Ari: so you’re saying she’s more employed than you are.
You should see my date
Dates
Josh: What?
Ari: Last minute thing with a couple I matched with
Josh: A couple?
Ari: He’s got a beard, she has a nose ring
They live in Red Hook
Stop me if you think you’ve heard this one before
Josh: Dating one person is too much intimacy for you but two people is no problem?
Ari: they’re looking for a unicorn
they have each other for the intimacy stuff
I bet they’ll cuddle with each other afterward and won’t want me to spend the night
Jackpot!
I can’t believe this didn’t occur to me earlier
8:59 p.m.
Josh: Oh great. Her suggestion for a second date is a halotherapy salt room.
She says I need to cleanse my respiratory tract.
Ari: Is she into women?
Where are you btw
Josh: An oyster bar “partially owned by Zach Braff.”
She brought her own food.
Where are you?
Ari: Burp Castle
b/c apparently men need to prove that they enjoy obscure beer or it’s not a real date
Josh: I like that place. It’s quiet. You can bring a book.
Ari: you WOULD like a bar where the employees dress like monks and shush the customers
Cute bartender tho. He has the aura of a quieter Jason Mantzoukas
God. now there’s a great voice
9:07 p.m.
Josh: Her practice is rooted in a “mind-body-soul perspective.”
I need to leave.
Ari: Use your Plato material!
She’ll love it
Josh: You’re really going to sleep with a couple?
What if this affects their marriage?
Ari: they messaged ME!
Clearly you haven’t experienced an extra set of hands
9:16 p.m.
Ari: Oh no
Oh god
the guy’s real passion iS hOstINg TrivIA niGHtS
Josh: Fuck.
Ari: it just so happens he’s hosting trivia tonight
At the pub 3 blocks away
I’m being nonconned into attending trivia
9:37 p.m.
Ari: oh goddddd he thinks he’s funny. He’s doing bits
Why do people think this is a back door into stand-up? WHY
how does his wife put up with this???
Josh: Maybe he’s one of those men who go down on a woman for more than three minutes with the right amount of enthusiasm.
Ari: doubtful
9:41 p.m.
Ari: Did you know Rembrandt’s first name was Rembrandt??
Josh: Everybody knows that.
Ari: Rembrandt Rembrandt??
I went outside for a cigarette.
Josh: You don’t smoke.
Van Rijn. Rembrandt van Rijn.
Ari: I assumed he was like cher
ok i’m making a run for it
I’ve taken enough shit from men in actual comedy. I draw the line here
9:52 p.m.
Josh: Well, mine’s over.
Maybe seeing her in something other than Lululemon was off-putting.
10:02 p.m.
Josh: Want to meet up? Debrief?
10:12 p.m.
Josh: Hello?
Sun, Dec 11, 1:25 a.m.
Ari: sorry, phone died just coming back from Brooklyn
Josh: You went back to their apartment?
Ari: Nope. Went back to Burp Castle
Wound up at the bartender’s place with him and his wife
and uh…he does NOT whisper at home
1:29 a.m.
Josh: I thought you could “barely handle the emotional intimacy of sexting.”
Ari: We didn’t exactly bare our souls
Sun, Dec 12, 1:31 a.m.
Josh: I’ll meet one of your catfishing victims.
Briar: Excellent!
I’ll reopen communication with Maddie on Raya tomorrow morning.
It’ll seem less desperate.
She has New Year’s Eve potential!
* * *
—
JOSH STARES DOWN AT HIS wineglass, which has a fingerprint smudge on the base of the stem that he desperately wants to wipe off. It’s a respite from making prolonged eye contact with Maddie, a self-professed “food influencer, but not obnoxious about it” who’s monologuing about the YouTube chefs she finds “most fuckable.”
His mind wanders, cataloguing the Smith’s décor clichés—Edison bulbs, wood paneled ceilings, subway tile walls. It’s a copy of a copy of a New York bistro. Of course this fucking chain thrives, while his thoughtful, unique venture went down in flames.
Thur, Dec 15, 8:23 p.m.
Ari: sup
i’m playing beer bong w/ gabe in hell’s kitchen and I’m bored
where are you
Josh: I’m on a date.
The Smith on 63rd.
Ari: ooh nearby…
Josh: 27,000 restaurants in this city and a “foodie” chooses the Smith?