I want to stay in this space where we are both focused only on how I’ll make it up to him. Unfortunately, I can’t.
I take a deep breath. “I have a favor to ask.”
“Will I have phone sex with you? Absolutely. To be honest, I’m already halfway there.”
I laugh. “It’s a favor for one of my kids.”
“That’s less sexy.” He sighs. “I guess I’ll leave my pants on.”
He’s still joking, but his voice is stiffer, less friendly. If it were only about me, I’d drop the subject, but it’s not. There’s nothing I won’t do for Henry, and if it means alienating Caleb…I’ll do that too. “Henry wants to build this robotic arm with you for a show at school.” And it’s so unlike him, being willing to branch out. It could change everything if he had this one success.
“You can’t build it with him?”
I take a quick breath. It’s unreasonable to expect him to care about my kids the way I do, but I can’t help but wish he did anyway. “I looked at the directions and it’s beyond me.”
He’s very quiet. “I don’t know, Lucie,” he finally says. “It’s just…this is a busy time for me.”
Every bone in my body wants to let the conversation drop. Because he did tell me he wouldn’t have a lot of time, that he wanted to ease in. I’m the one trying to change things. But I can already picture Henry, showing off this amazing project, learning the world can love him as much as I do if he lets them in.
“I’m not asking for anything you weren’t already doing before,” I say quietly. “Why is it suddenly a problem?”
He’s quiet. I brace myself for what’s coming. If something this small would lead him to end things, it’s probably for the best that we quit while we’re ahead…but my stomach drops anyway.
“Because you’ll expect it, and they’ll expect it,” he finally says. “And I’ll fucking disappoint all of you.”
“Okay,” I reply, my stomach churning.
I understand his reluctance. I understand not wanting to promise things to a kid and at this stage in our relationship, he probably wouldn’t even have met my kids yet, under normal circumstances. The problem isn’t that he’s hesitant to be a part of our lives—it’s that he’s more hesitant than he was before.
When I was with Jeremy, there were a thousand times I asked for things on behalf of the twins—please come to their play, please come home on Halloween, please make it back in time for their birthday party—and when he ignored me, what choice did I have? Leaving him wouldn’t solve the problem. It would just create a series of new ones.
This time, I have a choice. And if Caleb continues to not be what we need, I’m going to have to make that choice—no matter how much it hurts.
ON MONDAY NIGHT, Jeremy texts me to confirm the twins’ homework has been done. I can’t imagine why he’s suddenly interested, but the demanding way he asks—as if I’m some lowly employee—irritates me. The question alone irritates me, given how little involvement he’s had. When I don’t answer immediately, he calls Sophie’s iPad and proceeds to grill her about projects and what they’re learning…and then he asks to speak to me.
“Why didn’t you read them the horse book Sophie got from the library yesterday?” he demands. “She was supposed to discuss it today.”
I’m tempted to hang up. He didn’t care for six years, but he suddenly cares now? “Because she never told me I was supposed to read it to her,” I snap. “I’m not psychic, Jeremy. If they don’t tell me and the school doesn’t either, I don’t know.”
“You were also late on May third and didn’t send them in with the posterboard they needed last week.”
My jaw falls and my hands start to shake—with anger, with shock. Jeremy is compiling a list of every minor failing to make me look like a bad parent and the school is helping him do it.
“Are you fucking kidding me?” I hiss, glancing over my shoulder to make sure the kids are out of hearing distance. “I’m essentially a single parent, Jeremy. Shit’s gonna fall through the cracks occasionally. You’d realize that if you’d ever lifted a fucking finger.”
“Why are you so angry, Lucie?” he asks. “You don’t sound like yourself.”
I slap a hand to my forehead. “Because…” And then I stop. This is ridiculous. The twins need me to help them with their history posters and they still need baths and I’m just not doing this with Jeremy tonight. “I don’t have time for this shit,” I tell him, hanging up the phone.