Atmosphere(94)

Joan shook her head and turned to see that Vanessa had caught the whole interaction. Vanessa raised her eyebrows and shrugged. Joan laughed.

When it got to be late, and it was time to go, Joan found Donna in Thea’s room, rocking her to sleep. Donna seemed so content, as if she had everything she’d ever wanted.

Joan did not want to go up to space again. And perhaps that had made room for Frances. But Donna would not need room. Donna would find a way. One day, Donna would come home from space and tell her daughter all about it.

Donna looked up at Joan in the doorway and smiled. Joan waved her good night.

It was the first Thanksgiving Joan had ever had without her parents and Barbara.

But it was the first time she’d ever felt this at home.


Later that night, Vanessa walked Joan and Frances into Joan’s apartment. Frances headed to brush her teeth and get ready for bed. Boarding school had abruptly matured her. Frances now did so many things on her own, insisted on reading books that struck Joan as perhaps a bit too advanced for her age, and had started wearing shorter skirts and dresses, almost never wearing T-shirts. But she still wanted to be tucked in. And for that, Joan was grateful.

“I’ll be in in a second,” she said to Frances as Frances headed to the bathroom.

“Today was a good day,” Vanessa said once Frances was out of earshot.

“Yes, it was,” Joan said, holding Vanessa’s hand. “Though I missed you, even when you were right there in front of me.”

“I missed you, too,” Vanessa said softly.

They looked at each other. Vanessa could not sleep there that night. There could be no more of that for a long time. Soon they would need a plan.

“Good night, Franny!” Vanessa called out.

“Good night!” Frances called from the sink.

When Vanessa walked out the front door, Joan grabbed her hand for a moment.

“I don’t know how this is all going to work now,” Joan said. “With Frances always here.”

“I know. But we will figure it out,” Vanessa said. “People like us have always had to find a way. And so we do.”

And she then kissed Joan on the cheekbone.

Joan closed her eyes and inhaled.


That Monday, Joan headed to Antonio’s office to request a meeting. She wanted to discuss moving to Mission Control permanently, and no longer being assigned missions in space.

To her surprise, Antonio was walking past his assistant’s desk when she came by. He invited her right in.

“Tell me what’s on your mind,” Antonio said, leaning forward.

Joan did not say that she had just taken in her niece and was now, effectively, a single parent who couldn’t leave the planet for long stretches. She said the other thing, the one that was more relevant, and possibly even more true.

“I belong on the ground,” Joan said. “I have learned that I am supposed to have both feet on Earth and look up at the stars. Not the other way around.”

There was so much to learn about the universe from Earth. So much she wanted to do from this very ground, here at NASA.

Antonio considered her. “To be honest, I was hoping we could send you up a few more times. Despite your space-adaptation issues, we were very happy with your research.”

“I understand, sir,” she said.

“But I have heard from Jack that you’ve been a great help on previous missions,” Antonio said. “I think he’d be very open to integrating you into Mission Control.”

“I would be grateful,” Joan said. “If you would consider it.”

Antonio nodded. “I will,” he said. “I will.”

“Thank you,” she said. Joan stood up, and Antonio walked her to the door. But he only put his hand on the door handle. He did not open it.

“I wondered if you could help me,” Antonio said. “With something.”

“Of course,” Joan said.

“As you know, being assigned any mission requires a certain level of security clearances,” Antonio said.

“Sure,” Joan said.

“And security clearances cannot be granted to anyone who we believe is . . .” He appeared to be searching for the words. “Morally compromised,” he said, finally.

It hit Joan like a sucker punch.

“Yes, sir.”

“Not as a matter of judgment, mind you, but because it opens people up to the potential for blackmail. People with large debts, for instance, or gambling problems would be a good example of the type of person we would have to rescind a security clearance from, rendering them unable to fly. People who have family members with ties to organized crime would be another example. Also, the appearance of sexual deviation would make any of our astronauts vulnerable to such a blackmail.”

Joan and Vanessa had asked for too much, pushed too hard, believed too na?vely that they could have what they wanted.

Wasn’t that the story of so many of the gods up there among the stars? She’d been looking at them her whole life and had never really listened, never learned from their stories. They were always punished for their hubris.

“I want to be very clear about something: I have never felt it is my personal business to know what any of my astronauts do on their own time. My purview is only as it relates to what is of concern to the U.S. government and to the public interest.”