Reagan nodded slowly, her brows pinching together a little bit. “Yeah, I understand what you’re saying.”
Something about her expression gave Claire pause. “But?”
Squinting, Reagan scrunched her nose a little. “I don’t want this to come out wrong, so feel free to tell me to fuck off or that I have no idea what I’m talking about. It’s just…while I get you had this awful, traumatic experience and have every reason to be fearful, I also think maybe it’s unhealthy to let it rule your life like that. Being afraid of flying or avoiding air shows for the rest of your life? Yep, get that. No question. But projecting that fear onto anyone you care about who wants to do anything with the slightest risk? I’m not sure that’s fair. To them or to you.”
Claire processed that for a moment, trying to repel her knee-jerk defensive reaction. “I don’t think I project it on everyone I care about. And I don’t expect Graham or anyone else to stop doing things they love because of my issues. I’m just saying those things affect who I choose to commit and start a family with. Is that so wrong? Don’t we all have nonnegotiables when it comes to searching for a partner?”
“Sure. I’ve always said I’d never marry someone who eats meat. I feel strongly about the reasons I’ve chosen to live a vegan lifestyle and I want to find someone who shares those beliefs. But can I promise with one hundred percent certainty that if the right man came along who happened to be a carnivore, I’d turn him down?” She shook her head. “Sometimes love likes to mess with us and remind us we’re not the ones in control.”
Claire frowned. “Love sounds like an asshole.”
“Sometimes it is.”
“From the very start I said I wouldn’t marry Graham and I never said otherwise. Our feelings may have changed during the course of the last month, but that doesn’t mean my decision did. All I’m doing is standing by what I’ve said all along. Is that so awful? Am I the most selfish person in the world?”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” Reagan said. “When someone falls in love with you, you’re not obligated to respond in a certain way. It sucks to know you hurt someone, but you have to do what you think is right. I’m not saying you should be with Graham to appease him—even if he took a huge step out of his comfort zone. I’m just worried about you. You seem pretty miserable. Are you sure this is what you want?”
She was miserable.
But continuing on the path she and Graham were headed down could foster a whole different kind of misery. One she’d lived through and never wanted to experience again.
A tiny voice in the back of her mind hinted it was too late. Relationship or not, Graham was the most important person in her life and she was already invested in his well-being and happiness.
“I don’t know,” Claire admitted, tucking her legs up against her chest. “I think so?”
Reagan cocked a single eyebrow.
Claire groaned. “Why couldn’t I have just met another guy sooner? I joined a dating app and everything. Maybe if I’d found someone nice this never would have happened.”
“You’d rather the last few weeks with Graham never happened?”
Damn Reagan and her shrewd questions. She was as bad as Mia.
“No.” She’d always remember them. “Sure would have made things easier, though.”
Reagan stretched her legs out and leaned forward to grab her toes. “A dating app, huh? Which one?”
“TrueChemistry.”
“Didn’t find anyone worth meeting?”
“There was one, but it was a disaster. And there was a dentist that looked promising, but I never sent him a message.”
“Why not?”
Claire shrugged. “We matched right before Graham and I went to visit his parents. I told myself I’d do it after we got back, but I didn’t. I let myself fall into my feelings with Graham, knowing it was a terrible idea. Seriously, I’m so messed up.”
“You fell for someone you promised yourself you wouldn’t fall for. This is the kind of stuff TV shows live for.”
“It’s like a daytime soap opera up in here,” Claire said, pointing to her heart.
Reagan shuddered. “Ugh. I always hated those.”
“Me, too. Now I know why.”
After a few seconds of silence, Reagan said, “Why don’t you message the dentist and just see what happens? It might help to take your mind off Graham for a little while, and maybe this new guy is exactly what you’ve been looking for.”