Deep End(122)

“But I’m the one who broke up with you! A few months ago, you and I were still in love and now—what, you’re in love with two people now?”

“No, I’m not.”

It drops between the three of us like a body in water. Perfect rip entry. No splashes or noise, just a terrible, deafening silence. And when it has sunk deep enough into Pen’s brain, she turns to me. “You just . . . took everything from me. Thank you, Vandy.”

I shake my head. She’s being unfair and irrational, and I know I should be furious at her, but she’s so obviously heartbroken, I can’t find my anger. “I know this is hard to hear, but . . . neither the title nor Lukas were yours to be taken,” I say softly.

“You have to stop, Pen.” Lukas’s hand tightens on my shoulder. “She’s your friend, and you’re hurting both of you.”

“She was my friend, and—” She points at Lukas with trembling fingers. “I forbid you to fall in love with her.”

“Pen. I already have.”

“Oh, yeah?” She laughs, bitter and a little mean. “Vandy must have not gotten the memo, because she looks pretty fucking shocked by this piece of news.”

Lukas doesn’t glance at me, but his throat works with his swallow. “She wasn’t ready to hear it yet. This is none of your business.”

“How can it not be my business? You’re my boyfriend and my best friend!”

All of a sudden, it’s too much for me. “I need us all to take a minute, and . . .” I wipe my cheeks with both palms, overwhelmed. “Pen, you . . . I’m sorry, but you’re being unfair. And Lukas, I . . . ”

I turn and slide away, toward the locker room, toward the nearest exit. By the time I’ve turned the corner, Lukas has already caught up. He stops in front of me, blocking my path, hands rising to cup my cheeks.

“Scarlett. Don’t.”

“I . . .” We are in the same place where I ran into him and Pen arguing last September, at the start of school. A cruel joke, that’s what this is. “I can’t go to the award ceremony.”

“Fuck the ceremony. I’m here. Stay with me.”

I shake my head. My tears scatter. “I should have told Pen about us. The second things started changing, I should have . . .”

“Scarlett, you said it yourself. Pen is being irrational. She needs to get the fuck over herself.”

“But I wasn’t truthful. Sam said—I should have been honest. I wasn’t, and now she’s unhappy. I did this to her—and to you—”

“To me?” He smiles, amused. “What have you done to me? You made me happier than I’ve ever been, Scarlett, that’s all.” He tilts my face up, until our foreheads press against each other. “Pen is not heartbroken. She’s not in love. This is just possessiveness. She’s lashing out because she lost two of her favorite toys, and she wants someone else to hurt as bad as she does. And I—I’ve been trying to tell you how I felt for months. And I know it’s hard to hear, I know this stuff doesn’t come easy to you, but it’s out there now. You don’t have to be terrified of it anymore. I love you. I’m in love with you. And you’re in love with me. We can say it.”

“Lukas.”

“I have been in love with you for so long. And I won’t stop. I know it.”

“Lukas—”

“This is it, for me.” He presses a kiss against my cheek. “Remember back in the fall? When I was being a total asshole, trying to prove to myself that I could exist without you? I can’t, Scarlett. I can’t be without you. And for the first time in my life, I don’t care. I think of you all the time, and I want to make plans with you, I want to talk about the future, and I’m fucking happy about it—”

“Stop.”

It’s the word—our word. The one I never used. And Lukas recognizes it, because he immediately straightens.

After a beat, he even manages to let go of me.

“You said that if I said stop, you would stop. And I’m asking you to stop now. I—this is too much. That’s my best friend. And my team. And you are my . . .” The words start shaky and die in my throat. I cannot even think them. “I’m asking you to give me a minute to figure this out. Okay?”

I watch him watch me for long, long moments, his need to respect my boundaries at war with his need for me, the determination in his eyes that doesn’t quite hide the pain.

His heart may be as cracked as mine.

“You know it, don’t you?” he asks.

“What?”

“From the very start, you had all the power. From the very start, I was in the palm of your hand.”

I did, I think. I definitely do now. “Yes.”

He smiles, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “As long as you are aware, Scarlett.”

I don’t even have to run from him, because he’s the one to leave. He kisses my forehead and turns around, and then I watch him walk away until he’s just a fuzzy figure, blurred by my tears.





CHAPTER 65


I’M NOT A COWARD.

Or maybe I am.

Am I?

“I’m not saying that you are. Or aren’t,” Barb muses, eating a bite of mac and cheese I made from scratch like the ingrate she is. “Like Ludwig taught us: some questions don’t need to be solved, but dissolved.”