The Love of My Afterlife(60)

I cut myself off as Jonah’s mouth drops open. He looks genuinely terrified. Beside him, a pretty, dark-haired woman in a floral dress grabs his hand, looking at me curiously.

“Nooooo,” I murmur, except it’s not so much a murmur as a whine.

Shit. I am making this much, much worse.

“What’s going on here?” It’s Gen. Her dress is still stained but dry, hair perfect as ever. “Are you okay, Jonah?” she asks. She knows him?

“How do you two know each other?” I frown between the two of them.

Gen frowns back at me. “Jonah is my dear friend. He’s danced at many of my events.”

“I’ve double-checked and she’s definitely not on the list.” Ryan lumbers up, pointing at an iPad. “She’s an interlooper,” he adds. “Is that how you say it, babe? Interlooper? Or is it interloperer?”

Gen ignores him. She smoothly signals for the band to start playing again and gently shoos the crowd away from us. Jonah is staring at me, complete confusion crumpling his beautiful face. Beside him, his companion squeezes his hand.

My eyes fill with tears again. I wipe them away furiously. On the periphery of my vision, I see Cooper approaching.

“Have you come here for some sort of revenge?” Gen asks with a frown. “Just move on and forgive me already! I was an idiot in school. And so was Ryan. We were lost. Trying to find our way. Secondary school is a jungle, you know?”

“You’ve literally just used what you did to me and twisted it onstage so that you were a victim! Take some responsibility, Gen.”

“I’m supporting Ditch the Bullies! I am taking responsibility!”

“You never reached out to me. All these years you could have gotten in touch. Apologised.” My voice breaks. “Why didn’t you?”

She looks tired. For a moment my defences weaken, and I see the girl I used to play with. The one who let me use her roller skates when mine broke. The one who I giggled with until two in the morning when she slept over at my house. And that makes me remember the girl I used to be. Unafraid and open.

She blows the air out from her cheeks. “I had totally forgotten you even existed, to be honest, Delphie. And anyway, I was a total shit to everyone back then, not just to you.”

“Babe, we weren’t that bad,” Ryan pipes up, adjusting his tight baseball trousers. “At least not from what I remember. I don’t fully remember. You’re Delphie, right? Red hair? You’re the one that did that drawing?” He sniggers and Gen elbows him.

“You’d forgotten?” I stutter. “You had forgotten I existed?” A punch to the gut.

I have thought about Gen and Ryan every single day since I walked out of school for the last time.

I look between the two of them. Gen’s phone buzzes and she pulls it out of her tiny silver bag, glancing at it briefly before looking back at me.

“I have to announce the next act. So will you forgive us?”

I open my mouth, but once again nothing comes out. I’m empty. I’m done. I turn to apologise to Jonah, to try to fix things, but he’s disappeared once more. Probably run for safety or gone to kiss that other woman instead of me.

“Are you ready to leave, Delphie?” Cooper says airily from beside me. He takes my arm. “I’m bored.”

Gen gasps. “Oh wow, you’re R. L. Cooper?” She smiles widely as if our own interaction is now a distant memory. “I’m Gen—Gen Hartley. We met at Harrogate Crime Writing Festival two years ago: I was running a charity event with the author Peter Johnson, for the Royal Literary Fund.”

“I have zero recollection,” Cooper says, giving her the smile that seems to make all the other women swoon. It does the same with Gen. She glows pink, her tongue poking out a bit.

“Of course, you must have had so many people fawning over you that day.” She bites her lip. “Ooh, could I quickly take a pic for my Instagram?” She hands her phone to Ryan and hisses at him to take a picture. He nods dumbly, ready to obey without question, just like he always did.

Cooper shakes his head, his smile even wider. He lowers his voice and leans in close to Gen. “Gosh, I’m so flattered, Gemma, but I’m afraid I’d rather scoop out my own eyeballs than spend another moment talking to you. Do have a wonderful evening, both of you.” He nods to Ryan, who gives a thumbs-up back. “Come on, Delphie. Let’s go.”





30





It’s only when we get outside that I realise I’ve abandoned my shoes inside Derwent Manor. Luckily we’re in the middle of a heat wave and the grassy country lanes are as dry as dust. It is, however, disconcerting now that the sun has set into pitch black. I could step in anything.

Cooper uses his phone torch to light the way.

“Are you okay?” he asks as we pass by the field that is now empty of sheep.

I don’t think I am.

Not because of seeing Gen and Ryan, which would have been bad enough on its own, but because I can now firmly surmise that I have unequivocally failed at this chance Merritt gave me. I lost him. I lost Jonah. He looked at me like I was someone to be afraid of. He didn’t kiss me. He’s never going to kiss me. Which means not only have I lost the potential love of my life but I’m going to die again in three days. And while I never thought my life was particularly special, these past few days have turned everything I thought I knew on its head. Things have been stressful and weird and scary and overwhelming. Yet somehow, I’ve felt more alive than I ever thought possible.