“Please. Do I strike you as a guy who would give a win away?”
Not to anyone else, but to me, yes.
“I think you would always give me the win.” I reached for his hand and squeezed it.
This mix of fear and hope weighed heavy on my heart.
And it wasn’t fear of all the things that I should be nervous about at the moment. That my test results could possibly mean the cancer was back.
That I would need to do rounds of chemo again.
Another year of pure hell.
No. My fear was that I couldn’t have this fairy tale that we were currently living. That it wouldn’t last.
That he’d leave, and we’d go back to just being friends again.
That nothing else would ever measure up to this.
To us.
“Well, since we’re talking about things, there is another theory that has dawned on me over these last few months—hell, maybe over the last year since you’ve been gone.”
“What’s that?” I asked as I pulled off my hat because the heat from the fire was warming me up. Or maybe it was the heat from this man.
“Maybe the real reason that I’ve never had a serious relationship is because the only girl I’d ever wanted was always taken. We’d friend-zoned one another, and I never found anyone that compared to you. But these last few months, Miney, they’ve changed me.”
My bottom lip quivered. “Finn, you can’t say things like that to me.”
He tugged me closer. “It’s the truth.”
“Please don’t make promises that you might not be able to keep,” I said as a tear ran down my face. “I don’t want to hope for something that could change the minute you’re gone. I couldn’t take it, okay?”
“What are you so afraid of?” he asked, his voice harder now than I’d ever heard it.
“I thought my heart had broken when Carl and I ended, but I was wrong. It was beating just fine after everything went down. But this, you and me…” I motioned my hand between us. “This would break me.”
I shook my head and used the back of my hand to swipe at my tears.
“You’ve got to trust me, Reese. I’d never hurt you.”
“I know that. That’s part of what scares me. You’d suffer because you were afraid to hurt me. That’s why I just want you to go and see how you feel. We’ve been in this bubble together for the last few months, but that’s not realistic. You need to be out there, doing your thing, Finn. I’ll be here. I’m not going anywhere.”
The thought of ever being an obligation to this man would be the worst thing that could ever happen to me.
But the thought of being the one he wanted, the way that I wanted him, would be the best thing that could ever happen to me.
And I was afraid to hope for that because I’d seen the other side when things don’t work out. When you’re twenty years old and sitting at an oncology center on New Year’s Eve, getting a chemo treatment.
Life wasn’t always fair. So, the best you could do was prepare yourself for what might be coming.
“Why is it so hard to believe that you’re it for me?” He ran the pad of his calloused thumb over my bottom lip.
“I don’t know. Maybe things feel too good right now. Maybe being ridiculously happy terrifies me.” I sniffed.
“You’ll see.” He smiled that charming grin that stole the air from my lungs. “But I still think you should stay at my house when I leave. I like the idea of you being there.”
“I’ll tell you what,” I said before taking a long pull of my bubbly water. “If you come back from Tokyo and you still feel like this after that time apart, I’ll move back in.”
“Deal. Don’t unpack.”
“So cocky,” I said as he handed me another cracker with jam and cheese on this one, and I took a bite and groaned. “This is so good.”
“You can’t talk about my cock and then groan and say that the cracker is good.” His tongue swiped back and forth along his bottom lip.
“I said you were cocky.” I chuckled.
“I heard you. I’ll show you cocky later when I put those chaps on for you and let you ride me in nothing but your cowboy hat and boots.”
“Don’t threaten me with a good time,” I teased.
“I never would.” He popped a raspberry into his mouth. “So, tell me about the business. It’s growing quicker than you expected. Do you think you should bring on some help?”
I thought it over. “Yeah, at some point. But the beginning is all about grinding, right? I’m starting a business. I need to put everything I make back into it for right now.”