Deep End(121)

Good. Not perfect, but good enough. I know this the second my hands knife into the water. I know it without reading numbers. It’s a knowledge that comes from someplace inside me that didn’t exist a few months ago.

Pen’s turn is after mine, and she dives well. The cameras follow me around. Athletes rehearse their last dives, get last-minute tips from their coaches, jump in place to keep warm. I dry off my suit, put my sweats back on, and look at the list of names on the board. The competition is not over yet.

My phone pings with a text. Smile.

It’s Mei. She probably meant to send this to someone el— MEI: Watching the live stream, and you need to SMILE.

SCARLETT: What?

MEI: You just won the NCAA.

I glance at the rankings, and she’s right.

I’m going to finish first.

I need . . . a minute.

To comprehend the enormity of it.

I slip inside, past the pack of swimmers watching the competition. Their chins are up, to the platform. They don’t pay attention to me as I make my way into the belly of Avery, a quick turn, a slumped back against the wall, eyes screwed shut till little bursts of gold appear.

I cannot wrap my head around it. The person I was two years ago. How alone I felt. Scared of being too much, of not being enough, of being imperfect. Surrounded by impossibles. And now I dove, and— “Scarlett.”

I blink. Lukas is there, smiling at me. A real smile .

“Crying again, I see.”

I hadn’t even noticed. “I . . .”

“I know.” He comes closer, palms above both my shoulders. Kisses the tears off my cheeks. “It’s okay,” he murmurs. “I’ll put you back together.”

My fingers fist into his shirt. “It’s just . . . a lot.”

“I know.” Another kiss, gentle against my lips. “Scarlett. You’re brilliant. You’re perfect. And I—”

An outraged, teary voice swallows the rest of his words. “Are you two for real?”





CHAPTER 64


LUKAS DOESN’T TURN AWAY FROM ME. DOESN’T LEAVE. Doesn’t pull back.

I know he heard Victoria’s question, but he seems unwilling to let it dictate his movements. A statement, perhaps:

We’re not doing anything wrong.

I’m happy here, the way I am.

Go away.

I respect that. But I’m not certain it’s the best course of action, so I press a palm to his chest to push him away.

It does nothing. Lukas kisses me one more time at his leisure, lets out an aggravated sigh, and takes a step back.

Victoria, I notice when I can finally look at her, is flanked by Bree, Bella, and . . .

Pen, of course. Four pairs of wide eyes and four dropped jaws, all ranging from affronted, to disbelieving, to shattered.

“What are you doing, Vandy?” Bree asks. She sounds like I just threw her grandfather under a tractor.

I’m considering how to reply when Lukas says, “Tell her, Pen.”

Pen, though, isn’t listening. She’s pale, trembling next to Victoria, and zeroes in on me with an expression I can’t decipher, to ask, “Did you just want to be me all along?”

Betrayal—that’s the expression. And she stares like I’m the one doing it. To her. “I . . . what?”

“Because it feels like that, Vandy.” Tears start running down her face. “Are you in your Single White Female era?”

“Enough,” Lukas says. His hand is on my shoulder, warm and grounding. “Pen, they are Scarlett’s teammates, too. If you won’t tell them what’s going on, I will.”

“What is going on? The boyfriend and the gold medal that were mine a year ago are now hers. That’s what.”

Lukas exhales, impatient. I’m afraid of what could come out of his mouth. Of the impact it might have on her.

“I know you’re hurting, Pen,” I interject, steadying my voice. “But you’re still a silver medalist. And Lukas . . .”

“What about Lukas?” Vic asks, inching closer to Pen. “Because from my side it feels like he could have at least ended things with Pen before—”

“Pen and I aren’t together,” Lukas interrupts her. “Haven’t been for months.” He turns to Pen. “I went along with what you asked and kept our breakup a secret, because Scarlett knew, and she was the only one who mattered. This is where it ends, though.”

“I don’t think we should be here, guys,” Bella mutters. There must be a general agreement, because all three of them shuffle away, Vic with a final squeeze of Pen’s arm.

“You should go, too, Pen,” Lukas says once they’re out of earshot, not unkindly. “We’ll discuss this when we’ve calmed down—”

“Do you realize how painful this is?” She shivers and wraps her arms around her waist, still wearing her wet suit and nothing else. “To see you like that, with my best friend?”

“You have no right to this reaction. You have known about me and Scarlett for months. In fact, you pushed us together. ”

“But it was just—you were hooking up, it wasn’t—”

“Pen, when you broke up with me, I was clear that I considered my commitment to you over. I told you I’d be there for you as a friend, but you knew from the start that I wasn’t going to treat my relationship with Scarlett like a way to pass the time.”