Ethan bangs on the window beside me, frowning at me, and it’s like looking in a mirror that ages you. “Hurry up,” he says impatiently. “We’re waiting for you.”
My first thought is should I start the truck and drive away. I’ve wanted my dad to change for so long that I’m scared to start things. Anxiety is rumbling through me like a storm, but I’m trying to tell myself that things can’t get worse. I wanted change, it might be happening.
Ethan doesn’t wait for me to respond before walking back into the house and I slowly climb out, walking toward the house. I’ve never liked this house and it’s never felt like home. My parent’s sold my childhood home to buy this smaller one in a worse area, telling everyone they were downsizing after Ethan moved out and I was preparing for college.
In reality, they took the equity to pay off dad’s gambling debts, which led him to just start the borrowing process all over again. I feel like a stranger walking into the house, even though my face lines the walls.
Everyone is sitting in the living room and there’s a tension in the air, which isn’t exactly unusual for my family. Mom is the first one to act, by standing and giving me a tight hug. “Hi, Mom.”
“I’ve missed you so much,” she says, sounding like she’s tearing up. “Take a seat. I’m so glad you’re here.”
“We’ll let you two talk,” Ethan says, moving to usher Mom out of the room with him.
“Wait, what?” My heart starts to thud. I was told we’re having a family discussion, not me and Dad one-on-one. “This isn’t what you said, Ethan.”
He ignores me and my first instinct is to get up and leave. Dad looks better than he did a couple of weeks ago when I last saw him. The bags around his eyes are no longer dark, his face is less gaunt, I can see his things scattered around the living room. “Have you moved back in?”
He nods. “I’m sleeping in the guest bedroom. I was staying in a motel, checking in with your mom each day. We’ve talked a lot. I feel like all I do is talk at the minute but it’s good. I’m glad to clear the air and work on getting better.”
“I don’t know what make amends means, Dad. I’ve read about it and heard about it but I don’t know what it means for us.”
“I want to start by saying sorry, Russ.” I don’t say anything. I can’t say anything because I’m scared of opening my mouth. “And I want to say thank you.”
I can’t hide it, the thank you has caught me off guard. I’m so used to my dad pushing the blame onto everyone but himself. There was always a reason he was in a bad mood or was having a bad day and it revolved around how we all weren’t doing good enough.
“That day in the hospital when you told me how I made you feel, I thought that was my rock bottom, but it wasn’t because I didn’t change. I was humiliated that I’d made my own son believe vile things about himself—and why wouldn’t you? I’d been living for myself for years, not caring about anything or anyone. But I still didn’t change.”
“But why? Why wasn’t that enough?”
“Because I had further to fall. And I did, until your mom kicked me out and I truly hit rock bottom. I didn’t want to admit I had an issue. It’s easy to hide a gambling addiction because there’s no physical signs. It’s not drugs or alcohol, nobody sees what’s going on. You convince yourself it doesn’t affect anybody but you.” He leans against his knees, his hands shaking as he holds them together. “But that was my turning point. From there things started to get better. I don’t want to be someone you hate, Russ. I don’t want to be someone who hurts you.”
“You’re an expert at lying, Dad. Why should I believe you’re not just dragging us all along for you not to change?”
“Because pride stopped me getting help before. When I was gambling, I was always a bad loser, but I stayed optimistic the next bet would be the right one. I’m taking that optimism and I’m applying it to my recovery.”
“When you were gambling?”
He nods, rubbing at the back of his neck, a habit I’ve never noticed him do before. “I haven’t put on a bet since I saw you at your camp. I know it’s not long, but it’s the longest I’ve gone in fifteen years. I’ve been attending Gamblers Anonymous meetings and I’m going to be starting counseling to try and process some things I need to.”