Deep End(125)

I snort. “Pen, you have so many friends. Everyone loves you.”

“And they’re great. But with you . . . it was always so easy. You never judged me or made me feel anything but accepted. And when I realized that I’d be losing both Luk and you, I lashed out. I acted like Luk was a sandwich, stolen by a seagull, and—”

“Are you saying that I’m the seagull?”

“I think so, yeah. ”

I fight a smile. “Wow. Thanks.”

“Better than what I am.”

“Which is?”

“The fucking villain.”

I sigh. This time, I’m the one reaching for her hand—cold, rough, too-thin surrounded by mine. “I don’t think anything is as simple as that. There were just . . . choices that we made. And consequences.” I shrug. “I also made mistakes. I could have told you that I was falling for him.”

“And I probably would have still been a bitch about it.” She stands with a wistful smile. “I came here to apologize. What I said was cruel, and false. I stole from you the joy of your first gold medal. I want to make it up to you, but I don’t know how. If you no longer want to be my friend, that’s fair. And if you want to make me work for it, it’s also fair. I will, believe me. If you want to think about it . . . take your time.”

I nod. “Thank you.” My stomach feels buoyant. For the first time in days, I’m not going to be swallowed by quicksand. “For telling me all this.”

“Thank you for listening, Vandy.”

I watch her step away, and when she’s a few feet from me, something occurs to me. “Actually.”

She turns around.

“Are you going back to California?”

A nod.

I stop fighting my smile. “I’m going to the airport, too. In case you need a ride.”





CHAPTER 67


JAN IS MY ACCOMPLICE, AND I’M PROUD OF MYSELF FOR RECRUITING him. Initially, I just hoped to get an address from him. Then I found out that he was visiting Stockholm, and he became my coconspirator.

“I have a hotel booked,” I tell him when he picks me up at the airport.

He looks at my face. Then at my backpack. Then at my face again. “You travel very lightly.”

“He might be angry at me,” I explain. “We didn’t leave off on the best terms. I’m not going to stick around if he doesn’t want me.”

He laughs and puts my bag in the trunk, shaking his head like I’m warning him about the dangers of chemtrails and mind control.

Everyone around me talks in the same beautiful, singsongy way I’ve come to associate with the Swedish language. The colors seem more vibrant than back home, though it might just be because I know that Lukas is nearby. And because, past 10:00 p.m., the sun is still in the sky. “Won’t go down at all,” Jan explains.

It’s early June, just like in Midsommar, and— Wait a minute. “No human sacrifices, right? ”

“What are you—oh. That movie?” He sighs. “Ari Aster has a lot to answer for. And Ingmar Bergman is right there. Anyway, how do you want to play it?”

“What do you mean?”

“You said you wanted a grand gesture. What’s your plan?”

“Oh. Well. I guess I thought that flying over an ocean and a good chunk of land where toilets are holes in the ground and water is served without ice would kind of be . . . it?”

Jan is unimpressed. “But what will you do once you see Lukas?”

“Oh.” Had I considered that far? No. Yes. I know that I’ll tell him that I— “Did you bring flowers?”

“I . . . don’t think it’s legal? Fragile ecosystems and such.”

“Then are you proposing to him?”

“What? I’m twenty-one.”

Jan shrugs. “When you know, you know. Did you learn a complicated TikTok dance?”

“Would he even enjoy that?”

“Who wouldn’t?”

“I clearly didn’t think this through.”

“Well, you better fix that quickly,” he says, pulling into the driveway of a red two-story house. The roof is pitched, and the green of the surrounding trees is almost cartoonishly bright. “Because we’re here.”

“Your father’s home?”

“Yes. He’s very excited about you coming, by the way.” “Oh, god. You told him?”

“Of course.”

I cover my face. Pray for the car seat upholstery to wrap around me like a boa constrictor and release me from this ignominy.

“He’s very happy. I told him you’re smart and you like nature. He’s glad you’re Lukas’s first girlfriend. ”

“I am not his girlfriend, and he dated Pen for seven years.”

Jan shrugs. “Dad never met her, so he thinks Lukas made her up.”

This is a terrible mistake. “It’s nearly eleven. Is Lukas usually awake?”

“No, not usually.”

Crap. “Then I should go to the hotel and come back tomorrow?”

“Well, he’s not usually awake, but he clearly is tonight.” He takes the keys out of the ignition to point at the house, and when I follow that line . . .