“Or he could be a total weirdo.”
“In that case, maybe you double back and reconsider your stance about Graham.”
That rubbed Claire the wrong way. “I don’t expect him to sit around and wait while I go out with other men.”
“Who says he’s waiting for you?” Reagan’s tone wasn’t harsh, but her words were still like a punch in the gut. “That doesn’t seem like him.”
Reagan was right: it wasn’t like the old Graham. But hadn’t he changed over these last few weeks? The emails seemed to suggest so, but what did Claire know?
“I’m not suggesting you go out with this guy to spite Graham, or even to compare them. Just a few weeks ago you were interested in meeting new people, so why not see it through with someone you’re supposedly compatible with? It might help clear things up for you. Help you figure out what you really want, you know?”
Claire looked down at her hands. “Maybe you’re right.”
“Of course I am.” Reagan stood and put her hands on her hips. “You know what else will clear your head? Alcohol.”
“I don’t think that’s how that works.”
Reagan laughed. “But it will temporarily make you feel better while simultaneously guaranteeing you’ll feel like shit tomorrow.”
“That’s more like it.”
“I say we go out and try to have a little fun.”
Claire scrunched her nose and glanced down at the comfortable clothes she wore. “I don’t know…”
“I was thinking we could go to that tapas bar. Have chips and salsa with margaritas?”
“You had to say chips, didn’t you?”
“What can I say? I know my roommate.”
“Okay, I’m in.”
Reagan clapped and danced out of the room, calling over her shoulder, “Be ready in ten!”
Claire released a heavy sigh and didn’t move. Her eye caught on her phone charging on the bedside table.
She grabbed it and opened the TrueChemistry app and found Matt was still active in her recent matches.
She selected his name, opened a new message, and started to type.
26
From: [email protected]
Subject: Do I hate you?
Claire,
How are you? Not gonna lie, I’ve been picturing you at least a little bit miserable. Maybe like, 25% miserable, 75% okay. Does that make me a jerk?
I’m more like 60/40 if that makes a difference, and I’d quickly shift to 80/20 if I thought you were out dancing and having fun every night and not thinking of me. Some of that’s the anger talking, but mostly it’s hurt. （Also, can we pause here and just acknowledge the things I’m saying right now? Apparently the emotion floodgates are open because I’ve just admitted to being miserable, angry, and hurt in the span of two paragraphs, something I haven’t done in more than two decades.）
For what it’s worth, I understand your choice. It doesn’t make it suck any less, because I don’t see myself coming back from this. Will I date other women? Sure, but the same way I dated women before I kissed you. I’ll never come close to giving another woman my heart.
Because even if you don’t want it, I’ll never get it back. It’s just following you around like a pathetic, lost puppy. Sort of like Gertrude that first week after I moved out. I really think she got attached to you.
We both did.
Anyway, sorry for going off topic. I was trying to say I don’t blame you, and that while I still love you, I hope you find what you’re looking for. I’ll never regret the time we had together, and I’m so fucking grateful for everything you did for me after I got hurt. Except for my parents, no one （and I mean NO ONE） has ever taken care of me like that. You made me feel special, somehow…that a woman like you would go out of her way to spend that much time with me. For a long time I didn’t feel like I was worth very much unless I was doing something that impressed or entertained people. But even in those quiet days and nights in my room when we talked about nothing important, you stayed.
It’s been four weeks since I’ve seen you. Don’t worry—your hair, eyes, and smile will be burned into my brain forever. But only seeing you in my memories and not in person is a certain kind of hell, and one I never thought I’d be in.
I don’t know where I’m going with this, but （1） I got in the habit of writing things down （thanks to you）， （2） I wanted to tell you how badly I want to hate you for how this turned out, but （3） I don’t hate you. I love you.