against me, her body molding to mine. I take in a deep breath, clutching the back of her head to my chest. I hold on to her for dear life, fearing if I let go for even a second, she’ll leave. “I’m fucking terrified,” I croak. “I’ve never felt like this. But please let me figure things out. Let us figure this out. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do to make you happy. To keep you. Jason won’t get Wake and Bake. I promise.”
She nods against my chest, her shoulders shaking as she weeps into my dress shirt. I hold her as she cries, her cheek pressed against my racing heart. People walk by us, probably finding us quite the show. I don’t pay any of them attention; all I do is clutch her to me, only letting go long enough to lead her into the back of the limo and take her home.
She doesn’t talk to me the entire ride home. After ten minutes of silence, no matter the questions I ask her, I resort to calling whoever I can. It doesn’t feel like we both confessed our love. Nothing feels happy, and I know the sinking feeling in my stomach was warranted when I wake up early in the morning and find her side of the bed empty. The only thing left in her place is a neatly folded note.
Camden,
I couldn’t sleep. Even after you stopped tossing and turning, I lay awake staring at the ceiling, a pit deep in my stomach as I thought about everything that is in jeopardy in Sutten.
As I felt hopeless about what to do, my mind went to you. To thoughts of you. To thoughts of us and what a life could look like between the two of us. I tried picturing myself here, in this world that you love, and I couldn’t do it. I’d never fit in here. And I don’t want to make you choose between this life and me. I know you don’t picture yourself in Sutten. If I’ve learned anything about you, it’s that Sutten will never have your heart like it has mine.
I want us to work. I stayed awake for hours trying to come up with a solution that doesn’t end up with both our hearts broken, and I came up with nothing.
I won’t allow you to choose me because to choose me would be to choose Sutten, and I know that isn’t a choice you can make. The people in your world are the very reason I might lose what’s most important to me in mine. I can’t ask for you to go against them and jeopardize everything you’ve worked hard for.
I’m sorry for leaving. But I’m weak and knew if I looked you in the eye, there’s no way I’d ever leave.