You First: A Joe Goldberg Prequel (You, #0)(94)

You Again Because DON’T YOU GET IT HE DOESN’T LIKE YOU: Don’t mind the babbling. Pretty sure I am still drunk. Anyway how’s work? Big day?

You Again AND DON’T YOU REALIZE YOU ARE TALKING TO YOURSELF?!: Random but my friend Joan and her boyfriend wanna do something this weekend. This super cool underground karaoke place. Zero pressure lol it’s not like it’s another wedding!

You Again AND NOW YOU’RE DRUNK AT NIGHT: asakjn the squirrel heart spaear botanical hmmm baby dance askjdakj hiiiii

You, the day after: someone might have had a wee too much to drink last night. howru

You, sober and stubborn: Okay you were right. Raising Arizona is art. And I might have an investor for your film, this guy who asked me out a couple nights ago…I mean I could go out with him and bring you and kill all the birds with one stone…

It makes me cringe, Vail. I know what you did there. You tried to be the Caring Girl, asking about his dead vet brother. You tried to be the Fun Girl. None of it worked, so you set a jealousy trap as if Dick wouldn’t see that coming a mile away. You think you’re clever, but you can’t put the zookeeper in the zoo. Did you ever read a Russian fucking novel? Didn’t you at least read some Dickens in high school? You can’t nail a Dick with a dowry.

There’s a break, as if you had temporary sanity. And then you lost it.

You: So I think I have to move back home. Long story and I’m okay but I got mugged and just…No thanks New York. Anyway maybe I’ll see you before I go. Already told my roommate so if you know anyone looking I should help her find someone.

Classic. You’re playing the victim, the princess in the castle, the girl tied to the railroad tracks. Don’t you understand that Dick is not me? He is not Mario! I am Mario.

Dick: In Canada on location. You can’t leave New York, darling. You got mugged. You’re a New Yorker haha see you in like five or six days when I get outta this fuckin tundra.

You: OMG CANADA I AM SO SO STUPID AND DUMB. You TOTALLY told me about Canada and oh my brain…Stay warm I’ll keep New York toasty for you

At long last, there is a fuckin’ plot twist. Four days later, Dick is the instigator.

Dick: Vail

You: What? What do you even want?

Dick: Vail

You: ?

Dick: I didn’t lie to you. I was in Canada. I was gonna call.

Ah, so you bumped into the lying horndog. This should be the end. It should matter that he lied to you. And I like you like this. Disgusted. Terse. How you are with me when I mess up.

You: Right. Sure. Whatever you say Dick.

Dick: We wrapped early and it was a mad fuckin rush to get back to town. And yeah I’m a piece of shit. Shoulda called yada yada. What can I say? I suck. You can delete my digits

I’m guessing that didn’t happen. I read between the lines, between the days that passed and it’s pretty clear that you called him. A lot.

You: I’m sorry I’m calling so much…I just miss you and I know you want things to be chill and all that and I do too honestly lol but I really do need my scarf.

My Portnoy twitches. It’s stupid. I wanted to be the first guy who held on to your scarf.

Dick: Been busy. Got fucked over on that Canada job. I’m a piece of shit. Can’t talk now.

You: No you’re amazing, Dick. You are a great line producer and the idiots on that film are the pieces of shit. You do everything and you deserve more.

Dick: Ha. Sure. At least I’m not a total fuck up. I do have your scarf.

You: I’m on my way

Dick: Haha it’s at the Beanery so you can pick it up whenever.

I need a break. I am sick for you, Vail. You won’t be stopped. You are a train and you rolled off the tracks, but you’re the one who’s gonna get run over. A few days later.

You: Look, Dick fuck it. No more games. I like you. I want to see you. Like see you see you. It’s not just ’cause of the wedding or that you know all the words to I Want it That Way and love Sex & the City. I want to go out with you. And if you don’t want to go out with me, you need to say it because here I am…And I am hitting send. Send.

For twenty-six hours, you probably sat there welded to your laptop. And then he threw you a bone.

Dick: Do you like Indian food?

I need a TUMS and a barf bag and was anything between us our first? Is there one fucking cherry that I popped? India wasn’t spontaneous. It was a code word between you and him, yet I believed you when you said it was all random. Something happened for the two of you in India. Or you read some article in Cosmo or got a lecture from one of the Sex writers. Anyway, you put up a wall, blew him off after the trip to India on Eighth Street.

You: Hey sorry I missed your calls. That Indian place was sooo good and thank you for spoiling me! And the travel bug is a thing. Totally. And yeah we should go to Costa Rica. It’s insane but let’s be insane lol I deserve some insanity cuz this job is killing meeee

Dick: Ha I feel ya brb

Oh dear, oh, Vail, don’t you get it? He is laughing at you, still.

You: I could do November or December or January. And I shouldn’t say this but like…everything I want to do in CR is couple stuff. Not that we’re a couple, but I really wanna go

Dick: I’m so fuckin broke

You: So would November work? Gives you time to save

Dick: Hang on fuckin Schlitz is hitting me up