Stars in Your Eyes(47)

I’m not sure if Logan’s just playing a role also when he turns his hand over. He lets me intertwine my fingers with his and he meets my eye, my heart warming. I understand why he was so uncertain that night, when he told me we shouldn’t be friends. Everything’s so blurred now.

Scott leans back in his seat. “That’s really sweet, Mattie.”

Logan and I let go. I grin. “That’s what happens when you act in romantic comedies.”

Monica’s on her second glass already. “I have a hard time believing those two are actually in any kind of relationship,” she says.

We all freeze. Logan glances at me.

“Why would you say that?” Julie asks. She looks at me with worry.

“I have a nose for bullshit acting,” Monica says. “I’ve been in this industry for longer than you’ve been alive,” she tells me, “and you and him look like people who’re acting the way they think they’re supposed to act if they’re in a relationship. It isn’t real.”

My breath is caught in my throat. Keith frowns, looking between me and Monica closely. “I think it’s because things are still new,” I tell her. “We’re still trying to figure it out ourselves and what we want our relationship to look like.”

Julie’s nodding a little too strongly. Good answer, her eyes say.

“I mean,” Logan starts, and my heart drops. Maybe he’ll get sick of this secret and decide to spill everything. “Yeah, this relationship is kind of bullshit, because we do have to put on an act for everyone. We’re in the spotlight nonstop. It’s hard to figure out who we really are with all these eyes on us.”

I blink at him. I didn’t expect him to speak from the heart.

“Well,” Monica says, reaching for her wine again, “that’s the one thing that isn’t bullshit. You two are definitely in love. That’s something that can’t be acted easily, I’ll tell you that much.”

My face gets hot, but Keith is staring at me now, so I smile at Logan while he gazes at me openly. He’s not forcing himself to look like he’s in love with me or anything, but he’s watching, as if he’s curious. Am I in love with Logan? No, I don’t think I am—I haven’t had a chance to get to know him. Could I fall in love with Logan, the way things are going now? I look away again.

“Come on, Mon,” Scott says, clapping his hands together. “It’s not up to us to judge these kids and their relationship, right?”

She just purses her lips and takes another sip.

We chat a little longer until the food arrives, and then we break into separate conversations. I overhear Monica complaining about healthcare and agents while Scott listens, nodding patiently. Keith talks to Julie with a low voice, and she’s smiling at him flirtatiously. Logan and I are quiet.

“Are you okay?” I ask him.

He still seems upset from earlier. “I said I didn’t want to come.”

“I’m sorry. I hoped you’d have a good time. We have fun together sometimes, right?”

“Yeah. That’s us. Not everyone in the cast.”

I look up and see that Julie’s noticed. She frowns at Logan, but she meets my eye. “Matt, I feel like you’re not really getting a taste for what hanging out with the cast can be like.”

“What’s it usually like?”

“Oh, man,” Keith says loudly now, “the fucking parties at hotels can get crazy as hell. Remember when Alexis invited us over for that one episode?” he asks Julie.

She laughs. “I can’t believe we still managed to make it to set the next day.”

Scott makes an apologetic face. “Sorry. I’m too old for that.”

I grin. “It’s okay. I prefer things like this anyway. Sitting and eating and actually talking, getting to know each other.”

“Me, too,” Julie says. “I’ve never been good with partying.”

Keith barks a laugh. “Could’ve fooled me.”

We all talk as we eat. Logan didn’t order much, and he’s barely touching his meal of quinoa something or other. He’s silent—not necessarily sulking anymore, but staring off, lost in his own head. God. I hate that he’s so uncomfortable and unhappy.

I take his hand under the table. “Do you want to go soon?”

He smirks. “I wanted to go about an hour ago. But it’s all right. Take your time. Seriously,” he says when I hesitate. “I’m fine.” I get the feeling he’s used to this: being in a setting where he isn’t welcome and doesn’t feel safe, so opts out of interacting altogether.

I bite my lip, then turn back to the table. “We should get going.”

Julie looks genuinely disappointed, but she nods and stands to hug me goodbye, and I shake Keith’s and Scott’s hands while Monica tilts her wineglass at me. Logan barely waves as we leave, and I say over my shoulder that we’ll see everyone bright and early.

“I said I was fine,” he says, but I can hear the relief in his voice.

We crunch down the gravel path together, toward the street where cars are parked. “Well, I like it when we’re both enjoying what we’re doing. I’m sad that I pushed you to come and you didn’t have a good time.”

“You didn’t push me to do anything.”