Atmosphere(97)

Joan closed her eyes. When she opened them, Vanessa was standing in front of her, crying.

“Jo, please—”

“Vanessa, this is not up for debate. I will not allow you to give up everything you have worked toward. It’s over.”

Vanessa hung her head.

“Please do not call me,” Joan continued. “Please do not come back here.”

“How could you—”

“You will meet someone else,” Joan said. “Someone who is not in the corps. And you will be able to keep it a secret. A better secret than we have. You will be able to have everything you deserve. But you cannot have that with me.”

“I—”

Joan could not bear another second of this conversation. It had to be over. She stood up.

“Vanessa, just go,” Joan said.

“Joan—”

“You need to go. I’m asking you to leave my house,” Joan said.

“But Frances . . .” Vanessa said, a tear falling from her face. “You’re not even letting me say goodbye to Frances.”

“I know,” Joan said. “I will explain it all to Frances as best I can. She will be okay.”

Vanessa stared at her.

But Joan was right. And they both knew that.

Vanessa’s eyes narrowed, her lips tight. “I deserve to at least have a say in this,” she said.

Joan shook her head. “There is nothing left to say.”

“What an incredibly fucked-up thing to do,” Vanessa said.

“I don’t care,” Joan said.

Without saying another word, Vanessa grabbed her keys and left. For a moment, Joan thought she was going to slam the door, but she shut it quietly. And Joan knew it was so as not to wake up Frances. She wanted to run to Vanessa and tell her that she could not live without a woman who cared about her niece that much.

Instead, when the lock finally clicked, Joan fell to the living room floor and sobbed. She let it shake her body from her chest down through her legs. She was still crying when she pushed herself up to a sitting position. And through her tears, she could see that while she had been on the floor for only a few minutes, her tears had left a mark on the carpet.

And then the phone rang.

When Joan picked it up, she heard just one word.

“No.”

Joan’s breathing slowed, and she tried to dry her tears.

“No, Joan,” Vanessa said.

“Where are you?” Joan asked.

“I’m in the pay phone across the street because I assumed you would be a moron and not let me in,” Vanessa said.

Joan ran to the window.

There, at the phone, was Vanessa looking up at her. “No. Do you hear me?” Vanessa said. “No.”

“Vanessa, they won’t—”

“I listened to you. And you wouldn’t let me talk. But now it’s my turn. And you don’t get to talk. My answer is no. Absolutely not. I don’t care what Antonio said. I don’t care what they can take from me. I don’t care if they never let me set foot in the fucking space shuttle ever again. No. I will not leave you and Frances. I will not. And you don’t get to tell me what to do.”

Joan wiped a tear from her eye and watched Vanessa yell at her from the pay phone.

“You have no right to tell me I don’t get a say in this,” Vanessa said. “And you have no right to do to me what you did tonight.”

“I’m sorry,” Joan said, “But—”

“I didn’t ask for this!” Vanessa shouted. “I didn’t ask to meet your niece and help you deal with your stupid sister and meet your parents and imagine a life where the two of us could have things that I never dreamed the world would let me have! I didn’t ask for that! That was you!”

“I—”

“And now, when one asshole scares you, you’re going to give it all up? No! I don’t accept it. I love you. And I love Frances, too, and you don’t get to take her away from me. Just because you’re scared. Or just because you think you know what’s best for me.”

“All you’ve ever wanted is to fly the shuttle,” Joan said.

“All I ever wanted—past tense,” Vanessa said. “But you changed what I wanted, and what I thought was possible.”

Vanessa started losing track of her breath as she broke down. “What an awful thing to do to a person! To make them believe they can have the things they never believed they deserved. And then take it away. What an awful thing.”

“I’m sorry,” Joan said. “I’m so sorry.”

Joan, staring out the window, saw Vanessa looking at up her. “Please don’t make me go,” Vanessa said, crying harder now. “Please.”

“But you might lose everything you dreamed of.”

“Then I’ll lose it,” Vanessa said. “Let them take it. Just don’t let them take you.”

Tears fell down Joan’s face.

“Will you come back up here?” Joan asked.

“Will you let me in and let me talk?” Vanessa asked.

“Yes,” Joan said. “Of course.”

Two minutes later, Vanessa was at Joan’s front door. Her face was red. Joan hated herself for ever making Vanessa cry like that. But denial wasn’t going to fix any of this.