Mische said softly, “You don’t have to be fine.”
She said it so simply. Like it was just a truth, nothing to be judged or disagreed with. I knew that she believed it, and in this moment, I loved her fiercely for that.
Even if I couldn’t bring myself to.
I had a kingdom relying on me, and a crown waiting for me, and people who needed me to become something better than this immediately.
And what had I done? Lodged a single failed attack? Found a pretty little necklace I couldn’t figure out how to use?
“Oraya…”
Mische touched my shoulder. I didn’t turn—I couldn’t show her my face. Perhaps she knew this, because she didn’t try to make me, only offering me that one touch—so light I could move away if I wanted to.
“Magic is like… a living thing,” she murmured. “I guess it makes sense that it comes from the gods, because it’s just as fickle and temperamental as they are. Yours feeds on your emotion. It makes you reach into things that are… hard right now. But one day, the things that are the most painful are going to be sources of strength.”
I glanced down, at Mische’s hand on my shoulder and the several inches of her wrist visible beneath her sleeve. The scars covered nearly all her exposed skin.
Had they been that bad before? Or had she just been incessantly trying, and failing, to use her magic ever since her god abandoned her?
Maybe my profile revealed the question I didn’t ask, because she removed her hand and pulled her sleeve down as I finally turned to face her.
“Don’t think I don’t understand what it feels like to—to lose something,” she said.
When I’d first met Mische, it might have been easy to dismiss her as some pretty, vapid thing. But every so often, I glimpsed something so much harder under the surface. Now, that shadow passed over her face. A glint of blade-sharp steel hidden in the flower garden.
“Can I ask you a question?” I said.
She hesitated. Then nodded.
“What was it like to Turn?”
Her face darkened.
“It was hard,” she said. “I would have died if Raihn hadn’t found me.”
“He saved you.”
That shadow parted, just enough to let a little sad smile slip through. “Mhm. He saved me. I don’t really remember it. One minute I’m very sick in the middle of the desert, and I’m—” Her expression shuttered, and she cut herself off. “Then I’m waking up in some shitty inn with a giant, grumpy stranger. That, let me tell you, was a hell of a confusing moment.”
I could imagine.
“You were a priestess,” I said carefully. “Right?”
The smile faded. She tugged at her sleeve again and didn’t say anything for a long, long moment.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “That was—”
“No. No, it’s fine.” She shook her head, as if pulling herself from her haze. “Yes. I was. A priestess of Atroxus. It’s just… it’s hard for me to talk about, sometimes.” She gave me another weak smile. “Hypocritical of me, right?”
“No,” I said. “It isn’t.”
“Magic is… I know some people think it’s just another discipline, but I think it lives close to our hearts. I think it draws right from our souls. Mine has always been close to me. And I—” Her jaw snapped closed, eyes shining.
“It’s alright,” I said quickly. “I shouldn’t have asked.”
It was downright painful to see Mische on the verge of tears.
But she laughed and wiped her face with the back of her hand.
“This is what I mean, Oraya,” she said. “We’ve all got our reckoning. My Turning wasn’t my choice, and it broke me. Raihn’s was his, and maybe it broke him even more. Maybe the others don’t let you see the shards. Maybe they don’t show you the things they mourn. Doesn’t mean it’s not there. Doesn’t mean they don’t feel it. And your father—”
Her face went serious now, fiery-fierce. Her hand fell to mine, clutching tight. “Your father, Oraya, felt all those things, too. He was just as broken as the rest of us, and he was so determined not to acknowledge it that he flayed you with those sharp edges and then berated you for having skin instead of steel.”
My throat was tight. Grief and fury surged up it before I could stop myself.
“Don’t talk about him that way,” I said. But my words were weak and pleading.
Mische just looked at me sadly. “You and Raihn are always trying to be like them,” she said. “I don’t understand it. You’re better than him. Don’t forget that, Oraya. Embrace it.”