You First: A Joe Goldberg Prequel (You, #0)(93)
Yes, this book is beneath me, it might be a waste of my time and my heart, but it’s a book, Vail. And reading is the only thing that brings me peace.
Dick coughs. “Hello? What the fuck is this?”
I almost forgot he was here. I can’t face him, so I turn around to read while he screams and swears like a little fucking boy. I can’t focus with him having a fucking tantrum, and I know. I should have closed his mouth before I tied him up, but what can I say, Vail?
I’m not a psycho. I pull his boot off. I take his stinky white tube sock and shove it into his mouth and I fix it good with some duct tape.
He’s still shaking, waaah waaah waaah, and those dog tags are clink clink clinking. He is not fit to wear them, so I pull them off his fucking chest and wave them in his fucking face.
“Your brother would roll over in his grave, you piece of fucking shit!”
He has things to say, but I can’t hear him. It always feels good to solve a problem. To defrost a freezer. To silence a dick. I punch him in the head so this place’ll feel more like a library, and I get back to my computer.
My hand hurts, but it’s nothing compared to my heart.
Page 1. Your first chat.
March 12, 2001, and what the fucking fuck, Vail? You go back with him, far back, farther than I have traveled, and I’m imploding. You’ve known Dick for a long time. Is our life a lie? Are you a lie?
You: So it’s me…the birthday girl…lol that was crazy and it goes without saying…I am not that girl blah blah blah…did I tell you I work for Sex & the City?
Dick: Ha yeah no biggie
You: Nice big reference
Dick: ?
You: I can be a little Samantha…Especially on my birthday but also like NICE TO MEET YOU and PLEASE DON’T JUDGE ME IT WAS THE WHISKEY AND THE SHOTS AND…OMIGOD I HOPE THE POP ROCKS DIDN’T HURT YOU
Dick: Haha that was a first
You: omg I am your first yeeeeee lol YAYAYAYAY
Dick: Calm down kid
You: So what’s up!? How are you? When did you leave? I was kinda hopin you’d still be in my bed but figured you are busy with your movie. Anyway! Wanna get food later? I am sort of dying for pizza. I miss Detroit pizza. Did you ever have Detroit pizza?
Dick: It’s a plan stan
You: All cool…. what rhymes with cool lol I’ll think of something by tonight. I’ll call you to see where and all that later, yeah?!
So you hooked up at Botanica…on your twenty-fourth birthday. At least now I understand why you are so fucked-up about your birthday. It’s not really your big day unless his dick is in your mouth.
Anyway, it’s obvious that he bails on Detroit-style pizza. You’ve never talked to me about Detroit-style pizza. Two days after he stood you up, you shoot another shot.
You: Hiiiiii I saw this doc about vets and I thought of your brother. It’s playing downtown and I would totally see it again if you were into that.
Dick: lol sorry shit got crazy. My buddy fell off his bike. Fuckin taxis
Once you told me that Cynthia got hit by a bike messenger. Is this where you get your excuses? The best worst books are like this, Vail. You want to stop. You can’t stop. I don’t stop.
You: Oh no! Is he okay?! Are you okay? Can I help?
Dick: All good yeah took him to the hospital and all that no biggie
You: Spoken like a real hero…
Dick: You still want pizza?
You: I always want pizza
Dick: Haha I’m broke a dollar slice at Joe’s or some shit unless your flush
You: I like all pizza…I am working.
Dick: Mm-hmm
You: Mm-hmm
I thought that was an us thing, the mm and the hmm, and I am waiting for myself to hate you. But I’m not that kind of guy, that kind of reader. My feet are in your combat boots, and I will see where this story goes. You are the heroine. I know you, I love you. My pain is your pain and is that what’s wrong with me?
Anyway, you did it. You took Dick to a ritzy Italian place. You fucked him again.
I did things for you. I gave up my cardboard box for you. I gave up Mooney for you. I’m a slave…4 U…and I too am wrangling a boa. I can’t kick Dick in the balls and put an end to his life. I am what I am. A reader. And I can’t put this one down.
You: Coming into the Beanery but I’m not stalking you I just genuinely love the coffee.
Dick: Free country
You: It most certainly is mm-hmm
Nothing. And you kinda knew it, which is why you did the mm and the hmm.
You: So how are you?! How did your meetings go?! How go the plans for your brother’s memorial?
He ignores you, and I go into speed-reading mode because, Christ, this book is tedious. I skim through the same scene over and over. You beg him to go to an engagement party with you and he flakes. You beg him to go to a wedding with you. Dick loves weddings. Best place to pick up chicks. Open bars, Goldschtick! You fuck him at the wedding. Him and a bridesmaid.
You: I mean thank you, right? You are the best date and everyone LOVES you.
Dick: You’re not pissed? The girl jumped my bones nothing I could do
You: Oh please. I go kinda crazy at weddings too as you saw…
Dick: Ha. She’s cool. Were going out next week
I know you. That had to hurt. But you block it out.
You: Adorable and omg your dancing…I will never hear Backstreet Boys ever again without thinking of you ahahahaha what a BLAST you are my fire my one desiiiiire we should go do karaoke yeah?!