You First: A Joe Goldberg Prequel (You, #0)(90)

“That’s me, though. I started. I have to finish.”

You tell me you don’t know what you did to deserve me, but the words are carnations that die the day you get them. You peck me on the cheek. “Back soon.”

You’re off to a coffee shop or maybe to suck Dick’s schlong. No. That was one time. One night. It’s better like this. Alone on your turf. Breaking what can be broken. Stabbing ice so I don’t stab Dick. The more I sweat, the smaller the pictures feel. A one-off accident you would erase if you could.

“Fuck.”

My hand slipped off the ice pick because my grip was too firm. Not so tight, okay? I cut my knuckles on the cold wall, and my blood is hot. It stings like Pop Rocks on my Portnoy, and you’re not here to wash my wound. I drive the pick into the wall of white. I sweat and I stab and I bleed as minutes turn into seconds into the word for something smaller than a second. It hurts to be alive. I stab because the ice is still there, because you are still there with Dick in my mind. My arm is thumping and sore, but on I go like a machine. A robot. Sometimes I am stabbing Dick. Sometimes I am stabbing Cynthia, the one who makes sucking dick in a bathroom seem like a good thing to do. And then what a joke, right? I am the tool with a tool. Sometimes I am stabbing myself.

The thing is, there is one person I am never stabbing.

You.

Love is a brick wall. A block of ice. You are not the problem. The ice is the problem. Dick is the problem. Implacable. The way he’s fucking out there, lodged behind the counter of that Beanery. Heartless. No dog (tag) in this fight, in any fucking fight. I know, Vail. He shouldn’t have messed with us. Especially you, vulnerable you. All the times you sat in there talking to him, all the times I sat in there talking to him, being his friend, taking his advice. I know what he would say to me were I to get him in a choke hold. (Could I?)

It was one night, Goldbitch. And I warned you about that girl. She told you she’s not your girlfriend, kid, and who cares? No pain, no gain. Bottom line is, son…You got what you want. You locked it down. Girls do shit like this. Think of me as her bachelorette party. Be here now. You Seduced. You Destroyed. It’s always good when they hate themselves a little for doing you dirty. It means they wanna get clean for you. Also, she was wasted. She might not even remember it, kid.

Weird, how I don’t need him anymore because it’s reached that point where I know what he’s going to say before he says it.

Your freezer is like new, and I did that. Not him. I wash my hands with hot water (you need to buy soap) and I reach under the sofa. I take the pictures. Mine now. Not yours. Mine.

I call you and you answer. First ring. Is that guilt? Boredom? Love? Is there any fucking difference? “Hey, you. I miss you.”

“I’m done. Your freezer is a freezer again.”

“Aw, you’re my hero. Thank you, Joe!”

You were too perky. Too polite. “Are you alone?”

“Me? Of course.”

“Beanery?”

“Nah, I’m kind of sick of that place. I’m just around the corner and I just…I still can’t get over it. My place has never been so clean and you just…You gave me a freezer!”

“I guess I did.”

“I want to do something for you. Wanna eat?”

You ate Dick’s dick. “Maybe.”

“Pick a place. Anywhere you want. It’s on me. I mean, me and Cyn have been swearing we’re gonna deal with the freezer for months and, like, I owe you.”

I don’t want you to owe me. I want you to love me. I can feel some guy listening to your side of the conversation, some random dude thinking we have the best relationship ever. Do we? Is this as good as it gets? Is this the best you can do?

“You there, babe?”

“I’m here. And it’s really not a big deal, Vail. I did this to our freezer growing up all the time.”

“Aaah.”

Girls: All they want is history. Ammo. Insight. “Anyway, Jeremy and Sarah had a fight.”

You gasp like a girl who doesn’t suck Dick’s dick in a dirty bathroom bar. “Oh no.”

“Apparently, she’s been stepping out with some guy. He’s pretty down, so you know…”

“Joe, no, this is awful. I love Sarah and…Are you serious? She cheated?”

“He’s pretty rattled, so I gotta be there for him.”

Your voice is lower now. “Of course you do, because you’re the best.”

Yesterday that would have meant something. Today it just makes the Dick pics hurt even more. “Look,” you say. “I know you don’t need my help here, you’re so smart about stuff….”

I am the stupidest man alive. A tool with a tool. “Okay…”

“Well, it’s just, I barely know them, and I know you know them way better.”

They don’t exist. “Uh-huh.”

“But I felt that instant kind of…Well, please tell Jeremy that I said that Sarah does love him.”

“Okay.”

“Joe, she raved about him. And if she messed up…”

She did not suck Dick’s dick. She never would, but is that just because she isn’t real? Because true love is a thing you can rent but never own? “Okay…”

“Jeremy should know that she loves him. And if she did step out…Again. Every chance she got, she told me how much she loves him. People make mistakes. So maybe remind him of that, you know?”