Wish You Were Her(74)

People thought masking was something that everyone did. They thought it was like speaking “corporate” or behaving differently for your in-laws. But it was so much more than that. It was the physical suppression of every natural, autistic instinct. It was mimicry. It was sunburn. It was a hand around your own throat. It was burying yourself while you were still alive.

Allegra felt the delayed reaction to the sensory overload and her body cried out, begging for mercy. She gulped down the water and splashed some on her face, hoping to disguise the salty tears.

Ellis Beckton was the only late-night show that went out live. Most others were filmed in the late afternoon. She took a moment to breathe, to try and pull herself together. She moved like a sleepwalker to her dressing room, where her two smartphones were locked away. She withdrew her personal phone and called the bookshop.

No one answered. She called again. Still nobody. She could picture the old landline ringing in the shop with no one there to answer it.

She wanted to talk to Jonah. But she didn’t have a number saved for him on either of her phones. She was about to open her email inbox when—

“Everything okay? The car’s outside. You good, baby?”

Natalie’s words came from the other side of the dressing room door. Allegra locked eyes with herself in the mirror. She blinked away the redness. She grabbed some concealer and quickly got to work on her face. She brushed her hair. She stared at herself, commanding herself to be all right.

Come on, we’ve done this before. We’re back to work now. They want the golden goose so let’s go. Time to sparkle.

“I’m great,” she heard herself say. “Ready to go.”





Chapter Twenty-Six



[email protected]

to: [email protected]

Subject: Late Show

Dear Jonah,

Your name is everywhere!! I saw the pictures!! What the hell is going on in that tiny town?!

[email protected]

to: [email protected]

RE: Nightmare

I’m so sorry. It’s been a hurricane. Allegra Brooks is the glamorous visitor to Lake Pristine. I can’t say much more about her, as I want to respect her privacy, but I didn’t think about you seeing my name all over the media circus.

Jonah.

[email protected]

to: [email protected]

Subject: What?!

Allegra Brooks!! That girl from that fantasy show?! I saw the pictures; I couldn’t really believe that you’re the same person as the guy in those pictures. Are you okay? Has she ditched you? Is she a total diva? What on earth has been going on?

[email protected]

to: [email protected]

RE: Allegra Brooks.

Like I said, private. You work in social media. Do you have any advice? I’m not looking at what’s being said anymore, but I can imagine. What can I do to make it better?

Jonah x

[email protected]

to: [email protected]

Subject: Social Media

Sadly, the one constant that I have seen in my professional life is that men always come out okay on the other side. Men’s misdemeanors are overlooked while women are punished for assumptions and associations. You’re going to be okay. You haven’t even done anything wrong. Give it time. Let people move on to the next cycle. And just remind yourself that you haven’t hurt anyone, you’re just the subject of gossip. And continually tell yourself that it’s weird for people to care so much about strangers.

Hope that helps.

A friend.

[email protected]

to: [email protected]

RE: Social Media

It does help but I should have been clearer. I’m wondering how I can make it easier for Allegra.

Jonah x

Allegra stared at his latest email and felt a flush of something she couldn’t label.

She put the phone to one side, deciding to deal with practical, less overwhelming things instead.

She had a few weeks left of her summer break, so to speak, before the premiere for Maybe in Waiting. Then, the publicity tour would need her for appearances. She hoped these pictures would be yesterday’s news by then. She had made a date with Jasper to come and see the apartment, as she urgently wanted to get started on the bedroom. She loved that Jasper had a different way of working as a designer, and that she was keen to be deeply collaborative with Allegra.

There was a queen-size bed in Allegra’s bedroom suite and nothing else. Her phone lay on the floorboards, charging, and it was the only light in the dark room. She lay back against the Egyptian cotton and closed her eyes. In the dark, she wished he was lying next to her.

Her phone flashed as a voice note arrived from Jasper.

When Allegra played it, the designer’s voice could be heard saying, “Hey, so, I have a slightly tipsy, lovesick man at my boyfriend’s cinema right now and he won’t stop talking about you. I was wondering if it would be okay (when he’s sober) for me to give him your personal number? Totally okay if not, he doesn’t even know I’m asking you so won’t know if you said no.”

Allegra hesitated. She liked Jonah, even more than she wanted to admit. But she didn’t want him to try and make up for what happened at the Lakehouse. She didn’t want him to reach out to her from a place of guilt.

Now that she was back in the barren, isolated apartment in the city—it was hard for her to trust.