His comment drags me away from the dark thoughts. “Shut up, Eugene.”
He flashes me a blinding smile. “Delilah is never going to let that one go.”
“Glad my sex life is an amusing topic for all of you.” I take a bite out of my burger to stop myself from saying anything else.
He rubs the back of his neck. “Delilah warned me against doing this but…” His voice drifts off.
“What?”
He takes a deep breath. “If you need a sponsor, I’m willing to be yours.”
My mouth drops open. “You?”
He nods. “We have an AA group that meets at the chapel every night.”
“Since when?” Wyatt was always squeaky clean and willing to do everything to remain in the town’s good graces. Violet used to call it the quarterback complex. The biggest scandal of Wyatt’s life was his parents getting an amicable divorce where they both stayed friends.
“A little less than a year after you left, I transferred to a Detroit precinct to be closer to my dad after his heart attack, but the things I saw while working there… God. They would haunt me even in my dreams.” He looks over at Delilah, who waves at him with her cane. She shoots me a glare while slicing a line across her throat with the handle of the cane.
Glad to know my presence draws such a passion from her.
Wyatt steals my attention back. “The transition from small-town life to the big city was hard. I struggled for a long time with PTSD and alcoholism before I finally got help.”
“Shit. I had no idea, man. I’m sorry.” I reach over and clap him on the shoulder.
He offers me a weak smile. “You’re not the only one who struggled, you know?”
My head hangs. “I see.”
Lana. Wyatt. Se?ora Castillo. The list goes on and on, making my chest ache.
He rises from the picnic table. “Just think about it. My offer will always stand, even if you decide to move back to Chicago once the house is sold.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, really. I owe it to the man who used to be my best friend.” He takes a few steps away, but I call his name.
He glances over his shoulder. “What?”
“Does this mean we’re friends now?”
He scoffs. “Absolutely not.”
The small smile on his face makes me believe it might become a possibility one day, though.
“Come on!” Cami grabs my hand and tugs, ineffectively getting me to rise from the picnic table I’ve spent the last two hours wallowing at.
“What’s up?” I look around at the empty lawn.
“We’re going to cut the cake!” She yanks harder this time. “You almost missed it.”
“Sorry. I was daydreaming.”
“Do that later!” She digs her feet into the ground and pulls.
“All right. Let’s go.” The last thing I want to do is be stuck inside the guesthouse with a bunch of people who don’t like me, but if it makes Cami happy, I’m willing to be an adult and suck it up.
After all, who am I to deny the birthday girl?
I rise from the bench, my movements much more fluid after spending the last two hours without touching another drink.
Cami doesn’t release my hand as she drags me into the guesthouse and places me behind the cake table. Lana stands beside me, her body as stiff as her smile. Everyone else remains on the other side with their phones in the air. A range of emotions is written across the parents’ faces. Surprise. Annoyance. Curiosity.
Delilah and Wyatt share a knowing look while Violet pretends I don’t even exist, which is possibly even worse.
I move to take a step around the table, but Lana latches on to my hand.
“Cami wants you here.” Her face remains calm, cool, and collected, although her eyes burn with enough anger to make me frown.
Cami looks up at us two with a big smile. “Ready?”
I nod, my throat feeling impossibly tight.
The crowd begins singing the happy birthday song while Cami sways on her feet. Once the singing stops, Cami blows out her candles. Everyone cheers and claps for her.
While Lana is busy cutting the cake, Cami beckons me closer.
I kneel down. “What’s up?”
She rises on the tips of her toes and whispers in my ear, “I wished you can be my new daddy.”
I wished you can be my new daddy.
God. Somehow eight words make my knees as weak as my heart.
I wrap my arms around her and squeeze. “There is nothing I’d like more than that.”
And I mean every single word.
37
CAL
Once everyone left, I tried to pull Lana aside to talk, but she threw herself into cleaning up the mess left behind after the party. Wyatt, Delilah, and Violet helped her. Instead of sitting around, I joined even though it was obvious no one wanted me to. The mindless task gave me time to sober up and think over everything that happened today.
By the time I threw away the last bag of trash, Lana was already moving on to Cami’s bedtime routine.
I hold off on bothering her until an hour later. When I turn the doorknob, it doesn’t move.
I press my forehead against the door and sigh. “Lana.”
“Go away. I’m tired.”
I can only imagine. After spending most of the day hosting Cami’s party, I’m surprised she isn’t asleep already.
My hand remains glued to the knob. “Can we please talk?”
“No.”
“I’m begging you to give me a few minutes of your time.”
Her groan comes out muffled due to the door between us. “I have nothing nice to say to you right now.”
“Then tell me the not-so-nice things.”
“Why?”
“Because I’d rather you get angry at me than shut me out. I don’t think I could take that again.” It seems impossible to go back to the way things were before. I’m not sure I would be able to live in the same house like that, knowing how good things could be between us if I had my shit together.
“You want to fight? Fine. Let’s fight.” She drags me inside and shuts the door.
I hold up my hands. “I knew it was wrong.”
She crosses her arms. “Then why do it?”
My head drops. “Because I couldn’t help it. Being around everyone…knowing what they probably think of me… It was too much all at once.”
Her eyes shut as she takes a few deep breaths. “I can’t take this up and down again, Cal. I just can’t.” Her voice cracks, matching the one that forms across my heart. “I can’t make you want to get sober. And honestly, I don’t want to be your reason for quitting alcohol in the first place. It didn’t work the last time, and it’s not going to this time because something like that needs to come from deep inside. And until it does, you will never get better. That much I know.” She releases a heavy exhale. “I’m willing to support you through your journey to get sober—I always have been and I always will be—but only if you are willing to put in the hard work that it takes to find better ways to manage your feelings.”
All the progress I’ve made with Lana up until this point slips through my fingers.
I swallow past the thick lump in my throat. “I can choose to be sober.” I just need time. As much as I want to take Wyatt up on his offer to attend the local AA meetings, I can’t do that until I go to rehab first. I’ve been through the process enough times to know what I need, and daily AA meetings aren’t going to cut it right now.