Katie looked up when we reached the counter, her yellow flowery Gossamer’s apron as bright and chipper as her personality. She was easily the nicest supervisor I’d ever had, one of the few managers who didn’t try and pull rank when it came time to clean the milk frother or handle obnoxious customers.
“Here on your night off?” she asked, clearly surprised to see me. Her surprise made sense. I rarely came here when I wasn’t working.
“I was in the neighborhood,” I lied. She didn’t need to know I was meeting Frederick at a place I worked because it would make me feel more empowered for the conversation we were about to have. And because I wanted witnesses, just in case I was wrong about him being a friendly vampire and this went south in a hurry.
Katie nodded, then asked, “Can I get you something?”
Frederick was already staring up at the chalkboard menu above Katie’s head, with an intensity one might use to translate ancient hieroglyphics. The menu listed nearly two dozen drinks in chalk pastel lettering, written in Katie’s flowery handwriting.
“We Are Bountiful,” Frederick read, as slowly and awkwardly as though the words were in a language he did not speak. “We Are . . . Soul Searching.” He turned to look at me, bewildered. “I thought you said this establishment served coffee.”
“It’s kind of a whole thing, the way we name things here.” Katie rolled her eyes. “The owner attended a wellness seminar in Marin County a few years ago. When she came back all the drinks had to have inspiring names.”
“They’re the same drinks you’d get anywhere, though,” I clarified. “So don’t let the names throw you.”
“The same drinks I’d get anywhere,” Frederick repeated.
“Right,” I said. “So just let me know if you want a translation.”
He seemed to consider that, and then turned to Katie. “I would like to purchase coffee.” He said the words slowly, carefully—and loudly. Like a stereotype of a stupid American trying to make himself understood in a different country to people who don’t speak English.
“Coffee?” Katie asked.
“Coffee,” Frederick confirmed, looking extremely pleased with himself. And then, as an afterthought, he added, “Please.”
Katie looked at him patiently. We got people in there all the time who were conscientious objectors to our owners’ naming system. She knew how to handle this.
“What kind of coffee?” she asked.
A beat. “Coffee,” Frederick replied.
“But what kind?” With a practiced motion, Katie pointed to the menu above her head. “We Are Sparkling is our light roast, We Are Exuberant is our dark roast, and We Are Vivacious is—”
At some point, more customers must have shown up, because a line of people had formed behind us. Frederick paid them no mind as he turned to me. “These names are ridiculous.”
“You still have to order something.”
“I never drink coffee, Cassie,” he reminded me, looking so affronted I had to bite the inside of my cheek to keep a giggle from escaping. “Maybe this wasn’t a good idea.”
“Just pick one,” I advised. “If you’re not going to drink it, it doesn’t matter what you order. Right?” I leaned in closer so the people behind us wouldn’t hear me and whispered, “It’s good practice for blending in.”
He tilted his head as he considered that. “You’re right.” He turned back to Katie. “I will have one—” He paused, looking up at the pastel lettering above her head, and grimaced. “I will have one We Are Vivacious.”
“One We Are Vivacious.” Katie pushed a button on the register. And then, with the patience she usually reserved for customers over the age of seventy-five—which, given the circumstances, was more appropriate than Katie realized—she asked, “What size would you like? Our We Are Vivacious comes in Moon, Supernova, and Galaxy sizes.”
This seemed to be Frederick’s limit.
“I recognize each of the words you just said as belonging to the English language,” he said, looking dazed. “When taken all together, however, none of what you just said makes any sense whatsoever.”
“Frederick—”
“A liquid expands to conform to the size and shape of the container it is placed in. Coffee does not have a size.”
Frederick’s voice was getting louder. The line behind us was now five customers deep. I turned around and noticed that some of them were whispering to one another and staring at him.