Atmosphere(96)

“I just wasn’t sure how to tell you,” Joan said.

“So you’ve been avoiding me? Because you didn’t have the decency to break up with me?”

“No,” Joan said. And then: “Maybe. Either way, it’s not going to work anymore.”

“I don’t agree,” Vanessa said, crossing her arms.

“What are we going to do? I’ll get a babysitter once a week and you and I can go out to dinner three towns over? And then I’ll rush to be home before the sitter has to leave?”

“Yes!” Vanessa said, shouting in a whisper. “That’s exactly what we’ll do. And I’ll drive you home. And I’ll stay in your room with you that one night a week and then I’ll sneak out before Frances wakes up. Yes!”

“That’s not a relationship!” Joan said, doing her best to keep her voice down.

“That’s what we can have!” Vanessa said. “And I’ll take anything I can have with you! Don’t you see that?”

“Well, I can’t ask that of you.”

“I’m asking it of you! I’ll sneak into your house just to kiss you once a week if that’s what I can get. I’ll wait until Frances is in college if that’s what I have to do. Are you insane, Joan? I want you. Forever. I told you that. I don’t care what it takes.”

Joan could barely catch her breath. She slumped herself down onto a kitchen chair and rested her head on the table.

“Jo, I don’t understand,” Vanessa said. “Why are you doing this?”

Joan looked up at her. Vanessa’s eyes were teary, her voice catching, her mouth turned down. “Please don’t do this. Please.”

All of Joan’s body went limp, and she began to sob.

“They know,” Joan said, finally.

“What?”

“They know. NASA knows.”

Vanessa blanched. “No, they don’t.”

“Yes, they do. I don’t know if we were too obvious. Or someone told them. A couple of months ago, Jimmy made a comment. I didn’t give it enough attention at the time. I can see now that I should have. He might have gone to Antonio. It doesn’t really matter how—they know.”

“That’s impossible. Steve told me Antonio had no idea.”

“Well, Steve was wrong.”

“But how?”

“Maybe Antonio knows the same way Donna or Jimmy figured it out,” Joan said. “I mean, we have been in a relationship for three years and it’s probably incredibly obvious. In ways we can’t see.”

Vanessa shook her head. “Maybe you misunderstood him.”

“I went to his office to talk about Mission Control, and I was about to leave, but before I got to the door, he calmly reminded me of the importance of security clearances for astronauts, and that they require no appearances of ‘sexual deviation.’ He said it leaves one open to blackmail.”

Vanessa flinched. “Well, yeah, it leaves us open to blackmail because people act like who we are is shameful. If we didn’t have to keep it a secret, then people wouldn’t be able to blackmail us,” she said. “Did he ever think about that?”

Joan shook her head and sighed.

Vanessa pushed on: “Did he say why he was telling you this, specifically?”

“He said it was because he knew me to have good, special relationships with many members of the astronaut corps, and that he trusted me to get this information to anyone who needed to hear it.”

“He meant me,” Vanessa said.

“Yes, he meant you.”

Vanessa put her knuckles to her mouth.

“What do we do?” Vanessa said.

“What I am doing,” Joan said. “This is what has to happen.”

Vanessa closed her eyes. Joan watched her chest rise and fall.

“You have to leave us,” Joan said. “With Frances here, the three of us spending time together, it’s only going to become more obvious. You have to leave us.”

“No—”

“You have to,” Joan said firmly. “I’m sure you’re okay for this mission because it’s happening so soon. But everything after that is at risk. You have to leave, or you will never fly the space shuttle.”

Vanessa did not say anything. She started tapping the counter with her fingers, over and over and over again. Joan buried her head in her arms on the dining table.

“Is that what you want me to do?” Vanessa said. “You want me to leave?”

“Yes,” Joan said. “That is what I want you to do.”

“Maybe you don’t want to lose your own job,” Vanessa said. “I wouldn’t blame you if you’re afraid to be unemployed, now that you’ve got a kid to take care of.”

Joan scoffed. “No.”

“Well, then why didn’t you tell me about this sooner?” Vanessa said. “Instead of avoiding me?”

Because I do not know how to live my life without you. Because I don’t even recognize the person I was before I loved you. “Because . . .” Joan said. But she had no words.

“Then—”

“But this is final,” Joan said. “You have to go. I knew I couldn’t talk to you about it until I worked up enough nerve to see it through. But this is how it has to be. That’s never been clearer to me.”