This woman could be completely bullshitting me, but in this moment, I choose to believe that what she’s saying is true.
I take his hand in mine and give it a squeeze. I remember when his hands used to seem as big as baseball gloves. He’d cradle me in them and lift me onto his shoulders when we went to the beach and my legs got tired from trudging through the sand. My mother would always insist that he put me down before he pulled a muscle, but Dad never listened.
One day, she’ll want nothing to do with me, Silvia, he would say to her. And then I’ll have wished I carried her more.
I don’t remember the day I stopped letting him carry me. I’m not sure of the exact time in which I didn’t want anything to do with him either. I just know that he was right.
Before the nurse leaves to check on another patient, she tells me that Dr. Vance will call him back for surgery soon, but I can stay with him until then. She closes the door behind her, and I suddenly become aware of all the machines connected to my father. I take some comfort in knowing that they’re making sure my dad is OK. The beeps from all the different machines fill the room like the chirps of crickets on a balmy summer night. The soft shuffling of doctors and nurses outside the room going about their work as usual mimics the comforting din of the ocean tide. If I closed my eyes, I could probably fall asleep in this chair, holding his hand.
“I went through a lot of shit to get here tonight, Dad. Literally. Don’t be surprised if the Donaldsons ask you to resod their front lawn.”
I’m nervous. My dad isn’t even awake and I’m still not sure what to say. Why is this so hard? Why can’t it just be easy for once? All I could think about was how important it was for me to be here—to not leave the hospital—and now that I’m here, I feel like I’m wasting this opportunity to be real with my dad with zero risk of rejection. Something inside me is still worried I might disappoint him. My head knows it’s not possible—it’s not like he’s in a position to keep score and rate everyone’s performances—but my inner child isn’t exactly on board yet.
I close my eyes and try to center myself. Smith’s words from earlier poke at the back of my brain. They can’t be disappointed by someone they don’t really know. Maybe now isn’t the moment to try to right every wrong or make up for lost time. Maybe now is the time to just say what I feel.
“I love you, Dad,” I whisper. “And I know you love me.”
When Dr. Vance’s team arrives to take him into surgery, I give him one last kiss on the forehead and whisper Nana Rosie’s new rule about doughnuts. I can’t say for certain, but I think he might’ve smiled.
His surgery lasts an hour longer than expected, but as Nana Rosie predicted, he comes out of it fine.
Chapter 23
We decide to take shifts after my father pulls through surgery. It’ll be hours before he can have visitors again, but my mother hates the idea of him waking up without anyone there. Martin agrees to take the first shift. He has work to do, informing the company of my father’s health and making sure that everything continues to run as seamlessly as possible, so he says he doesn’t mind staying at the hospital.
My mother and Nana Rosie are exhausted. We all are. Martin insists that we go home to get some sleep, and for the first time in family history, everyone agrees. I’m asleep within seconds of my head hitting my pillow.
“I think I’ll be able to get out of our lease.” Falon breezes through the kitchen, where Phoebe and I are making lunch, with her wet hair twisted up in a towel. “We’ll probably lose our deposit, but in the grand scheme of things, that’s not such a big deal.”
“Why are you getting out of your lease?” I cut a thick slice of leftover turkey and place it on top of a heap of mashed potatoes. They look at each other and then to me, as if trying to communicate telepathically about how honest they want to be. “What? Just say it.”
“Mom and Dad are going to need help, Penny,” Phoebe says.
“Dr. Vance said that Dad would be fine,” I say. “He’s on the road to recovery.”
“Right.” Phoebe nods. “But that road isn’t a residential street. It’s more like an interstate. There’s no guarantee he won’t have complications or other hiccups.”
“Penny, I talked to Dr. Vance after I did a little research,” Falon says. “Your dad is going to have to make some big lifestyle changes. Both of your parents will. Your dad needs to cut back at work. He needs to improve his diet. He might even need to do a little physical therapy. He banged his leg up pretty good when he fell.”