Wish You Were Her(73)
“Yeah?”
“But when I’m with Allegra, it feels so easy. I just want to love her and tell her she’s perfect. But that’s not socially acceptable. So, I panicked and made so many stupid mistakes.”
“But it wasn’t your fault that the two of you got photographed. And she knows that. She’s not stupid. Let her put out this fire. Then try again.”
As Jonah stared up at the screen, he knew he had to move. In the chess game of his life, he had to get to the other side of the board somehow. Lake Pristine stayed the same. It was a town in a beautiful painting or the inside of a snow globe. It was hard to change inside it. He needed to wake himself up from its comforting spell.
He didn’t want anyone else’s life. Not in Lake Pristine, anyway. He wanted a life that couldn’t be found in a small place, with comfortable people.
He was not going to leave his teenage years, grow old and be that guy getting drunk in the afternoons and talking about the time he had almost loved a movie star.
He had to be something else. Something better.
* * *
Allegra had learned to smile broadly every time Ellis interrupted her. While most late-night hosts were now young men who had been comedy writers or cast members on Saturday Night Live, Ellis was more old-school. He was usually more famous than his guests, and he knew it. Allegra’s fame was the kind he would find a little intimidating, so she anticipated some male foolery from him. His show was a small kingdom, where everyone fawned and bowed. Allegra had been reminded about how lucky she was to be squeezed in, lucky because they had bumped an up-and-coming comic until the following day so that she could have the slot.
Now, as Ellis smiled in a way that told Allegra he was about to turn, she braced herself. She was not afraid. She was playing a role. The mask had grown to cover her entire body. It was a terrible sort of armor, now necessary and employed like an octopus ready to ink.
Autistic girls were told they were their own worst enemies, but Allegra knew that was a neurotypical lie. She was her own ally. She was her own protector. She let her true self curl up into a ball inside a small room in her heart, a frightened eighteen-year-old in the fetal position, while she took over.
She. The person Allegra became when it was time to pretend. To seduce, to entertain, to convince. It was a choice so many actresses had been forced to make, autistic or not. Should I be her? she asked herself, whenever she stared at her own reflection in the dressing room mirror.
“Now, Allegra,” Ellis said, as the applause for the film clip died down, “let’s get serious for a moment.”
Allegra did not let her smile fade. “Sure, Ellis, let’s. That sounds fun.”
Murmurs of amusement met her answer, but the audience members were clearly anticipating the talk show host’s line of questioning.
“Some pictures of you went viral recently…”
Allegra pushed her long hair back and feigned innocence. “Was it the benefit for literacy I did back in May? Where we raised millions for children to have access to books?”
“Um, not exactly.”
“Ah,” Allegra sighed, playing up her disappointment. “Damn! That stuff never seems to go viral, such a shame. So, what are you talking about, Ellis?”
The audience laughed and hooted.
What a good sport she’s being, isn’t she charming, you’d never know the overhead lights are killing her and that she can smell everything and feel the springs of the seat beneath her thighs.
“Yes, some pictures of me and my very good friend were taken against our will and published,” Allegra said, before Ellis could. “We were both in a state of undress due to a broken air conditioner.”
More screams of laughter from the jackals, who looked to the people next to them to check that they were laughing as well.
“And we were actually having a fight, that’s what the photos don’t quite capture. If the pap had hung around, he’d have seen me pin him to the floor and get him in a headlock, but of course in this cynical day and age, everyone jumps to conclusions. I’m actually a Black Belt.”
Even Ellis smiled tightly at that, as the audience bellowed. Allegra felt her body silently begging her to wrap it up. The sensory overload was crushing her, but she told herself to persevere, she had minutes left. They had to make it through the fakery for a little longer. Yet as the audience cackled and shrieked, she breathed a small sigh of relief.
She had won. She had taken it back.
Albeit with shaking, frightened hands.
“Now, let’s talk more about Diego Charlotte and his sensational movie. Out very soon!”
When the interview was over, Allegra took a quick photo with Ellis for socials, blew a kiss to the enraptured audience and swiftly power-walked to the guest bathroom where she promptly vomited all over the floor.
Her feet slipped out of her high heels and her knees hit the floor as she retched. Within a moment Natalie was by her side, whispering comforting things and rubbing her back.
“You were perfect!” she said, careful to keep her voice as low as possible. “Just brilliant. It’s over now, baby, it’s done. That’s buried it. You did it, you’re the greatest. I’ve never seen anyone command a room like you when you want to.”
The other woman’s words tumbled out quickly as Allegra staggered to her feet to grab some paper towels. Natalie poked her head out of the bathroom door and barked at someone for some water. Allegra pressed her forehead against the cold tile on the wall until Natalie pushed a glass of water into her hands.