I picked up a glass of champagne that the waiter had filled while I was speaking. I could drink now at least—just not to the point where I did anything stupid.
Alex slid into his seat at the table, across from me, once the salads were in place. He mostly talked to Claire’s husband, Alan, but finally, over the main course, he glanced in my direction.
I froze. Part of me wanted to shout how I felt across the table. Part of me wanted to crawl under the table and hide.
He held my gaze for what felt like several minutes, making noncommittal responses to Alan until he eventually looked away.
It was something though. And enough to give me a quick sense of hope.
Megan and Tim were invited to the dance floor by the bandleader, and we all watched from the darkened room as they did their choreographed routine in the spotlight. As they twirled around the floor, I sat there trying to work up my courage. When the bandleader invited the rest of the guests to join them on the dance floor, I saw Mark turn to me from the corner of my eye, but I got up and ran around the table to Alex.
“Can we talk?” I asked.
“Now?”
“Yes. Or I’ll lose my nerve.”
He sighed, but he pushed his chair back from the table and stood, offering me his hand. I looked at him in surprise. “It’ll look bad if we leave the room. It will be better if we dance.” I nodded and took his hand, then followed him onto the dance floor.
We stayed near the fringe, where the music was quieter, his arm loose around my waist. He remained silent.
“Please say something,” I said finally.
“You were the one who wanted to talk.”
I nodded and took a deep breath. “I miss you. So much.” He didn’t respond. “I—know what I did was awful, but—you were married before. It’s not like either of us has a clean slate.”
He started. “You’re comparing me being divorced to you sleeping with Justin? And you think that’s why I’m mad at you?”
“Isn’t it?”
“Well—yes. You could have had me—at any time—and you picked him of all people?”
“I didn’t know I could have had you. I didn’t want him. I was drunk and stupid and—” I trailed off.
He looked at me in disbelief, but took a moment to respond. “I’m more upset you didn’t tell me. I wouldn’t have cared—well, I would have cared, but I could have gotten over it if you had told me. But you decided it was a death sentence without giving me the chance to make my own decision and then told the whole world about it instead.”
“I—Megan told me I couldn’t—after Justin—”
“And that was why we couldn’t be together? If Megan told you to jump off a bridge, would you do it?”
“Probably, yes.”
“Fine,” he said, steering me toward the center of the dance floor. “Let’s ask her.”
“If I should jump off a bridge?” He fixed me with a withering look.
When we reached the newlyweds, Megan had her cheek against Tim’s, but Alex got us close enough for her to hear. He called her name and she opened her eyes. “Can I date Lily?”
“Do you want to?” she asked. Tim turned to look at us.
“I didn’t say that. I’m just asking if you care.”
“It’s your funeral,” she said with a shrug.
I gave her a dirty look. She smiled wickedly and blew me a kiss, then pressed her cheek back to Tim’s.
We made our way back to the edge of the dance floor. “See why it’s not smart to make assumptions about how other people are going to react?” he asked.
“I’m sorry. I should have told you—I should have told you so much earlier and let you decide if you still liked me.”
“When did it happen?”
“What?”
“When did you sleep with him?”
“Why? What does it matter now?”
“Do you want me to try to move past this?”
With all my heart, I thought. “Yes.”
“Then I get to know when it happened so I can decide if I can actually get past it or not. If it was the night of Amy’s party, I’m out of here.”
“You can’t think that I—from you to him?”
His face was still stony. “You tell me.”
I looked into his eyes plaintively, but he wasn’t budging. “I don’t even remember it,” I confessed finally. “It was the night of Megan and Tim’s engagement party, and I had just gotten the call from my sister that she was engaged too, and I got so drunk and I—well, the next thing I remember was waking up in the hotel room next to him.”