Still seemed like an unnecessary risk. But then again, I also knew there was no point trying to tell Raihn to avoid the sun.
I scooted backward, so I was sitting beside him. He squinted out over the horizon, taking in the same view of Sivrinaj that I’d just been admiring.
“Looks small from out here,” he murmured.
I nodded.
“The first time I saw Sivrinaj,” he said, “it was when I was dragging myself out of the ocean. I thought I’d crossed into another world. Even the biggest cities I’d been to were nothing like this. I thought, Thank the fucking gods. I’m saved.”
I shuddered a little. Raihn, of course, had not been saved. He’d been walking into his own prison.
It was hard to imagine that version of him. The sailor from nowhere, who had never seen anything as grand as Sivrinaj’s castle. Just a broken, frightened human man who didn’t want to die.
I could remember so clearly the way Raihn’s voice had cracked when he’d told me this story the first time.
He asked me if I wanted to live, he had told me. What the hell kind of a question was that? Of course I wanted to live.
“Do you wish you’d said no?” I murmured.
I didn’t even need to specify what I was talking about.
He took a long time to respond.
“I cursed myself for that answer,” he said at last, “for a long, long time. Death would have been better than those next seventy years. But… maybe there’s something to be said for the years that came after that.” His eyes flicked to me, crinkling slightly with an almost-smile. “Maybe even the years that come after this one.”
The corner of my mouth twitched. His brow flattened.
“What’s that face for?”
“Nothing. It’s just… a very optimistic thing for you to say.”
He threw his hands up. “Well fuck, if we can’t be even a little optimistic, what are we doing any of this for?”
It was, I had to admit, a fair point.
“So you think we can do this,” I said, my gaze slipping back to the city. “Tomorrow.”
Optimism wasn’t exactly what I got from his long silence.
“We’d better,” he said.
“It’s just quiet,” I said. “It’s…”
“Unnerving.”
Yes. Unnaturally quiet, even for the daytime. I would have expected to see more activity visible in Sivrinaj. More barricades, maybe, or more troops stationed beyond the boundaries of the city. But even when we had arrived here, at dawn, it had been still.
“They’re bracing for us,” Jesmine had said. “They don’t have enough men. They need to use what they can to keep the inner city safe, not run out and meet us out here, leaving their other sides exposed.”
Logically, that made sense. Vale had agreed. Still… something about it made the hairs stand up on the back of my neck.
“You’d better not be going soft on me, princess,” Raihn said, nudging my shoulder. “What, you’re scared? You? The steel-nerved Hiaj queen?”
I glared at him, and he chuckled.
“That’s better.”
“I’m not scared. I’m just…”
I looked back at the city. Then at him. Then at the city.
Alright. Maybe I was scared.
I settled on, “I feel the way I felt before the last trial.”
Not afraid, exactly. Not afraid for myself, at least. I wasn’t afraid of a sword through my own gut. But I was afraid of letting my kingdom fall. I was afraid of all I could lose.
I glanced back to Raihn, his face now serious as he gazed out over the skyline, pink sunset light outlining his profile, and suddenly, that fear cut even deeper.
His eyes flicked to mine, and I saw that fear reflected back at me, like a mirror to my own. It stirred a complicated knot of emotions in my stomach, words that I didn’t know how to untangle.
He swept a stray strand of hair behind my ear.
“I always admired that about you,” he said. “That you fought even when you were afraid. Don’t you dare stop now. No matter what happens.”
I gave him a wry smile. “You said that then, too.”
Don’t you dare stop fighting, princess. It would break my damned heart.
“I remember. And it did break my heart when you stopped.”
I didn’t know what to say to that. I settled on, “Well. At least we’re fighting now.”
A faint laugh. “We sure fucking are.”
“It will be enough.” I hoped it didn’t sound like I was reassuring myself, even though I was. “A show of strength. That’s all they respond to.”