Totally and Completely Fine(61)

And Spencer was right. Gabe was still drinking.

If anything, his drinking had gotten worse.

“Maybe his best friend Oliver can get him to stop,” Spencer said after Gabe finished off a six-pack and parked himself in front of the Christmas tree.

There was so much bitterness in Spencer’s voice.

I’d never really understood when people said how ruinous money could be, but I saw it now. There was a gulf forming between Gabe and Spencer, and neither of them wanted to admit that anything was wrong.

I didn’t say anything. I knew I couldn’t get Spencer to talk to Gabe before he was ready, and I wasn’t sure anyone could get Gabe to stop. He had that Parker stubbornness, and as far as he saw it, nothing was wrong with his drinking.

“It’s nothing compared to what other people do,” he’d said that evening after his fourth beer. “Stop nagging me.”

He’d crawled under the tree like we’d done as kids and fallen asleep. Or passed out. I couldn’t tell.

Tucked against his side was the puppy he’d just gotten. She didn’t have a name yet; Gabe had said he was thinking about calling her Teddy.

Spencer was in the kitchen washing dishes. He’d been avoiding Gabe since he arrived in town.

I watched the rise and fall of my brother’s chest, his face slack and peaceful, lit by Christmas lights, and worried. It felt like Gabe was a runaway train and all we could do was watch and hope he didn’t crash and burn.

Chapter 34

Now

Lena had piled the cart high with things I knew she didn’t need. This was supposed to be a trip to get supplies for New York, but I said nothing as she threw a fuzzy, fat lobster Squishmallow right alongside boxes of razors and tampons. A simple, tasteful sheet set with tiny blue dots chosen with just as much certainty as a robe with a pair of bunny ears on it.

I didn’t say anything, because I knew that there was no point in mentioning the obvious juxtaposition between the two types of things she wanted, a visual of that sweet, tentative bridge between childhood and adulthood.

Things had been good between us. I wasn’t going to ruin that by saying something stupid.

Or doing something stupid.

Something else stupid.

It wasn’t kind, but I’d been avoiding Ben since our last…encounter. I just didn’t know what to say to him.

“I appreciate all the orgasms, but that’s about all I can handle, and would you mind so terribly if I used your body at my own convenience for the kind of mind-clearing sex that I’m evidently in desperate need of? Kthanksbye.”

It was a shame they didn’t have Hallmark cards for occasions like this.

We turned the corner and all but ran into Jessica and her two daughters, my motherin-law right behind them. It seemed she went everywhere with them these days. Maybe Diana had finally gotten the daughter-in-law and granddaughters she’d always wanted.

She still greeted Lena with the same smothering affection she always did.

“You look more like your father every day,” she said. “Don’t you think, Jessica?”

Jessica tilted her head. “A spitting image.”

“Lucky girl,” Diana said.

Yes. Good thing she didn’t take after her mother, the bridge troll.

My brain immediately flashed back to Ben’s hot voice in my ear murmuring how good I was. How gorgeous. How sexy. All while fucking me down deep into his mattress.

Now was not the time.

I rolled the shopping cart over my foot. It was just enough pain to force me to stop thinking about Ben.

Jessica’s daughters were polite and greeted Lena.

“Hey,” one of them said, waving awkwardly.

There was something comforting about how self-conscious they were, despite being a year or two older than Lena.

“Hey,” Lena said.

“Why don’t you girls go pick out something for church on Sunday,” Jessica said.

Her two daughters looked at her.

“I thought we were getting Tums for Dad.”

“Heartburn?” I asked, trying for sympathy.

But both Jessica and I knew that Mikey’s chest could literally be in flames and I wouldn’t care.

“Are you coming?” one of her daughters asked. “To church?”

Lena shook her head.

“Oh,” the other one said. “Well. The youth group is fun, if you ever want to join.”

“Thanks,” Lena said.

“We’ll see you later, Diana,” Jessica said, before turning to give me a brief nod. “Lauren.”

I briefly nodded back. “Jessica.”

It was only after they left that I noticed that Lena had one hand in the basket, fingers squeezing the Squishmallow. Hard.

“We should go,” I said.

But Diana had never been one to take a hint.

“Did you know your dad used to go to our church with Mrs. Garrison?” she asked. “He loved it.”

Lena looked at me. Had I told her about that? I must have, but then again, by the time Lena was born, Spencer had extracted himself from most of his religious background.

I couldn’t tell what she was thinking. And she didn’t say anything until we got back to the house. I’d just turned off the car when Lena turned to me.

“Is that true?”

I didn’t know what she was talking about until she continued.