Totally and Completely Fine(56)

“You’re going to have to move on,” he said. “No one likes to be second fiddle to a dead guy. It’s unattractive.”

I put down my napkin.

“You know what,” I said, “you’re absolutely right.”

Our waitress returned with the wine bottle, about to offer Carl another glass. But she backed off the moment she saw our expressions.

I stood.

“I’d hate to force you to spend the rest of this meal across from someone you find so unattractive,” I said.

“You’re not leaving,” Carl said.

“Sure am,” I said.

“Oh, come on,” he said. “Don’t be that way.”

“Unfortunately for all of us,” I said, “this is the only way I know how to be.”

Chapter 32

Now

The plan was to drive straight home.

But it would be empty—with Lena sleeping over at Eve’s tonight. And for whatever reason, the thought of going back to an empty house made me unbearably sad.

That lonely feeling.

It wasn’t as if I hadn’t felt it since Spencer died.

But this loneliness was different. It wasn’t as sharp—more like a bruise that I’d just discovered and couldn’t stop prodding.

Maybe it was because I’d gone into this date with hope. Not an abundance of it, but more than I’d had in the past. I knew it was because I’d allowed myself to be hopeful.

I wasn’t going to find the kind of love I’d had with Spencer. That was okay.

But I needed something.

I’d felt that way for a while but couldn’t really put my finger on it—what I needed. There was just this general wistfulness that had settled in my heart next to the longing.

The affair with Ben had made me realize what I needed. That I was hungry for affection and touch and the simple presence of someone I could depend on.

It was exhausting going through this life alone.

I had Lena, of course, but she had her own life, her own grief that was separate from mine. My job was to be her mother, her support.

Sometimes I felt angry at Spencer. It was irrational, it was ridiculous, but when things were hard, I blamed him for going down that road that night. As if he didn’t take that route every week. As if he hadn’t been driving these roads since before he got his license. As if Montana wasn’t known for shitty, drunk driving.

It wasn’t Spencer’s fault he was dead. It wasn’t mine either, though that didn’t alleviate the guilt I felt every time I thought about that night. Unable to remember if I’d even said goodbye. If I’d said that I loved him.

I didn’t want to go home.

Instead, I just drove around downtown Cooper—which took about five minutes—and parked outside of the Cozy.

Maybe I’d go in and organize the yarn wall again.

The streets were quiet, and I could see the lights on over the shop in Gabe’s apartment. I could have easily texted to see if he and Chani would be up for a visit, but I didn’t. I was happy for my brother, I really was, but the last thing I needed right now was to spend time with a couple that was deliriously in love.

I had taken out my shop keys, thinking that I could also probably do some work on the office—things were getting kind of messy in there—when movement caught my eye.

At the other end of the long, empty block, someone was walking in the opposite direction.

I didn’t know how, but I knew it was Ben. Something about the way he moved, that loose-limbed ease. Or maybe it was the bike helmet under his arm. I couldn’t see from this distance, but I was also pretty sure he was wearing the same boots he always wore.

I’d been horrible to him.

The smart thing would have been to text him or even call him—he was too far away for me to shout, and the wind would have stolen my words anyway.

Instead, I followed him.

Like a creep.

Just as I was beginning to catch up to him—taking the longest strides I could without risking slipping on the few patches of black ice that refused to melt—he turned a corner.

I thought I’d lost him, but when I got around that same corner, I saw him heading into a building. It was a small apartment complex, and I waited outside until the light came on in one of the windows on the second floor.

It was easy to figure out which place was his.

I spared a moment to chide myself for my insanity before I pushed it out of my mind and knocked on the door.

Ben was wearing his boots, black pants, and nothing else. Well, nothing except the necklaces gleaming from his thicket of chest hair. One had a circle charm; the other was just a simple chain.

“Lauren?”

“Hi,” I said.

“I feel like I should be surprised that you’re here,” he said. “But strangely I’m not.”

“I saw you on the street,” I said.

“And you followed me.”

I nodded.

“That’s a very normal thing to do,” he said.

He was leaning up against the doorframe, arms crossed, looking like an absolute dreamboat. I forced my eyes to stop wandering down to his bare chest.

I didn’t have the right.

Technically I didn’t really have the right to be there in the first place, but…

“I was going to go to the store,” I said.