I’m overwhelmed with information and it all still feels too good to be true. I know what a big deal this is and I know I’m supposed to be happy, but there’s a small nagging feeling in my brain that tells me not to get my hopes up and to continue to hold him at a distance.
“Do you have any questions to ask me?” he says.
I have millions but none of them come to mind. “No.”
“You must have some.”
We sit in silence for a full minute and I try to think of what I want to ask him. I’ve spent so many years trying not to engage with him that I can’t remember how to do it now. It’s like trying to use a muscle you haven’t used in a really long time. “I don’t.”
“Well if you think of any you can ask me any time. Part of my recovery is to make amends with the people I’ve hurt through my addiction and I know I’ve hurt you. At GA they say the best form of apology is changed behavior and I hope over time you’ll see me become someone you want to be around again.”
“I hope so too.”
“Your brother put me in touch with a debt charity and they’re giving me advice on how to get my finances in order. I’ve been hiding things from your mother for a really long time. I want to pay back the money I took from you.”
“I don’t care about the money,” I say instantly.
“That may be so, but it’s your money and I never should have asked you for it in the first place. It was wrong of me and it shows you’re a good person to be so generous.”
I wonder if I hit my head and I’m hallucinating. Before I’d mentally checked out of my family drama, when things were really bad, I used to have pretend conversations in my head with my dad. I’d practice what I’d say, how he’d react and then by the end of it, he’d be better again.
“I want to be part of this family again, Russ. I know it’s my fault I’m not and I know it’s my fault you don’t feel welcome around here, but I hope over time, you can trust me enough to see I really do want to get better.”
“I’m glad you’re getting help, Dad. I truly hope it works.”
I have too many thoughts in my head.
After our heart-to-heart, Mom insisted on us all having lunch together. I cannot remember the last time we sat down as a family to eat. Thankfully, Ethan talking about his band’s new record deal manages to take up the majority of the conversation, leaving me free to listen and observe.
Ethan doesn’t bring up speaking to Aurora on the phone, which I’m grateful for. She feels too precious to risk bringing her into this environment. I know she’s strong and resilient, but I want to look after her and, given the situation with her own dad, she doesn’t need to be made to get to know mine.
If her dad was to make strides to improve like mine is trying to, she’d be first in line to give him another chance. Yesterday marked the first time she told him how she felt, much like me in that hospital room all those weeks ago. I hope it sparks the same kind of reaction I’ve gotten.
Ethan walks me back to my truck in silence after lunch. His eyes are red and glazed and he’s thinner than he was the last time I saw him, in an unhealthy way. If I had to guess, I’d say he’s high. “Are you okay?”
“Worry about yourself, little brother,” he says, opening the truck door for me.
“You look strung out, Ethan.” I’ve never seen him smoke a cigarette, never mind take drugs. “What’s going on with you?”
“Nothing,” he says, rubbing his jaw with his hand. “You wouldn’t understand anyway.”
“Try me.”
He ignores me, diverting the conversation. “You good? You have everything you need for school? I’ve got some money heading my way with this deal so, y’know, I can help out more now.”
“I have everything I need,” I say, closing the door and winding down the window. “But thanks.”
“This is what I’ve been working so hard for, this deal. All the shows, all the traveling. We’re gonna fix everything. Money buys resources, Russ. Things will be good again real soon,” he says.
“Bye, Ethan.” He pats the side of the truck before heading back toward the house and I make a mental note to call him to check in soon.
Letting myself into the house, I find Aurora in the backyard huffing over some fabric on the ground. “What’re you doing?”
She squeals and jumps around. “Oh my goodness, announce yourself before you sneak up on a girl. I nearly had a heart attack.”